Saturday, September 23, 2006

   Into the Ocean

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But i'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like "Fourteen miles away"

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just ran out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don' know how
Sometimes it feels like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now.. come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(how can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream alound begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed and floated into space

I want to swim away but don' know how
Sometimes it feels like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now.. come down
Let the rain come down

Now walking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove I knew how
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
-"Into the Ocean"
Blue October

I love this song, and I also love "Hate Me" by them...I would have put that, but Juz Cuz put that in her post yesterday, so...hahah...
Sort of depressing, but since when do I care? XD
And apparently, JHCEO-kun doesn't even read these, so I can put music as scary as I want on here!!!! And I intend to make full use of that ability now...Hmph...I will terrify you all with cryptic songs that I love *glomps music*

Well, first of all, I just wanted to dedicate this entire post to the one I have claimed as my younger sister, datanimechic...She's been here for me this entire week, doing her best to cheer me up and make me feel better...and now I'm afraid that I've rubbed off on her, because she's upset now, and I'm going to do everything in my power to help her like she's helped me.
If you're already a friend of hers, please pay her a visit, because she really needs some support.

I don't think there's really much for me to say today...The depression is still there, but it's a bit milder...And I fear that some people read that other post when I told them not to, and now they're avoiding me...*sigh* Shoulda deleted that...Ugh

Well, it's anime night tonight, but before that, I have to do my HW and the dishes...but I usually like doing the dishes while watching anime, anyway, so I'm okay with that ^-^

Haha, and I think only J will find this funny, because she knows the people I'm talking about, but still...

This random person IMed me last night, and I didn't know who it was...now, I've had this happen before, and I dealt with it the way I always deal with people I don't know...I just keep talking cheerfully and pretending I know them, until they're like "You don't even know who I am, do you?" That's when I can grin and say "No idea." Well, the person goes to Kelly and Clove's (innuLOVER) school, and he was telling me that they were telling him he had to talk to me, because he was the male equivalent of me...I am somewhat bothered by the fact that my e-mail and IM were exchanged freely, but...*shrugs* Haha, see, they go to a Catholic school, so I knew I had to watch what I said with this kid, because he seemed to be a really religious person, too...so I decided to bring up Hellsing, finally (XD) he kept avoiding the subject, so I was guessing that meant he either didn't know what it was or was trying to avoid a "sinful" subject XDD But he finally just stopped talking and I put up a scary away message (With the dark songs on it) and he signed off XD

Yeah, uber-religious kids are not my favorite kind to hang out with...and please don't misunderstand, I am religious, I just have different ideas than most people - I think that as long as you still hold the basic faith and you aren't worshipping Satan or something, it doesn't matter what you watch, what you listen to, what you like, etc...Yep, that's my thought, and I thoroughly believe it and intend to stick to it ^-^

I'm not going to do comments or questions today, because I need to be there for Chyrea...I'm sorry, but she really needs my help, and I'll be damned if I don't do everything in my power to help her

Take care
Ja

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Friday, September 22, 2006

   Die Romantic

You can illustrate your life in romance.
I can show you something so much more the words.
In my hands
It's not your best intention now to burn your friends.
This is your last night
This is your last chance
In my hands

Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we fall asleep.
Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we die complete.
Tonight's the night and it's all we need now
To die romantic.

I sat and watched you heartbeat fade with every breath,
I watched your lips turn blue.
Your eyes went cold and all,
With all the rest.
I felt the panic
And tried to breath,
Is this happening?
I fucking had it,
God save me please
'Cause I don't think she'll make it through the night.

Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we fall asleep.
Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we die complete.
Tonight's the night and it's all we need now
To die romantic.

Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we fall asleep.
Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we die complete.
Tonight's the night and it's all we need now
To die romantic.

Your last words to me, "Tonight's the night,"
Meant redemption was only found in books.
Your last words to me, "Tonight's the night,"
Meant redemption was harder then it looks.
So take care of what you love and all this stuff are remnants of a life in shattered glass.
It's all I have to ask.

I miss you.
Miss you.
I miss you.

You can illustrate your death in romance,
I can show you something so much more the words
In my hands.
I felt the dead-end price you pay fro every day.
This is your last night,
Suicide kept tight,
You're gone tonight.

Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we fall asleep.
Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we die complete.
Tonight's the night and it's all we need now
To die romantic.

Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we fall asleep.
Die romantic, romantic
This is the nightmare, we die complete.
Tonight's the night and it's all we need now
To die romantic.
-"Die Romantic"
Aiden

Yeah, I didn't type those lyrics, I'd never allow that many typos, blame the person who did it on letssingit.com...>.> Great band, I saw their video for "The Last Sunrise" and I went out and bought the CD the next day, no joke. A bit dark, and you can tell that they're all pretty young, because some of the lyrics are a bit...eh...young emo guy-ish...Hah, if that makes any sense XD But they do a lot of screaming, and the lyrics are pretty good...and the videos are absolutely awesome!

But anyway...

Ugh...I don't know what it was about this week, but I found that I was getting really depressed really easily this entire week...And the oddest thing was, it usually wasn't when I was at school! It was when I was home, which is unusual...well, my mom's been sick, so I haven't been able to spend much time with her, so I'm usually essentially alone when I'm at home now, except for when she's asking me to do something...and it seems that when I'm alone, I get depressed because I don't have much to take my mind off of things and because I'm a social creature, I need other people...And when I'm depressed and/or lonely, I want to go online...hmm...haha, that could prove to be a hurtful habit soon enough XD

Well, I have some bad news and some worse news...

The bad news is that it seems I'm going to need glasses. Now, please, please, PLEASE, I don't want anyone thinking that I think people with glasses suck or anything like that, a great number of my friends wear glasses, actually, but I've never had to have them, I've never WANTED to have them, and I know I'm probably going to forget them some morning, and the rest of the day will suck...And I'm not the type of person that looks good with glasses...at all...I don't even look good without them, I think they would just distort my face...again, this is just referring to me, on some people, they suit them much better than without. And some of you might say "Hey, get contacts" and I've already been told that by several people, but I'm going to be one to forget to put them in, and I cannot put them in...they'd be way too uncomfortable to put in and leave in and...uuugh, I can't stand it...but it's what I get for all those nights of reading manga and playing Gameboy in the dark and for sitting way too close to the TV...But I'm starting to realize that what they say is true - As you lose one sense, the others grow stronger...I swear, I stepped outside this morning to go to the bus stop, and I heard someone's alarm going off in the house across the street...It was pretty scary, actually...>.>'

Worse news - I took a mandatory EQ test today in Health, and I got a 79 out of 150...EQ is your Emotional IQ, or Emotional Quotient, whatever you want to call it - basically, what it is is a measure of how secure you are with yourself, how you see yourself, and how healthy you are emotionally...I got the second-lowest score in the entire freshman class so far (half of the freshman don't have health until 3rd semester), but the 3rd-lowest in my class was I think a 108...so...my friend Chloe got the lowest, a 63, and she was feeling really bad about it, so I was comforting her all the way back to our lockers...

On a brighter note, though (Yes, the happy Tina is still inside somewhere, and she's fighting to get back out - there is good news) I have an A in all of my classes except Math and Chemistry, which I have Bs in (But they're high Bs, one and two points away from an A, respectively) Although, my Social Sciences teacher hasn't added in the most recent grades, which were a pop quiz I failed (It was only 5 questions, so if you get one wrong, you're down to a C!...Ehehe...I only got one right...^.^' I would have gotten another right, but he counted spelling...Come on now, it was the Coriolis effect...I could have sworn there was an e in there somewhere...-_-') and a HW that I got a B on, so...I think I might be down to a B in that, too...uggh...looking back, that isn't that great, I shouldn't even allow myself to have a B in anything...uugh...Maybe I'm not cut out for this school, after all...T 3T

Ah, but it was fun this morning, since Roger (awesome bus driver) got us to school early, we got some extra time to hang out with all the people that get there on time XD Chloe and I walked around the school, talking to everyone, and then we just hung out in Alexa's homeroom for the rest of the morning, until the bell rang...I was happy, too, because it was my very first casual-dress day. This was the first time in my entire life that I could wear jeans and a T-shirt to a class, without having to pay anything...the very first time in my life, I was so happy!

And I have to welcome back Magnus-sama! *glomps her* SHE'S BACK!! I almost cried tears of joy when I found out...so everyone go pay her a visit!!!

But anyway...

COMMENTS

Well, I am doing comments from my post on Sunday...as for that...other...post...I want to PM those that answered and thank you for that...
And thanks for all agreeing to visit KT, I'm so sorry, I'm always asking people to visit other people...*cries*

JHCEO-kun (AKA Riceball-kun) - I didn't know you wanted -kun, I would have changed you to that a while ago, ahah...and...*sniffle* I'm not emo? T 3T I'm not cool enough to be emo...*sniffle* I promise, I do have one song that I will put on here when I'm feeling better that you will like, it's not dark, it's funny ^-^ Yeah, in my spare time, I made a page with a bunch of songs I can put on here, as well as some questions *grin* I'm such a loser, hahah...

