Monday, March 20, 2006

I'm not a happy Sere, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNEDEDED.
Well, apparently one of my good friends got disowned on Tuesday and is currently living in a different town and - from what I've read - is planning on staying there, and you know what the greatest thing about it all is?

I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE. At all. I mean, she didn't call (apparently her phone died and she didn't have my number memorized, I think it's a load of bullshit), didn't drop by, nothing. Fucking TUESDAY.

I mean, what the fucking hell. I've been used to her not coming online for a couple days (I mean, no one can be on EVERY DAY and have a life) but I had been getting worried.

Bloody fucking TUESDAY. Two days short of a week in the dark. And I know she's been able to get online somehow, but she didn't even send me a mail.

All she went on about were her 'new-found' friends, and about how they were sooo nice for letting her stay with them. She apparently didn't even think that my parents might have let her crash here. IN TOWN. Not AN HOUR AND A FUCKING HALF OUT OF TOWN.

It's seriously made me think: what kind of friend am I to her, then? I mean, she gets kicked out of the house and decides to stay with a person she's just met? She doesn't try to get in touch, or have her dad get ahold of me to make sure she's okay?

Fuck it. I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. Molehill? Eh, who cares. I probably wouldn't even be angry like this if I hadn't quit my Effexor.

Yeah. I quit my Effexor. Pretty much cold-turkey. And I know that it was probably the most retarded thing I've done, but I was just SO TIRED of the fact that if I didn't take it every day I'd have withdraw symptoms. And I guess I've just gotten tired of trying to fake it. I never FELT any better taking it. I mean, I think I felt like bawling like a baby less with it, but I can get over that.

I was tired of being dependent. Because I'm too dependent. I'm graduating in FUCKING MAY, and I feel like I'm 13. I haven't grown up yet. And that's stupid. I'm legally an adult now, I should start acting like one. I have been so dependent on my medicine that I've trained myself to believe I can't be happy without it. That I HAD to have it to be happy. That's bullshit.

I mean, yeah, I'm clinically depressed. My brain doesn't make enough of the happy neurotransmitters and therefore I like to stay in bed and cry a lot. But I've let that anchor me to one spot. Just like with Dustin, I had let it consume me and I couldn't move on. So it's time for me to quit making an excuse for the fact that I'm weak and stand up.

It's several years too late for me to realise that I need to quit being such a baby, but hell, it took my sister to 22 to probably have the same epiphany I'm having now.

I WILL learn to be stronger.

In other, equally as unhappy news, I've remembered why I hate wearing dresses. My lack of torso and large hips make me look like a whale when I wear a dress. A very large and unhappy whale. Such a reminder does not bode well for Prom, in which girls wear dresses. Dresses that make me look like a whale. Curse you, genes!

--Sere

I also want to mention, that if I were of legal drinking age, I think I'd be drunk off my ass right about now. It has been one of those moments that makes me want to take up underage drinking. (In all of my 18 years, I have only taken swigs of alcoholic beverages, and they have all tasted horrible. I am proud of myself.)
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