Thursday, July 14, 2005

   you've got to be mutha f'ckin kidding me


warning: hardcore whining ahead

ok, I gotta say this RIGHT now because it has been pissing the crap out of me (not literally, although that would be a neat trick)

my mom has been SUCH A BITCH lately. I'm sorry, and I love her and all, but there's really no other way to put it in my mind.

just now, she made me look up costa rican time, and it turns out they are on the same time as Colorado, where we live. and I didn't even remember saying anything about it, but she starts bitching in that asshole attitude. you know the one.

the I TOLD YOU SO one.

i almost said, "fuck you" to her. and it's not just this. she calls me names, and laughs at me. the other day at the goddamn zoo it was like she was trying to make me look stupid or something.

and on tuesday, she acted just like my dad. I get the sense that she, too, is just trying to use me to get back at my dad (my dad uses me to get revenge on my mom)

she said "well, for school, your dad can take you clothes shopping because it's his turn to do it, and he said he would."

yeah, I know it's not fair to make my mom pay for everything. but you know what? it's not fair to me either because when he breaks that vow, just like he's always done, I'm the one who gets screwed.

it's always like this. whenever she gets fucking sick of me, she dumps me off with him. and he's skipped out on doing so many things that why should I believe he'd do this?

and before you get all preachy on how I have it good compared to some kids: I KNOW. I KNOW I DO! I could have drug addict parents, I could be poor, I could be an orphan, I could be a lot of worse things.

but you know what? I'm not but I still hurt like this because I'm stuck in the goddamn middle of two people so angry with each other, they hardly see me.

do you know what the mediator between my parents said? he said: your parents are doing all this to take care of you, but you're not really involved.

guess what, asshole? I AM. because to HIM they act like adults, but to me they act like angry, stupid children. I hate this, right now, I hate this, I wish I wasn't even fucking breathing

I wish I wasn't breathing. if I wasn't alive, if my heart wasn't beating, if my blood stopped flowing, if my mind wasn't firing neurons, then maybe, MAYBE I wouldn't have to be here, wallowing in self pity, something I do way too much, and I could be dead and not alive and the thoughts that keep me up for hours and hours and hours when I'm dead tired well, maybe they wouldn't come. maybe I could finally have some QUIET in my head.

crap, that's that, I'm sorry for wasting your time, and now, after my mom goes to bed, I think I am going to go cut on myself again because it's the only thing that makes this seem easy and I don't deal well with hardthank you!
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