Friday, October 8, 2004

Perfect height, perfect eyes, perfect hair, perfect disguise
Pass me by
Look right over
Sit away
Keep looking straight, back turned to me

I'm not anything
I'm just there
I mean nothing
But I'm right here
I'll stand infront
I'll stare you down
I'll sit closer
I'll turn you around

You go to bed
All happy with yourself
Unaware of what I'm thinking
From the corners of my mind

Look at me
Talk to me
Notice me
Want me
I feel as though
You're all I want
In my mind's eye
You are flawless
You are perfect
In my head
You are sweet
You're to keep

Okay, so none of the rhyming makes sense........and there isn't much to it. But I wrote it so it's good. So there!
I looked really rad today. Thought you should know.
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i need a hug. badly.
okay, so my fascination with writing caps lock is over now, since my teacher yelled at me for it. pfft.

well, there was a rumor going around school that today was going to be "fun day"
oh, and for u uninformed peoples, fun day is a day when we get out of school half way through the day and go down to the football field and play frisbee and lounge around and play flag football, and soccer and what not.
so, yeah, the rumor was true.
YES! i missed p.e. and my english book quiz and vocab quiz. unfortunately though, i didn't miss algebra. darn.
so, yeah. i heard from sabra that my sis and her friend abby were going into town (which u can't do during fun day, but sometimes its fun to be rebellious.)so i found some uncool people that i knew to hang out with. but then i heard some people shouting "margot!" (my french name.) and i turned and saw my sister and abby and geoff and ethan and sabra! yay!
so i ran over to them, hugged my sis, talked with them for awhile, and then went back to my uncool peoples.
okay, they're uncool. well, except for courtney. but anyways, they kept swearing and thinking they were so cool, just like that really stupid NERD (in the bad way.) who wants to be a hick and swears at the most inappropriate stupid times and jokes about being high when i doubt he's ever been within 10 ft. of a cigarette!
so, i was going to leave them until they left me (well, not courtney and toria, but everyone else left sort of.) so i stayed on the bench that we were sitting on by the field hockey field and watched brandon the hot guy play frisbee. he's so hot. when i was walking down to the field with my "friends" *cough, cough* i saw him and i almost ran up to him and hugged him from behind. at the moment, it seemed like the most ordinary, right thing to do. and i didn't think he would mind.
i want a hug from him so badly. i bet he smells good. and that he's really warm and cuddly.
i told courtney and sam that i liked him, and they laughed. courtney said she agreed with me. and guess what, they know him! so, yeah, they know that i like him.
courtney rocks my socks. but christina(aoshislover) rocked them first. i luv u!

i've realized that i'm not happy.
i'll never know brandon.
sabra and abby will never like me as much as my sister.
geoff will never talk to me unless its about bryn.
lewis will never give me the time.
my friends in school will never understand me, or care for me that much. i'm not the caitlin that they all want. i'm me, and i'll never be famous or popular.
david will always like alyssa more than me. if i go one way and she goes another, its given he'll follow her.
jessie will never talk to me, because i'll never talk to her.
margaret will always laugh at me and taunt me, and she'll never be nice to me, unless i magically change the past and have graduated from LTS.
i'll never be as cool as my sister.
my parents will never love eachother.
my room will always be that cluttered.
my homework will never be completely finished.
origins will never be easy.
i'll never get over brandon....and i'll never find anyone else that hot. cuz the truth is, he's all i really want. i know it sounds weird, and a little obsessive. buts its the truth.
i'll never find an "abby"
i'll always be labeled as unathletic and worthless in my father's eyes
my poetry will never be happy
my art will never get better
my sister's handwriting will always be neater than my own
i'll never own a ps2


this sucks and i want to cry. everything just doesn't seem right about me. where do i fit in?
in my sis's group of friends where i'll jokingly be labeled the freshman. where i'll be forgotten and teasingly made fun of by my sister. where people will just smile at me, unsure of what to say.
i'm lost.
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Thursday, October 7, 2004

