Saturday, April 23, 2005

   and yet, I hate myself
...I'm regressing. When I feel bad, I shove it down, and ignore it, until I can't anymore, and I fall apart. I'm like a skyscraper: I'm fine and I seem ok, at least on the outside. I don't let things bother me for a while. But then, it gets too heavy and the littlest thing is too much. I fall into myself. I don't eat, or drink, or speak. Just cry and cut, cut and cry, then sleep, and when I wake up, I seem fine, except my eyes are a little red and poofy.

last night, for example. I was talking to my dad, and he asked about Costa Rica, since I need his permission to go due to the fucking useless judicial system.

he asks how much it costs, then bitches at me for half an hour about how I'm getting ripped off. yeah, yeah. basically, he says that he's not going to let me go. I didn't tell him at that time that I've already put down 700 non refundable dollars, and he's just muttering to himself!

what the hell! I go in my room, turn up the radio, and cry. I tried to stop. i couldn't, because everything from the past 5 months came spilling out. and when I know it, nothing I hope for ever happens. HE won't love me, so I try not to hope. it's not ok. i just sob and sob.

my dad opens my door to give me a custard piece of shit. I wanted so badly to throw the damn thing at the wall, and scream, "I don't fucking want anything from you! i hate you! i wish you'd just kill yourself or leave! i don't care!!!!!!!!!"

know what I DID say, "thanks dad. sorry, I got shampoo in my eyes."

he makes his false sympathy noises and goes to talk more shit about my mom to his BITCH BITCH BITCH-FUCKING WHORE! of a girlfriend. she can fuck herself with a banana because she's a MORON! my dad doesn't give a shit about her, just fuck, which is all he cares about. honestly, he's not going to commit to anything to that bitch because he's worse than she is! fuck.

yesh, anyway my dad, i didn't ask him to pay, and he's whining at me, but it's like, he's saying "you're not worth it." he's never spent more than $1000 on me in my whole goddamn 16 years of life. I have to do everything for myself with him. I hate it, and i hate him/

and yet, I hate myself. Not for hating him. well, yes. Ishouldn't/. but it's like, he's telling me, "you're not worth anything and your dreams are pointless"

my dad doesn't believe in any of my dreams. he doesn't think my dreams have value because they have no merit to him! just because he's a perverted, racist ASSHOLE, doesn't mean I am!

he told me today, "South Africa is AIDS capital of the world, and I bet Lesotho is even worse. I hope your teacher didn't shake hands with anyone when she was there!"

do you realize how FUCKED up that is? he should die. If you don't think that's wrong, I hate you and I hope YOU die. maybe that's fucked up of me, but everything in my life gets really really good, then falls down the drain like hair. shit.

as if my life wasn't confusing enough, this kid I knew in middle school, who I KNEW liked me then, talked to me all day on friday. I haven't talked to him in 4 years, but I'm pretty sure he likes me now, too. he's not as much of a dumbass now, and he's a lot like me. now, I'm thinking, if he asks me out, should I say yes?

any rate, through all this, I hate myself for letting it bother me, and putting bad karma on the world. I hate myself SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, you can't imagine. anyway, next post will be shorter, sweeter.thank you!
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