Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I am Hurricane Natrika :(
Got my second tattoo on saturday, the 24th.
Called up James to get the hook up n hang out n stuff. But I guess now I've been calling on him too much to hang, because well with our history, things always get... intimate & close. It's hard not to be like that with him, but he's said it's taking a toll on him because he thought I was leading him back, and I'm not. I feel like an ass, like I've been playing with his head & heart. N i guess i knew I have been, but because I found out I do still care somewhere, I better quit.
I feel like I'm holding him back, from moving on, which idk if he ever will, or if I want him to.
But that indecisiveness in me is what's fucking things up. He's right, from what he told me when we first broke up. I'm pretty much a mind fuck, but I'm mind fuckn myself at the same time too. I should just let things be when I feel like that, instead of adding fuel to the fire.

I'm also rly contradicted with school and work. I quit one job, and ended up dropping a class too. I kind of regret dropping the class, but I'm so unsure of myself if I can do it, working close to 40 hrs a week.
I'm so unsure of myself in general with decisions. Especially with dropping a class as a reckless decision.
I'm on edge from being so swamped, overwhelmed. Unstable. And pretty depressed about it.

I just don't know what I want. Or what I should do. I feel like Hurricane Natrika because I've made things so complicated, on the outside and on the inside. I want to just take a hiatus from everyone.. which is kinda what I'll be doing anyway with me being so busy the next few weeks. But it's driving me crazy and making me sad & lonely.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Oldschool
Volunteering back at my highschool brings back a lot of feelings. I feel like I'm part of 4 different worlds. Target world, MATC world, home world, and highschool world.

I think even when my required volunteer experience hours for my class run out, I'll probably keep helping at Alliance. I miss it, but I'm glad I'm not a student there anymore. I just miss the family I guess.

I miss having someone to cuddle with, too. I guess I'm feeling lonely and the colder weather may be partly to blame. I'm not used to being alone. I got spoiled the last 2 years having my boyfriend live with me. I don't miss cuddling with him necessarily, but I miss having the warm body of someone who cares about me. But I don't have time for a relationship. Or the right person for that matter. I feel like life has turned a new page on me, and I'm still adjusting to the new words.

Life feels different.
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

AGE STRETCHMARKS
So I'm pretty. damn. busy. n I love it.
I feel like I'm 22.
Except for the part where I still live with my mom (but my brother's almost 35 n he's back home too) And that I'm in Introduction classes for my degree instead of it being finished.

I just feel like that because of how quickly I've grown in the past year.

Just in 2011 I've gotten 2 jobs, I own my car and have the insurance in my name as well as paid for it all myself. So technically I have a BILL. yea A bill, I should savor it for until I have more lol. I was also on food stamps for a few months, and wrote my first check to pay for my fuckin books at school.
I worked a full time job + overtime for that one 12 days in a row + a part time job all at once. It was hell n my body sure took a toll from that; I lost 15 pounds (not good since I'm normally only 110) and went through a CARTON of cigarettes during that 12 days. *cough cough*

And right now I'm so busy because I have a part time job (Target), a 3rd shift job once a week (State Fair Security), I'm a full time student now in my degree department, and I have to accumulate 24 hours of community service for that degree.

This very busy-ness of work n school n somehow still broke-ed-ness is probably good in the way it should be, because I'm still at home, saving small morsels of money at a time, n is dimming the flame on the baby fever. Ot that at least my rational brain is so occupied. It's how it should be.
Plus I realized today through my instructor that to be in the Human Services field is to be like a parent. You have to care for the client, teach them confidence, self esteem, how to be self sufficient, and then eventually the clients will be on their own or in someone else's hand. And like a mother role, alot of these clients haven't had anyone else that really cared for them or someone to trust.
But getting to that point in the profession will be 6-10 years from now. Baby could be sooner, n would slow school down, because I would still have to work, but my biggest worry is not having money to be on my own; I wouldn't want to live with my mom with my baby, and I would be afraid of the little time I would hae with it, due to school and work. Daycare I'm not concerned because my moms retired LOL but I wouldn't want to rely on her financially at all. I hate having to now, honestly.
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Friday, September 2, 2011

100 degree Fever
I don't understand why I still have baby fever. I've had it for long time. Like over a yr now. And what confuses me the most, is that i still have baby fever and I'm not even with my ex anymore, who was pressurin me to have his next kids.
& I wanted to but the only thing stopping baby fever is that I'm still in school, and that I'd miss camp. IDK. Well it doesn't stop it. It just controls it.
N whenever Target puts me to work in the infants section, it gets my eggs all in an uproar. [LOL]

So yea I'm waiting, n its not like I have someone to be a baby daddy, but it like, idk I want my childdd.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL. NOT FOR A 19-YR OLD.
FUCK THE WHAT?