NO SUBJECT
WOKE UP, GOT DRESSED, WENT TO SCHOOL.
SCIENCE WAS BORING.
STUDY HALL WAS BORING. EXCEPT I DID GO DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA TO GET A BAGEL IN A BAG. IT COMES WITH A CHOCOLATE MILK AND A JUICE. SWEET! I WAS CONTENT.
IN FRENCH, 3RD PERIOD (I'M THERE.) AND 4TH PERIOD ARE COMPETEING FOR A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS IN THE MORNING AT THE END OF THIS MARKING PERIOD. OUR TEACHER ADDS UP ALL OF OUR GRADES AND THEN AVERAGES THEM OUT TO GET ONE FINAL GRADE FOR THAT ONE CLASS.
SO FAR 3RD PERIOD IS AHEAD. YESTERDAY WE HAD A LEAD OF 40 POINTS. TODAY WE HAD A LEAD OF 1 POINT.
ORIGINS WAS BORING. I'M SCARED FOR MY GRADE. YESTERDAY I HANDED MY DAD A P.E. QUIZ ON LACROSS THAT I HAD GOTTEN A 103 ON, AND HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. HE JUST NODDED AND HANDED IT BACK. I GRABBED IT AND JUST WALKED OFF. I'M SO PISSED.
LUNCH WAS BORING. I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING. I JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENTS EAT. THEY EAT SO FUNNY, ITS COOL TO WATCH.
I SKIPPED MY AFTER LUNCH STUDY HALL AND WENT TO THE MATH BUILDING TO FINISH A MATH QUIZ. THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM THAT I WAS FINISHING MY MATH QUIZ IN WERE SO ANNOYING. THERE WERE THESE TWO GUYS WHISPERING AND POINTING AT ME. I'M CLUELESS AS EVER. DO I HAVE CREAM CHEESE ON MY CHEEK OR SOMETHING?
ALGEBRA WAS POINTLESS.
P.E. WAS HELL. I FORGOT MY P.E. CLOTHES SO I HAD TO BORROW SOME FROM A FRIEND WHO HAD P.E. AFTER ME. I HAD TO WEAR THESE TIGHT BLACK SHORTS OF HERS. THEY'RE BIKER SHORTS OR SOMETHING. THEY WERE TIGHT! AND THE GIRL I BORROWED THEM FROM IS LIKE....BIGGER THAN ME!
IN ENGLISH I HAD TO READ ACOUPLE OF PAGES FROM THIS BOOK TO THE CLASS. I WAS NERVOUS. I READ KIND OF SLOWER THAN EVERYONE ELSE DID, SO I FINISHED WITH A TIME OF 7 MINUTES, WHEN THE NORMAL TIME WAS 4 MINUTES. I GOT BORED WITH THE READING HALFWAY THROUGH. SO I DON'T BLAME THEM FOR GETTING TIRED OF IT. EXCEPT, THERE WAS A GIRL SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW, ALL LOUNGED OUT, AND SHE YAWNED. SHE DARED TO YAWN DURING MY READING. I NEARLY SHOVED THE BOOK DOWN HER THROAT WHEN SHE YAWNED. ERGH. THE NERVE.

WELL, AFTER SCHOOL I SAW THE HOT GUY. DIDN'T DO MUCH ABOUT IT. HE SAT BY THE TABLE NEXT TO ME THOUGH.

HMM........WHAT A DAY I'VE HAD. AND I STILL HAVE TOMORROW. AI YAI YAI YAI.

NEXT FRIDAY THERE'S GOING TO BE A DANCE AT SCHOOL. I'M TOTALLY THERE. CH'YEAH I'M COOL NOW.
I'M GONNA DANCE MY SHOES OFF! W00T!

CIAO, I HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO, AND TEDDY GRAHAMS TO EAT.
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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

I'M BLUUU-UUU-UUUE DOOBEE DOOBEE DOOBEE DOO!
I'VE DECIDED I WILL NOT CHANGE. NOT FOR ANYONE.
EVEN IF BRANDON HIMSELF ASKED ME TO, I WOULDN'T.

