Thursday, April 26, 2007

   Some jokes if ur feelin down er happy
Pregnant Nudist
A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.
The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

Bet i can bite both my eyes
man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

Brooms and carrot sticks
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line.
When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom

''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.''

Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.

''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die."

Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion.

Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight.

Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''

top ten Break up lines(female)
10. I think of you as a brother.
Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
Translation: I don't want to do my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend.
Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work.
Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me.
Translation: It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate.
Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let's be friends.
Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.

Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)

10. I think of you as a sister.
Translation: You're ugly.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
Translation: You're ugly.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
Translation: You're ugly.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
Translation: You're ugly.

6. I've got a girlfriend.
Translation: You're ugly.

5. I don't date women where I work.
Translation: You're ugly.

4. It's not you, it's me.
Translation: You're ugly.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
Translation: You're ugly.

2. I'm celibate.
Translation: You're ugly.

1. Let's be friends.
Translation: You're sinfully ugly.

The Hind-lick Manuver
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South.
She orders some chicken and starts to eat.

Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her.

Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."

Hope you enjoyed!My favorite was the last one.
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