Friday, March 11, 2005

   Total Seclusion...
I really consider to go back into total seclusion – total seclusion is something I’ve experienced before. Some may ask “why?” others may say that it is impossible to go through one’s life without communicating with others at all – yes, they are right. But I can ask just as many good, reasonable questions to counter yours: why should I talk to someone who will eventually hurt my feelings and leave me, anyway? Why should I talk to someone who will just betray me?

In this situation, it seems like the most rational option is to just isolate myself from everyone. It is true that I would probably get so mentally affected by it, that the next place you see me, will be in a padded cell with me wearing a ‘comfortable’, tight jacket with long sleeves, yet what would be even more cool, would be if I could get the text “My mom never loved me!” imprinted on the back. Really, all this brings me to my next question: why the heck does society repress their misdeeds like this? Most of the time whenever I see a homicide case, the people keep on claiming that the murderer is the ‘evil’ guy. Well, people, do you think murderers just kill people for fun? No, there is always a reason behind it, and in most cases it is society who has affected them to become malicious killers. Hell, if you ever see a guy you know committing murder or having to go to a psychiatric hospital, I would be hell-of-radiant if one of his associates would say “Omg… I feel so guilty now… why couldn’t I help him?”. I don’t say that it is people’s fault, but I say that the guy COULD have been helped if some other people could just have taken initiative.

Actually I’m feeling hell of miserable today, because there is this girl who I really care about and really love, who unfortunately hates me (I believe). Now, I could deal with the situation if she just hated me. If she said cruel things to me and hated me, I wouldn’t mind that so much as if she stopped talking to me completely. I would prefer that she detested me over that she stopped talking to me forever. The funny thing is, I’m not even mad at her and I don’t even hate her or anything at all, I just miss her extremely much, I could never hate that girl, I would always forgive her no matter what. *Sigh* I just wish she would talk to me… I’m not even sure that she hates me, but we haven’t talked for some time now.

I really fucking hate life right now, I really feel like as if I never had a choice to begin with. My mind got messed up right from my childhood and I became so depraved, and all I want is to talk to someone who would always forgive me, but maybe it is really just my destiny to be left all alone and drown in the seas containing the blood from my emotional injuries.

(Oh, and people, if you disagree with anything in this post, then please be so considerate not to flame me or say anything mean, I really can't take that right now -_-).
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