WELL, SABRA KNOWS BRANDON.
I WAS WAITING IN THE CAFETERIA FOR MY RIDE, AND I ASKED SABRA IF SHE WANTED A MARSHMELLOW AND I HANDED HER THE BAG, AND SHE CALLED BRANDON OVER AND ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED ONE.
I WAS SHOCKED.
SO, MAYBE I COULD GET TO KNOW BRANDON THROUGH SABRA. (NO, I WOULDN'T BE USING HER. SABRA WOULD UNDERSTAND.)
I JUST HOPE THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE HIM.
SO YEAH, GETTING TO KNOW BRANDON THROUGH HIS BROTHER WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE BEST IDEA ANYWAYS. MAYBE BRYCE WOULD THINK THAT I LIKED HIM. (NOT THAT HE'S NOT GOOD LOOKING. I MEAN....HE DOES HAVE GOOD TASTE IN MUSIC. I'M JUST MORE INTERESTED IN HIS HOT, BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS OLDER BROTHER.)

I CAN'T THROW A FOOTBALL.
I'M NOT TOO WORRIED ABOUT IT THOUGH.
THE COACH KEPT COMING OVER TO ME AND SHOWING ME HOW TO THROW A FOOTBALL. HE CAME OVER LIKE....5 TIMES. I JUST REALLY SUCK I GUESS.
ALSO, I KILLED MY HAND BY TRYING TO CATCH THE FOOTBALL THAT THIS GIRL THREW AT ME FULL FORCE. LOSER.

SLEEPSINGING BY THE DAMNWELLS.
FREAKING AWESOME SONG THAT I'VE HAD STUCK IN MY HEAD ALL FREAKING DAY.
ITS REALLY GOOD. CHECK IT OUT, HONESTLY. I KNOW THAT NOONE EVER REALLY CHECKS OUT THE SONG THAT PEOPLE RECCOMEND, OR THE BAND OR ANYTHING....BUT CHECK THIS SONG OUT PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. KTHANKS

WELL, I HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO.
CIAO

BY THE WAY, MY ENGLISH TEACHER LEFT ME CLASS UNATTENEDED AT THE END OF THE DAY (8TH PERIOD) CUZ HE HAD TO GO TO A TRACK MEET OR RACE OR SOMETHING. SO YEAH, IT WAS FUN.
MARGARET (THE REALLY SMART AND PERFECT GIRL) ISN'T ALL THAT BAD. SHE'S REALLY STRAIGHT FORWARD THOUGH. AND DEMANDING. AND INTIMIDATING. I'M SCARED OF HER.

CIAO MON PETIT BURITOS.

YEAH, THATS RIGHT, I CALLED U A BURITO!
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Monday, October 4, 2004

CAPS-LOCK FREAKING PANDAMONIUM!
wiggidy whack?
no....just the regular type.
oh

WWW.HOMESTARRUNNER.COM
CHECK IT OUT OR ELSE I'LL.....SEND SOMETHING SCARY AFTER YOU.

WELL.......I HAVE THIS NEW FASCINATION WITH WRITING IN CAPS LOCK. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. MY JOURNAL IS ALL CAPS LOCK.
ITS LOOKS BETTER I THINK.
PLUS ITS EASIER TO READ. AND ITS JUST SO RAD!

SPECIAL HOT GUY BRANDON REPORT:
I WENT INTO THE CAFETERIA.....HE WAS STANDING BY THE DOOR. ALMOST LIKE HE WAS WAITING FOR ME.
THEN I WENT TO GO SIGN IN (YOU HAVE TO SIGN IN AFTERSCHOOL IN THE CAFETERIA. OTHERWISE YOU'LL GET DETENTION.)AND HE HAD ALREADY SIGNED IN BUT HE CAME OVER TO THE SIGN IN SHEET AND KIND OF STOOD THERE. tres cool.
BY THE WAY. NON-CAPS LOCK WOULD BE CONSIDERED CAPS LOCK IF I WASN'T TYPING IN CAPS LOCK.
DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.

