Tuesday, September 15, 2009

i'm dumb. really, truly stupid. first, i go back to him, with the thought planted in my head that maybe something could happen again, maybe the first time around some just some fucking trial run, and we'd both be different. wrong. second, i dodge the questions and answer in half-truths. you'd think that if i wanted something so badly i would be honest and just tell him what i'm feeling, but no. i'm scared he'll reject it all and then i'd lose all chances of ever even being his friend. it's hard enough as it is, with him talking about other girls, asking me what he should do. it kills me, matt. literally kills me. it hurts. i want him to be happy, but this is me being selfish. this is me wishing with all of my heart that he'd break the other girl's hearts and come back to me. that's such a mean wish, so selfish, but that's how badly i wish things hadn't changed. i loved him. still love him? i don't know. i just wish i had the guts to actually talk to him about this. but like i said, my fear is that we'll talk about it, and then he'll keep his distance. i can see it happening. god damn it. i knew, in the back of my mind, that this would happen again. i am so fucking stupid. 'oh yeah, because i totally still harbor intense romantic feelings for you. pfft.' 'haha. don't lie.' 'well, they aren't as intense as they used to be...haha.' i'm such a fucking liar. i'm too upset to think straight anymore.

Comments (0)