N I don't want a 100% white child. lol. I want him mixed, with, idc what else, anything but aryan blonde hair blue eyes.. If I could choose I'd have a boy. Yea I've had alot of time to think about it.

But it's pretty impossible for me to get pregnant. Because if I'm just a few hours even off of taking my pill, I get fuckn cramps n bleed. So I'm a nazi with that. Cuz otherwise its just fucking inconvenient.

I wish I could adopt. I'd have a kid, n eventually rescue one. Go overseas n adopt a behbeh.

I sound nuts. But I feeeel like I'm 21-22. Seriously.
*sigh* I just need the real world to kick me a little harder in the ass. Thats y I wanna move out n be broke frm payn rent. Maybe that'll kick my fever.

Oh n for me to remember how much I love partying n having free time, n spending money on myself. Cuz with a kid, can't do it. So I just wanna live it up now n do as many things as I can that I couldn't do if I was preg or had a child to take care of.
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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Treeeee
My tree friend is sad. He's tryna come into my room cuz he knows a new screens gna be put in n i cant sit on the window anymore when i want to smoke right out of my room.
Poor guy, he put his leafy paw in my room when i opened the window like "NOOOoOoooooOOOOooOoO!"
Ik, its ok man.
Thanks for the, uh, bug, u just let crawl into my room
*itches*

Okay maybe its good I'll have a screen soon.

GodDAMN my back freakn hurts.
I had to move a heavy gate only 90 degrees but it was draggin on the ground n shit. I wish one of my friends would give me a back massage..

I painted my hair. Its auburn, light brown, dark brown and blonde now.

I have to figure out how i should put my hair up. cuz its frickn long n though i like it outta control, not good for all environments. Its rly rare for me to put my hair up.

Ive been thinking about quitting smoking lately. I'm mostly afraid to get lung cancer or heart disease, etc. N i'd hope to gain weight cuz my metabolism would slow a bit. I'd feel healthier, could exercise, not stink like it, not have to go outside every time I crave it, n it sux havn friends that don't smoke. But I love havn friends tha smoke also, n I love drinking and smoking. xP
But I definently would need help quitting.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Two Thousand Eleven
What a year so far. Got alot accomplished. Got a job, got two actually. Got my drivers license. Got my car, which I own and have insured. Did alot of shit on my own time for myself.
and now i REALLY can do whatever the fuck I want.
Because I'm not a possession of anyone anymore. I believe thats the biggest accomplishment.
19th birthday rolled around.
Said I'm sick of this shit, n this yr i'm gna live it up and do me.

So I broke away.
From the looooong long chain of being with my ex.
& shit, readin my old blog site on here made me realize what a damn vicious cycle it was, n I'm not gettn back in t he ring for that.

Now when I got stress its work n school n money.
No added relationship drama to pile it higher.

It does get lonely, physically frustrating too, buuut I seemed to have aquired in the month that I've been single so far, three friends with benefits. So I'm set with that for now.

My next goal is to save up my paychecks, n gtfo MOOVE n i wanna move out soo bad. Just want to take that next step and next taste of independence and self freedom. I believe I can do it. Especially since I didn't let my ex talk me into getting knocked up w his 2nd child. Granted I still really want that. But not for a few years i spose. College first. & career maybe. Not sure bout that marraige one though. But I do want a little one. Hopefully the world doesn't end in 2012 so I can have that chance haha. nah it wont end. but the economy will be shit n well AALLL be on welfare. Perfect timing for me to finish school n get a job in Human Services.

Man am I glad I'm out though. I swear, it's good I ain't with him no more. I woulda been bitchn his ass out today, for quitting his job, n then findin out AFTER he quit his insurance jus went through to cover his baby girl.