I HAVE AN 84 AVERAGE IN ENGLISH. SOMEBODY THROW A SHOE AT ME.
I SUCK. MR. DWYER TOLD ME IT WAS GOOD. BUT WHAT DOES HE KNOW! HE ONLY SAID THAT SO THAT I WOULD FEEL BETTER. AND THERE'S THIS KID WHO SAID HE GOT A 99 LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. WHOOP-DEE-DOO. CH'YEAH, OVER ACHIEVER KID.

CHRISTINA, C.B., ELENA TSUKASHI, AND CHO ARE ALL BITCHIN' AND RAD AND NEATO TOLEATO AND THEY SHOULD ALL GET PLACQUES.....OR FREE YOGURT OR SOMETHING.

I'M KIND OF EXCITED FOR TOMORROW.
I'LLGETTOSEEBRANDONOMGHE'SSOHOTANDCOOLANDIWANTHIM!

I HAVE NO CLOTHES THAT I CAN WEAR TOMORROW. EVERYTHING IS IN THE WASH. ITS INSANE.
SO YEAH........NEED CLOTHES STAT OR ELSE I'LL HAVE TO BECOME A NUDIST.
I KNOW THAT YOU ALL WOULD LIKE THAT, BUT I SERIOUSLY NEED CLOTHES. I ONLY HAVE ONE.....NO, TWO PAIRS OF PANTS....EEK! AND ITS WINTER TIME...ALMOST. CHILLY TIMES.
AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ALL ALL NIGHT, I CAN'T. I HAVE A HOT DATE WITH MY BED.
OKAY, FOR YOU PERVERTS OUT THERE, I MEANT I HAVE TO GO TO BED.
ERGH, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN SICK MINDED. THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD........HAVE SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN TO THEM.
SORRY, I'M NOT MAKING MUCH SENSE. I'M RUNNING OUT OF WORD TO USE. PRETTY SOON I'LL JUST BE USING THE SAME WORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND IT WILL HAVE MULTIPLE MEANINGS.
WHAT KIND OF WORD WOULD I HAVE THOUGH.

BISHI BISHI BISHI BISHIBISHI BISHI!
BISHI?!
BISHI BISHI.
BIIIIIIISHIIIIIIII.

YEAH, THAT JUST KIND OF POPPED INTO MY HEAD.
DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. SOMETHING STRANGE THOUGH.

WELL GOODNIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT, AND PLEASANT DREAMS TO YOU. HERE'S A WISH, AND A PRAYER, THAT ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
LA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA! LALALA!
YEAH.....I KIND OF FORGOT THE WORDS.

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Sunday, October 3, 2004

each day you bring me closer to going nowhere, i'm sleep walking, i'm sleep singing
i'm slowly rotting out my teeth with a bag of jumbo marshmellows. yummm

my mother just got home from chicago like..10 minutes ago. she brought us back some stuff. she got my sis a sweatshirt that looks really comfortable and she got me this little zip up jacket with a hood that says chicago on it. i don't like it as much as my sis's sweatshirt, but its comfy and the hood is nice.
for some reason when my mother came home, i wasn't happy. i wasn't enthusiastic to see her, unlike my sister who was rambling on and on about stuff. i kind of spaced out and almost cried. i wasn't happy to see my own mother. i was just neutral....
i feel so sorry for her though. she's been through all this shit that she doesn't deserve. but she still puts a smile on her face and isn't in a constant state of depression. maybe its my sister and i that keep her happy looking. i don't know.
i sometimes wonder if she cries herself to sleep at night.