Teshu-san - Haha, I changed it, as I think everyone can see...I don't see how the tongue's so scary, though...o-O I thought it was kinda cute...XD Uber-religious people...ugh...they make things suck, too...XD *gives you a girly hug* THIS IS A GIRL'S SITE, I ALLOW NO "MANLY" HUGS!! XD

SKF-sama - What's CID and VIN? Who are they? *confused* I WANT A FRANZ FERDINAND POSTER, TOOO!! T 3T I would save things to other files, but...eh...to lazy...It's almost too much effort to change the format so I can save them...haha, unless I really want the picture, I'll won't save it unless I don't have to change the format...XD

CloserCloser-san - Yeah, I think I'm going to stick to 2-question posts for a little while ^-^

Lytjuh-sama - Yeah, I usually don't show the really yaoi-ish yaoi to my mom...I don't SHOW her any, but I try really hard to hide the fairly explicit stuff...I don't have much, but...XD

J-chan - Nah, I spent forever and a ton of tape putting that poster on my door, it was quite stubborn...>.>' I hope you're feeling better now, with the stomach thing ^-^ *hugs*

Adrian - Yeah, scary-religious people suck...and talk to me im PMs, okay?

QUESTIONS

1 - If you had to choose one, pop or country?

2 - Which would you rather be, “gangsta/player” or “cheerleader/prep/jock”?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 - Ugh….my two least favorite genres…Er…I guess country, because it’s not always…happy and preppy and bubbly and blond and…oops, I’m sorry, that was rather stereotypical of me, wasn’t it? ^.^’

2 - Augh…why do I keep giving questions that are probably hardest for me to answer? Um…Again, I’d take the not preppy option, because I’m really not into the whole “*giggle* OMG TEEN HEARTTHROBS AND JOCKS AND OMG”………-_-‘ Ugh…I’d rather take knitting needles and gouge out my eyes and ears and…well, you get the point…>.>’

Well, that's all from me for now, I'll try to get to sites, but no guarantee...I'm really sorry *hugs everyone*

Take care!
Ja!
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

   Hi everyone

This isn't really a post, I'm cheating XP

One of my bestest buddies, Katie, the one I was always telling you guys about - the one that helps me with HTML, when I'm depressed, she helps me feel better, all that...
She just joined myO today ^-^

I'd appreciate it if you all visited her - trust me, she's the type that posts often and visits often, so she's definitely worth your time ^-^

Her username is letthedarkshine

I really appreciate everything ^-^

Oh, and for those of you that haven't read my previous post...Don't ^-^

Take care!
Ja!
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Monday, September 18, 2006

...........

I'm really sorry, everyone, and I know I'll regret this later, but I just need to get this out...
And I'm really scared to talk to anyone else...
And I really hate to do this, because I don't want to drive any more friends away..

But I need to talk.

The only reason I'm even posting this is because I know I probably won't have as many people reading it, since it's a later post, and people rarely look at people's posts if they posted a day ago, so... With any luck, no one will even read this post

I think I'm an emotional masochist. There. Heh, it's proof that something's wrong with me. Instead of inflicting physical pain (ie: cutting) I allow myself to take on emotional pain - and a lot of it...and some part of me likes it sometimes....
To be completely frank, I hate myself. With a passion. I'm completely serious. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at all my flaws and shortcomings and hate myself for them all. I truly believe that I am a cause (indirect or otherwise) of all the bad things in my life and the lives of those around me. I feel useless and I feel like a burden to everyone...

And most of my friends that I let get close enough to see me when I'm not always happy (or sometiems pretending to be) get freaked out and stop talking to me or don't talk to me the same way again...I feel selfish for resenting the fact that I can't feel pain around people...but yet again, I blame myself for A - always putting up a front that makes people expect happiness and joy from me at all times and B - wanting and expecting all my friends to always comfort me and understand and try to help me

I'm sorry, I know this makes no sense, and tomorrow, I'll probably be back to normal. I just wanted to get this out there. I'll understand if I see less guests soon

I won't do comments now, because I'm not really myself, but I'll suffice to say that reading them did cheer me up a bit. Thank you all for your support - It really does mean a lot to me, and I know that some days, it's the difference between life and death for some people that are worse than me on here...

Take care, everyone
Ja
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Sunday, September 17, 2006

   Bitemarks and Bloodstains

Meier, may we be this way forever,
And tell me lover, what will become of the others?
Bones, skin, nails and flesh,
On a bed of "lack of passion",
A medieval consequence.

They worry you with all the talk of how you're not their kind.

