Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Why....
This week has not gone well, and it has put me in an odd and strange diposition that is very much unlike me...
It all started last friday-
Stabby-girl was planning a kareoke type thing for some upcoming freshmen for pre-registration for Saturday. They wanted a big banner and flyers for the event- and I became drafted to do so. Well, one of our members had returned our roll of banner paper to the department that rightfully owned it, I went to one of my professors and asked him what should be done: "Don't worry about it."
Then, I begin on the flyers and complete them save for the time of the actual event. I went back to the same professor 3 times...3 times. His respose is: "I don't know what to tell you honey. Stabby-gorl is having a meeting later on- just leave the file where we can find it and we'll take care of it."
I show him- show him- where the file is on the Desktop of the main computer, and leave fore the day.
Monday, I head in to work study like usual and the first things the Head Professor does is pull me into his office and shuts the door.
"You've let me and the rest of the Department down."
Me: o.o "I-..what?..."
HP: "No one showed up to the event because you didn't make the banner or the flyers."
I wait for him to finish and then begin to explain what the professor and I had discussed and that I was sorry that no one showed up- but I didn't feel as if I should be held so harshly responsible.
HP: "I am not going to argue with you. If you hit a stumbling block you get it done no matter what."
When the Head Professor says this- the conversation is COMPLETELY over. But I am left wondering:
If the production was so important, and all those other crewmen where there, and the professor knew where the flyer file was located...why didn't someone pick up the ball that I had supposedly dropped?
"Why id no one else make an attempt to at least get out flyers?
They were there three hours before the production- why did they sit on their hands and do nothing?
Why did no one make an attempt to contact me?
If Stabby-girl was running the show and it was so important to her- why did SHE do nothing?

Today rolls around. I've been working myself really hard the past week and I'm physically falling apart from fatigue, and everything that has happened to me in my department has me in one of those "antipathetic and homicidal' moods. I didn't go to class or workstudy. I contacted my teacher, and went to the nurse for my excuse, but I did not contact my Head Professor. He would not understand and I would rather not make up some lie to tell him. I avoid almost everyone the rest of the day and just try to get myself back together and rested. Then I went to dinner in the cafe.
One of the seniors of the department, for some reason decides to sit with me and a group of friends at our table. We have had a strictly professional relationship, we are on civil terms at this point.
I remember that I am supposed to be a crewmen for one of her shows and I ask her for the date, and she says rather hottily that it was monday. I could have sworn that she changed it to a Saturday- but the date was never really set to my knowledge. I apologized for not being there and she replies that 'it will be discussed at tonight's meeting."
I groan inwardly and I do an internal diagnosis: I feel like I've been hit by a semi 50 times, I'm aggitated from yesterday, I'm not in the meeting mood, and I fear that if I go to the meeting I may do something that I regret. I really don't need to be around them.
So I swallow my last piece of dinner and tell her that I'm not going. She demands to know why. I hate lying and I tell her the truth: I don't want to go. I just don't feel well.
She then proceeds to badger me, I'm not responsible, I'm not mature, I'm a flaker, many terrible things.
But I won't fuel her fire. "I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I am sorry you feel this way, but I won't be there."
She then says something else, but she barely even whispers it- and I just nod.
My friends cheer me on afterwards for standing up for myself and being honest. They understand...but somehow I don't...
Then I am swept to a tie-dye party with my friends who wish to cheer me up- and it is fun, but I cannot escape how dark I feel.

Now I wonder:
Why did I do this?
Was I right to be honest about how I feel?
Why do I care anyway after all that has happened, and the way they treat me?

I feel so dark and hollow inside.
I have never felt like this before.
I have never just told anyone 'No, I'm not going to."
I usually just suck it up and do
it, bot not this time.

I have this complex that I developed when my parents divorced, that I'm always an inconvinience, that I'm in everyone's way and that no one really wants me with them. Also, can't stand to have anyone upset with me, or dissapointed in me.

Yet, everyday I spend in the department chips away the wall that I had built to keep this at bay...and ....I think it's completely broken...now...

Was I wrong?
What does it matter?!
Why do I care?! I shouldn't!
But still I do....

Tomorrow, I have decided to go back into work study like normal. I will neither deny nor condone my actions and my decisions. If the Head Professor fires me from my position then so be it. I will not be returning to this institution next year, despite what I now know about the department and the way it works, I could never build myself a comfort zone within it.
I have found that I cannot change the way that they view me, I have tried and I have failed. The only thing left is to move on.

But...still....how did it come to this?...

..... why? ....
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