everything is so fucked up at our house. i can't wait to leave this hell hole. but i don't want to leave my mother with my father, and visa versa. they don't love eachother, and they'll only make eachother sad and angry. they need a divorce, but of course my dad would never let that happen. he likes to think that he's too good for that. a divorce would be most appreciated by everyone, that's for sure.
ergh, i don't know why i wrote that. somehow, i feel as though i can trust all of u more than my own friends. none of my friends know about the constant hell i go through. i'll probably never tell them. they wouldn't understand really. and i'd hate to cry infront of any of them. so i tell it to you all. cuz if i cry, you'll never see a tear. i appreciate all of you, especially christina, c.b., and elena tsukashi. u guys are bitchin'

well, school tomorrow. yippee. i get to see the hot guy. i get to admire him but never speak to him.
u guys and my sister keep coaxing me into talking to him. you all make it sound so easy, just walk up to him and start a conversation. but its so hard. what would i say? he doesn't know me. he'd probably raise and eyebrow and think im completely out of my head speaking to him.
so i'll never speak to him, unless the chance somehow arises. like if he speaks to me, or if he asks me the time or something.
so, ch'yeah
thats all.

ciao mon petit buritos.
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Saturday, October 2, 2004

someday you'll wish that you had taken better care of me
i just did the dishes listening to some really depressing music on my headphones. halfway through i just stopped washing and i took a handful of bubbles and sat on the floor of my kitchen and played with them and cried.

last night me and my sis crawled into our mum's bed (she's out of town, and dad sleeps on the couch) and watched a chick flick and talked a little. i was looking at the pictures in her journal and i decided to draw on of them. its a picture of all these peoples (some of whom i know) waiting in line for harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban. (that was probably the happiest day of my life.)
the hot guy (brandon,whom by the way doesn't play soccer cb) is in the picture. so i stared at it for awhile.

my fingers are all pruny now.
the boys lost the game, 3 to 1. that sucked. but it was fun anyways. my friend and i walked into town and got snow cones and ice cream. we sat on a picnic table and watched traffic go by and we talked. it was really nice.
then we walked back to the soccer field and watched the game. it was so funny though because there were these kids from my highschool that were shouting at the players and cheering really loudly and being hilarious. it was great.

i'm feeling really confused right now. everything is falling apart at the seams. people are beginning to hate eachother, everything is piling up and i can't control it, and i'm getting my report card soon and i'm so flipping scared. (yes, i'm a grade junkie.)

i love sabra so. i don't know if she trusts me entirely though. i know that she likes me, she and my sister tell me all the time. but i can't help feeling as though its false. i feel like she's bored with me. that she doesn't really like me. that she's too afraid to just ditch me because she's too nice of a person. i want to be her friend so badly. she is chibi.
i need an "abby" so badly. (abby; a very good friend who u can relate to you so easily and who can practically read ur mind and gets all the jokes u say and thinks ur a great person and who u rarely ever get tired of.)

i wish i could just get lost somewhere with someone close and have a good time. feel alive and forget this bullshit life i'm leading. i want to run away with them and find true happiness and wake up with a smile for once. i want things different than the way they are, i just don't know how to achieve this goal.


oh, and by the way. i have this shirt from the movie donnie darko. it says "28:06:42:12 that is when the world will end."
and in the movie donnie darko, the world supposedly ended on the 30th of october (halloween) so my shirt works for today! yes! i'm so cool now! w00t!
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Thursday, September 30, 2004

yes, j'aime means
i'm so tired. i need sleep.

well.....i'm really excited. i'm going to meet a friend of mine (who's in 7th grade and she's so cool and she seems so much older and i love her) in town after school and we're going to go get ice cream and watch the boy's soccer team.
our boy's soccer team really sucks, they've lost like all of their games this year so far. so, we'll go to cheer them on and throw stuff at the other team....you know...distract them and what not. also i'll be able to point the hot guy out to her. yay!
well.......saw the hot guy in the cafeteria...looked over at him a lot.....he looked over at my side of the room a little. i think when he left the cafeteria he looked at me and smiled. maybe i imagined it though. oh well.

