Sunday, April 24, 2005

   you don't have to read past the second picture, but I'll love you if you do!
---->her name is Linda Corlett. her number is:
303-989-4381

PICTURE TIME!!!!

oh my, look! it's my very best friend NIGHT, aka Tamara! lol, I love this picture! see? it's NIGHT:



and oh no! it's ME! being Buddha! or just stupid, who knows? that day was cold, and I didn't have a jacket, so I wore my robe! :D lol, like? see, i look weird and tired, but it's me:


that much said, here's a phone number! it's not mine! it's my dad's bitchy girlfriends! her name is Linda Corlett. her number is:
303-989-4381

call her! be mean or nice! who cares? she does. but I do too. I pity her for dating the person she does. it's not a good situation for her, if she is sincere for my dad.

yeah, ok. now, I'm going to write a short thingie, and I want you to tell me if you like it, ok? :D thankooos!

"I don't know who I am. I just know that 'me' is someone I've never met. I know I need to meet her, and she's on the same road as me. But she's way behind. Eventually, I will rest my load and wait for her to catch up to me.

...Except wait. I am the 'her' and she is the 'me' because that is my true self, and the person I am now is not real. It would seem a contradiction, yin and yang, and it is. But that's ok, because I have a lifetime to find out about who I really am, and I will wait that long, even if I get ridiculed the whole time. I'll be patient as I can, even if people are too stupid to believe.

Everytime someone looks at me, they open their mouths and let stupid words fall out. Upon just meeting me, they whisper to themselves, 'She's such an angry kid!'

When I heard a teacher murmur that to another teacher behind my retreating back, I pivoted. Livid, I screamed, 'Angry? ANGRY?! you don't flipping KNOW ME! Why do you say such things about a stranger?!' And I stormed away, angry, proving her right. I realized it then, I AM an angry kid.

Despite this, I am not an angry person. I believe the best in people, only to be let down. They all show me their good sides, and then it tears me apart when I have to lose faith in them. Do you need an example? I thought my friends had morals and brains, but those both turned to mush when their older boyfriends came into play. They would give anything those boys asked, and they asked a lot. My friends bragged about this, while I remain pure, and intelligent.

I know I sound like a depressor, but this is how I view life half of the time. Perhaps I am Yin and Yang all at once. Except the times I am Yin, I am not Yang, and the times I am Yang, I am not Yin.

Yin, if you didn't know, is water, cool and calm and delicate. Yang is fire, fierce and determined and confident. You see my Yin side sometimes. Those are when I feel hopeless and small and as though I'm going to be crushed under the weight of my own heavy hopes. My yin times are when one would think of rain, though I find myself gloomy on sunny days.

Yang days are different. Something's changed; the hinges to my too-small cage have snapped, allowing me to fly into freedom. I fight what I need to, and what I don't, but with that cocky smirk on my face. I am not certain of my actions, but logic follows through, and I can't take back my haughty words. This circles me back to Yin, but only until another change happens.

Change happens a lot. Like, when that teacher murmured about my anger? That was years ago. Now I'm free to be who I want to be, even if that means concealing my anger and repressing my self-hatred.

It's contradiction again. I'm happy but sad. This is all I know. This is living, and this is my life. And it's all too plain to inspire any awe within my soul.

So I wait here, twitching with anticipation. My anger, I know, was misguided frustration at being stuck at mediocre. One day, when I rise above the place where I hide, I'll smell the same insipid stench of bleach, the same pungent odor of impending death, choke on the air heavy with animosity, and wobble on the same balance of emotions, but I'll tell myself I'm happy because this is what I waited my whole life for.

This is me: always waiting for something more than mediocre. I know the risk. I might be alone in the world because I waited forever for something better and let the oppourtunity for what I really need pass me by. It's a risk I'm more than willing to take."
thank you!
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