Sunday, March 13, 2005

   Rather happy. ^^;
I'm rather happy, the girl I care so much about has decided that she will keep on talking to me, I'm really happy about that, I think she is really mad at me though, but I deserve that anyway, but I'm glad to hear that she doesn't hate me and that she will keep on talking to me. ^_^
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Friday, March 11, 2005

   *Sniffle*
I’m feeling so depressed. If even *that* girl – who is the most benevolent and forgiving person I’ve ever met, if she has begun hating me, then it is really just a matter of time before all of my friends will leave me, and I will be all alone anyway (and I’ll be forced into isolation). I really, really don’t hope that the girl hates me, I love her so extremely much. If she really hates me, then I don’t think I can bear on living anymore, right now I’m considering suicide, but for now I will just look at how things turn out… but god, it hurts so much inside of me right now, I really want this feeling of despair to stop; this feeling of feeling scared, of feeling hurt and of feeling lonely.

That girl… I love her so much… yet I’m also really dependant on her; she said she would always forgive me… I really hope that’s the case, I can’t bear on living if she really hates me now.

(People - once again - please don't flame me, I really can't take it right now -_-).
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   Total Seclusion...
I really consider to go back into total seclusion – total seclusion is something I’ve experienced before. Some may ask “why?” others may say that it is impossible to go through one’s life without communicating with others at all – yes, they are right. But I can ask just as many good, reasonable questions to counter yours: why should I talk to someone who will eventually hurt my feelings and leave me, anyway? Why should I talk to someone who will just betray me?

In this situation, it seems like the most rational option is to just isolate myself from everyone. It is true that I would probably get so mentally affected by it, that the next place you see me, will be in a padded cell with me wearing a ‘comfortable’, tight jacket with long sleeves, yet what would be even more cool, would be if I could get the text “My mom never loved me!” imprinted on the back. Really, all this brings me to my next question: why the heck does society repress their misdeeds like this? Most of the time whenever I see a homicide case, the people keep on claiming that the murderer is the ‘evil’ guy. Well, people, do you think murderers just kill people for fun? No, there is always a reason behind it, and in most cases it is society who has affected them to become malicious killers. Hell, if you ever see a guy you know committing murder or having to go to a psychiatric hospital, I would be hell-of-radiant if one of his associates would say “Omg… I feel so guilty now… why couldn’t I help him?”. I don’t say that it is people’s fault, but I say that the guy COULD have been helped if some other people could just have taken initiative.

Actually I’m feeling hell of miserable today, because there is this girl who I really care about and really love, who unfortunately hates me (I believe). Now, I could deal with the situation if she just hated me. If she said cruel things to me and hated me, I wouldn’t mind that so much as if she stopped talking to me completely. I would prefer that she detested me over that she stopped talking to me forever. The funny thing is, I’m not even mad at her and I don’t even hate her or anything at all, I just miss her extremely much, I could never hate that girl, I would always forgive her no matter what. *Sigh* I just wish she would talk to me… I’m not even sure that she hates me, but we haven’t talked for some time now.

I really fucking hate life right now, I really feel like as if I never had a choice to begin with. My mind got messed up right from my childhood and I became so depraved, and all I want is to talk to someone who would always forgive me, but maybe it is really just my destiny to be left all alone and drown in the seas containing the blood from my emotional injuries.

(Oh, and people, if you disagree with anything in this post, then please be so considerate not to flame me or say anything mean, I really can't take that right now -_-).
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Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful. Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova, source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../ images/fallen_angel.jpg *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* brought to you by Quizilla