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• 1989-10-23
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• graduating high school with honors, speak/write/read fair Japanese, travel
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• 5th grade~ish
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• となりのトトロ (Totoro), Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Perfect Blue, and Akira.
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myOtaku.com: Sasaya


Thursday, September 28, 2006

   I sneezed
I've been waiting to sneeze all day...thank God...

Today has been one of the worst days... :( it sucked. I had to walk to school, feel sick, and then teh worst part happened.

i got out of school, Antonio and I were getting wasted, then I got depressed, cut myself, he got mad (understandably) and left...in case you didn't know, i hate for people to leave in bad situations, even though i was acting like a lunatic.

when he was leaving, whenever anyone leaves, it's the end of the world. I don't know how to react to people well, so fighting with them is really hard on me. I scared myself by thinking, as he was leaving, that i would KILL MYSELF, not just for revenge, like that would solve everything, like that was the thing to do. I was SCARED. It wasn't a passing thought, it was an overwhelming drive, an overwhelming NEED, all of this shit coming up to the surface, that I was just going to end it all and maybe have peace.

Or anything, it didn't matter, i just wanted to die. To DIE. Do you understand? It wasn't like...my usual thinking, it was my OLD thinking, the kind i'd forgotten about. Like, nothing matters, like i'm just dirt waiting to happen. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand how bad it is... :(

I called my friend Mari, who is an angel for talking to me so long, so patiently...It was really bad...I feel guilty for using her like that, but she really helped...we're a lot alike, see...

anyway, in other news, some girl died in a mountain high school, due to hostage situations...sucks man...my heart goes out to her family...

and yeah, I know my 15% was worse than bad...it's dreadful...pathetic.

I sincerely hate myself...thank you!
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