But now, it's great, cuz I can just NOT FUCKING CARE. AT ALL. and laugh.
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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Augusta's List
I forgot i even had this site. I think I'm going to use it just as a Journal/blog thing. Not writing for anyone else. Just me. Its a free site so what the hell and I already know how to customize it.

Augusta's List. But of MY life as of 5/5/09
Here we go:

1-Dyed my own hair multiple times; dark brown, burgundy, orange, purple, blue, & green. Cut it myself too.

2-Gotten a facial piercing done professionally, and failed attempt to pierce my own ears.

3-Self mutiliated various ways (but mostly just cutting)

4-smoked cigarretes but didn't fancy it much (So I don't)

5-Smoked alot of marijuana

Snuck out of the house. Snuck into the house. And snuck someone else into my house.

Lost my virginity. Had sex with 3 guys, 2 of those guys failed, I'm sticking to my boyfriend, James.

Fallen in love 3 times. Donovan, James, and Gabe.

Shoplifted a bunch. Haven't been caught yet.

Drug wise I've smoked marijuana & salvia. Swallowed/snorted speed, pain killers (vicodin), & xanax. Swallowed large amounts of DXM.

I've cheated a couple times but have not been cheated on.

Went to a couple parties, a couple bonfires.

Stayed up all night on drugs or alcohol.

Skipped classes, skipped whole days of school, gotten stoned a bunch during school.

Developed hostility at school.

I went to a Rave and danced like a hoe the whole time while stoned & robo-tripping.

Got drunk & snorted pills with James & had the best sex of my life.

Gotten pregnancy scares.

Tried very hard to be someone else.

Snuck liquor & weed into the house.

Smoked weed out of my bedroom window & in the backyard.

Visited my gradeschool stoned & while skipping.

Failed AP classes.
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Hey I'm back!
Cold cold day~~
I still had school, but Wednesdays are only 2 and a half hours. So whatever.

I've been drawing now, instead of writing. Idk all my poems and writing sound so emo, and they're supposed to sound dark, beautiful, melancholy. Not whiney desparate and fake.. >.< dammit. But drawing is ok.

Hah right now ass lady would be like: Thats great you have several outlets!!!
Well can i zap her ass??
Harhar
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

god fuckin dammit!!!!!
i missed my pills 2 days in a row and now i'm bleeding insanely. not a mistake i want to make again.

fuck.

well, if i ever wanted to disappear i could just stop taking my pills altogether no one would know and i would just exanguinate peacefully.

i wouldnt be the first with a bleeding disorder to do that.

i've been extra irritable lately i've noticed. it feels really good though i get to bitch at people.
things will probably get better once my sister leaves. i almost can't wait to chew her out she's on my last nerve and is oblivious to it. things haven't been like this between us in years.

o and my brother is gonna take me to a megadeth concert XD so theres some happiness!!
i need to just hand out with some guy friends and get away from drama.

and and not only did i cut my hair and put dark brown in it but orange tooo!!

and it looks cool. not stupid.

i fucking hate health class. here we go with the anger issues again. i might give it one more chance on thursday but on friday im just not fuckin going. im gonna go home right after lunch and skip the rest of my classes.

i'm going to a birthday party later today. My friends turning 16 and is gonna get snakebites. Happy happy.


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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Bastard! Conley is making politics interesting.
Well, okay, the part about deciding which candidate should get a cheese grater up their ass is fun.
But thats about it.

All we did in Adv. Composition was insult Paul's sweater (paul is z teachurr).
but i still felt like crap. I'm officially sick now. Ehgjhkgdkfekcfwekdfyk cyv.
to cheer me up I got a game called DeadHeadFred. It's snnnnnnnnazzy.

POCKET NAZI yelled at me. She said if I keep going in the direction that I am everything I do in college and the future will mean absolutely nothing. I don't know where she got all that crap from, because all I was doing, was giggling.

Tomarrow I get my hair cut and random blotches of dark brown dye in my hair (hair now is shoulder length med brown much wavvy).

This guy at best buy was telling me about PSPs and i realized for some reason I'm attracted to the people that are into the crazy shit I like like zombahs sci fi video games heavy music goth but are TOTAL GEEKS. i love it. and i think being cute is whayy sexier than being hot.


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