Wednesday, September 13, 2006

   a lesson in futility...where have i heard that before?
So, yesterday I went to get my senior pics taken. don't really like any of them, but what do you expect? A close up of my face is bound to be ugly. the only decent ones have my cat. plus, the lady wouldn't let me stand up for any of the shots...I was like "Dammit!!!!! the bottom half is the hawtest half!!!!!!"

actually, it't not. I have really ugly legs. hell, ugly everything.

But that's something i've come to understand: I will never be satisfied with myself, because if the self-love/appreciation/confidence is missing, you just CAN'T be satisfied.

It's like trying to make Kool-Aid without sugar: Even if it looks right, it's not going to be

Right? And i mean, i try to have confidence in myself, I really do. I tell myself i can do something, but not too much. That's bad karma, and it leads to me failing. Unacceptable. I hate myself, i really do. I find not but loathing in my every endevor. Anything i've ever been proud of, i find myself despising at the end. It's only shame, you know. Nothing but hatred

I hate it that this is who i am becoming, a seething, burning girl, so full of hate for herself that she lets it infect everything else, even those she cares about.

It's like, i'm constatly paranoid that A.) Antonio is cheating on me, partly because i've been cheat on by all previous (5) boyfriends, none of them i cared too much about but it's the thought that counts, ya know and B.) that he doesn't give a fuck anymore

Why the hell should he care? i'm not worth it; i'm not the smartest or the prettiest, i can NOT do things that teenage boys like to do (no experience, and little desire to learn right now), i don't keep my room or house clean, i am only selfish and paranoid and all that crap you know i am?

I'm always tired, too. So Goddamn tired. What the hell is wrong with me?

today, we went to a college fair. Sucked, basically. I don't think too much about races, but there were a LOT of ugly, UGLY white kids, and UGLIER parents all crowded around, making me dizzy and even more pissed.

You see, what should have been a 20 minute drive was 45 minutes because my mom got lost, made me look at a map which she knows i suck at, then when i WAS telling her the right damn thing, she didn't listen, assuming i was wrong, and then started screaming at me

She fucking told me, "What the fuck is wrong with you? I fucking hate this town and your dumbass drags me all over it" or something. But she called me a dumbass and kept saying the "f" word, which i have never heard her say before.

yeah, gets all pissed at me, don't mind that i was telling her the right thing, then she confused me by telling me something different, then i tell her something, and she messes up and screams at me.

Then, i was looking on the map for this one street she was CONVINCED was north of some other street i was telling her she could use to get onto the highway. Turns out, I was right, but somehow, it's still my fucking fault and all that crap.

And she didn't believe me when i told her that not a lot of roads went strait to the highway, and the one i was telling her that i was staring at on the map, she said "doesn't exist"

then my dad calls me to tell me about my fish. ok.

and yeah. I called the place where it's at, they gave me directions she didn't want to follow. **rolls eyes** it got us there just FINE.

and she always says how everyone's an "idiot" or they don't know anything or whatever, but all she does is complain about stuff. Why doesn't she speak up to the city or whatever? If she wants change so damn badly, why doesn't she start it?

I just want to tell her "just stop complaining about them and deal with them."

we're both hypocrites, my mom and i. i hope i don't become her, cos believe me, i love my mom, but she treats me like crap sometimes worse than my dad, cos at least my dad doesn't cuss me out too much and constantly yell. I love my mom but i don't know what the fuck is wrong with her

or else it's me. of course it is. it always is.

damn, i want to go to college ASAP and be freethank you!
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