*sigh* i need sleep! ack!

goodnight everyone. yes, that is all i'm going to write for today. take it, deal with it, and then leave me alone.
i need sleep!

i have my bunny on my lap right now, and she keeps crawling up to my chest and then slowly sliding down back onto my lap. its so funny. omg!

ciao everyone.
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

J'aime Brandon. J'aime beaucoup Brandon. J'aime bien Brandon. J'aime un peu Brandon. J'aim pas Brandon.
wow, what a sucky day with just a few good things.

there's this asshole that i have science and a study hall with and he's a complete dumbass that i now want nothing to do with. he talked to me in the hall when i passed him, i was like "wtf?"
he's a dork, i hate him, i wish he wouldn't talk to me.
his gf is really cool though, and so is aimee the friend of his ex girlfriend. besides that they're all dicks.

there's this girl in my english class who constantly has to define herself. and she always tries (emphasis on tries) to act weird, when really she's just a ditz in disguise. she puts on this punk look, but i know the truth. she's a little ditz who says that she doesn't watch tv at all. whenever mr. dwyer (my english teacher) talks about how the normal kid watched X amount of tv, she always has to say "but i don't! i'm not normal, tee-hee! teletubbies give me nightmares and they scare me! tee-hee! i read the entire book in an hour, i'm oh so smart! tee-hee! doesn't my purple hair bug u! isn't it weird! tee-hee!"
SHUT UP YOU DAMN POSER!!! ERGH!

i need one of those squeezy stress reliever balls.


but anywho
there's this girl in my english class that sits next to me who i hardly know, and just barely today she handed me her journal and asked me to read it. and then she handed me a note that she had gotten from some guy (very personal) and told me about the whole scenario between her and him. and then she showed me her grade from vocab. i felt so honored, really.
well, as i said before, i've given up on the hot guy. i didn't bother to wait until the bell rang to put my tray away and to get my snapple drink from the vending machine so that i would see him in the lunch line.
i didn't bother to look at him or wait in the cafeteria by him until my ride came, i waited outside.
i'm really depressed now. i need some pete yorn music and some icecream, stat.

thanks christina, u r truly fabulous and bitchin' and u rock my world.

oh, i got a goal in lacross. the only person on my team to of done it. i was so proud of myself, i ran up and down the field yelling and giving people high fives.
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Monday, September 27, 2004

in the end, it doesn't even matter
hmm.....what to say, what to say

well.......my life at home is fucked up. my dad seems to be going through a midlife crisis and starting to doubt if he's happy and he's getting all depressed. my mom is keeping to herself a lot in her room, and she doesn't talk to my dad at all unless it involves yelling at him.
my sister and i are pretty much on our own. but hell, even she's gone her own way. she's always with her friends and ignoring me, even when she spends time with me she seems to be keeping a distance between us. so i'm all alone, keeping to myself also. i feel as though i'm slowly being erased and forgotten. i'm ignored a lot, and school is hell. i feel as though the friends that i do have find me boring. but i find that sometimes i don't want to be with them. after school in the cafeteria, everyone that i know is on one side of the room, and while i could park my bag there and talk with all of them until my ride comes, i prefer to sit a lone on the opposite end of the room.

i've given up on my crush. brandon is a lost cause, an unattainable thing, and he's too good for me. he seems happy, so i'll let him stay that way. i won't invade on his life, i won't talk to him or make my presence known to him. he seems so happy now in his life, why bother ruining that for him. and besides, being a teenage is such a hard thing. and we find ourselves being depressed for a good majority of the time. i don't want to ruin his little world that he has become so familiar and happy with. i'll just look at him from the sidelines, never uttering a word or making a move. my heart will have to endure this cruel torture, but in the end its for the best.
besides, what's one little highschool crush? there are plenty of other guys. just none as cute or tall and shaggy brown hair-ish as him. but i'll survive.

thats about all.

ciao mon petite buritos.
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