Now I'm stealing her body and taking it home.
There is always one more fall.

Maladjusted you must trust me darling.
Subsequently, you see, you deserve more than me.
They bury you while wearing garments of funeral fire.

Now I'm stealing her body and taking it home.
There is always one more fall.

This will hurt you,
It's killing me.
(This is the salt in my side; this is the thorn in my eye)
This will hurt you,
And I will too,
And I will…

Bloodlust - for this girl
Bloodloss - for this boy

Another puncture wound
And once again, forgive my sins.

Now I'm stealing her body and taking it home.
There is always one more fall.

This is forever
"Bitemarks and Bloodstains"
-Finch

Yay! I love that song, and before I get any other comments from...someone...*coughJHCEO-samacough* IT IS MEANT TO BE SCARY, THIS SONG!! I don't find it that, I find it beautiful, romatnic, even, but...>.>'

Well, the computer guy did fix it, it didn't take him very long at all...but he did bring his uncle with him, which kinda scared me...his uncle didn' even do anything, he just sat on my floor and stared at my cat...o-O'
But my computer was REALLY slow yesterday, the speed has picked up some today, but then again, I deleted like 100 of my pictures....*tear* It's okay, though, those were ones I never looked at anyway...
And my iTunes isn't letting me listen to any music I bought...it says I need to authorize it...and I know my mom's PW, but everytime it says it's authorized, it says the connection was lost, and I still can't listen to them! I'm going to call up iTunes sometime soon...

My uber-religious aunt is coming over today.....>.>' I cannot permit her to go upstairs or downstairs - downstairs, I have tons of "sinful" anime (FMA, Inu, etc) and as soon as you walk upstairs, the first thing you see is the huge Green Day poster on my door, with a picture of a shirtless Alucard-sama hanging over it...XD

Well, not much else to say...Enjoy the yaoi-ness of my site for the last day, before school (or work) starts up again...X3

Comments:

EvilGuys-san - I love the new avvie!! X3 It's so cool!! Yay!! I have awesome taste in music =3 And I'm really glad you like the music, it flatters me when people like the music I put up ^-^

Makenshi-san - Yay!! I'm not into yuri, but then, I'm a girl, and most girls aren't into yuri, like most guys aren't into yaoi...But yay! *glomps you*

BlackRose-san - T 3T Everyone's taking all my cookies...there won't be enough for everyone else...*makes some more* HURRY UP WITH THE REST OF THOSE COOKIES, ALUCARD-SAMA! *Alucard-sama-"........*eats me*"

JHCEO-sama (AKA Riceball-sama)- See, you've upgraded to -SAMA ^-^ I'm sorry if my music freaks you out, I always like the darker music for some reason...And yet again, a beautifully long comment XD You know, you are the second person to call me emo, and I'm starting to think that I am...which makes me happy, because I wasn't quite sure what I was...not quite smart enough to be a nerd...not quite school-friendly enough to be a geek, too many friends to be a loser (I think I still fit into that category, though XD) and CERTAINLY not a prep or jock, so...not quite scary enough to be goth...so Yay! It's emo! And I have no such thing as TiVO or DVR, so I do things the old-fashioned, true anime freak way - I stay up all damn night watching anime!! XD Yeah, compy's working, and the guy's an idiot ^-^ Will a cookie suffice as your pay? *hands you 20 cookies* (ALUCARD_SAMA! I told you to hurry up with the rest of those cookies, they're going fast!! *Alucard-sama - ".......What the hell am I doing here...and didn't I just eat you?"
Hehe, yes, isn't the yaoi theme PRETTY!! *gives you a watering can* There, that might help you with growing one...ne?

Teshu-san - Yay!! JOIN ME IN THE LISTENING TO OF DARK MUSIC! YAY!

Adrian - Yeah, I kinda figured you'd like the music...and yes, I was hoping my theme would be yaoi-ish X3

J - I'll say he does, the guy's an idiot...Geez, what's up with HS Freshman getting sick?...Kinda creepy, no?

Now that I'm looking at how long this has taken me, and I've been distracted by many conversations on AIM, so...I don't know if I'll be able to visit today, I'm really sorry, and I feel terrible about it...but don't forget that I will be visiting on the weekdays, so I will see your posts ^-^

Questions -

1 - Are any of you sick?
(Sorry, I'm casting around for ideas, and I have none...>.>)

2 - Do any of you think that I should stop using dark songs?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 - I'm actually feeling much better now, so I'm okay...but I am a little perv, so...XD

2 - I like my music, but that's why I'm asking you guys

Take care!
Ja!
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