Saturday, August 14, 2004

   Warning, some of this may not to be suitable for younger viewers
Sean Smith: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.

Ronald Fisher: Smurfette?

Sean Smith: Mm-hmmm.

Ronald Fisher: Not some, like, tight-ass Middlesex chick, you know? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.

Donnie Darko: Smurfette doesn’t fuck.

Ronald Fisher: That’s bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.

Sean Smith: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.

Ronald Fisher: Okay, well, you know what? Then she fucks them while Vanity watches Okay?

Sean Smith: What about Papa Smurf? He must get in on the action.

Ronald Fisher: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang. Later on, he beats off to the tape.

Donnie Darko: First of all, Papa Smurf didn’t create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel’s evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario is just couldn’t happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don’t even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That’s what’s so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What’s the point of living if you don’t have a dick?

Sean Smith: Damn it, Donnie. Why do you gotta get so smart on us?


Okay, so ^ up there is a scene from Donnie Darko.
Down there is a scene from the movie Ghost World. If you haven't seen it yet, you must! Go now, go rent it!


Enid is behind the candy counter dressed in a brown and
orange uniform.

MANAGER
I'm gonna let you handle the four
thirty crowd by yourself - that way
I can evaluate your performance
while it's slow and ease you into
the bigger crowds.

ENID
You can count on me, sir!

A customer, an ALCOHOLIC LOSER, approaches the candy counter.

LOSER
Do you serve beer or any alcohol?

ENID
I wish!... actually you wish...
after about five minutes of this
movie you'll wish to God you had
about ten beers!

LOSER stares blankly, hesitates, then goes into theater.

MANAGER
(pulling her aside)
What are you doing? You don't ever
criticize the feature!

ENID
Why? What difference does it make?
You already got his money...

MANAGER
Look, that's the policy... if you
want to make up your own rules you
can open your own theater...

ENID
But I was only trying to be
friendly...

MANAGER
Look, we don't pay you to be a
movie critic -- just do your job.

ENID
Okay, okay... I won't say a word...

ANOTHER ANGLE - an hour has gone by.

CUSTOMER
Medium popcorn.

ENID
That's three dollars.

CUSTOMER
Let me have plenty of butter on
that.

ENID
Ewww!...
(making a face)
Here you go -- smothered in
delicious yellow-chemical sludge!

MANAGER
(pulling her aside)
What the hell is wrong with you?!

ENID
What? I'm just kidding around with
the customers... It's my shtick!

MANAGER
Well lose it! And why aren't you
pushing the large sizes? Didn't you
get training about upsizing?

ENID
But I feel weird... it's so sleazy.

MANAGER
It's not optional!

ENID
Jesus...

CUSTOMER #2
Can I get a medium sprite?

ENID
A medium sprite? Why sir, do you
not know that for a mere twenty
five cents more you could purchase
a large beverage that has a volume
of over twice that of a puny medium
drink?
(she gives MANAGER a look)
... I'm only telling you this
because we're such good friends --
Medium is strictly for suckers who
don't understand the concept of
value!

INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY

Rebecca is behind the counter glaring at Enid.

REBECCA
What are you talking about? What
kind of loser gets fired after one
day?!

ENID
I told you - my manager was a total
asshole! Don't worry, I'm going to
get another job... and anyway, I
have some ideas for how to make
money in the meantime...
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