Friday, October 6, 2006

The Girl's a Straight-Up Hustler
Lipstick has a way of leaving more than just a mark on my sheets,
coloring my senses cherry red;
at least for this week.
Kisses under starry night skies,
talked about in song, we play along,
so bitter sweet by our design.
I'm sick and tired of writing songs about you.
This is it, this is the end.

Take off your makeup and put down the camera,
choke on the drama that makes me want to,
tear up the pictures, the pages you've saved,
creating a life of trends and make believe.

I've got no place in my heart for a criminal like you to dwell in
this endeavor, make this last forever.
I'm just delirious.
You can't be serious.
You're so infamous for leaving me a mess.

Take off your makeup, put down the camera,
choke on the drama that makes me want to,
tear up the pictures and pages you've saved,
creating a life of trends and make believe.

She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets,
get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces. Repeat x4
("Are you having a good time sweetheart?")

Take off your makeup, put down the camera,
choke on the drama that makes me want to,
tear up the pictures and pages you've saved,
creating a life of trends and make believe.

Carry on home, I'll be waiting miles and miles away,
leaving you to be forever seventeen,
cleaning up the messes that you've made.

"The Girl's a Straight-Up Hustler"
-All Time Low

One of my newer bands, All Time Low...there's no screaming in their music, it's not scary, I know, but I also love Fall Out Boy and Forgive Durden and Cute is What We Aim For, which aren't scary bands, but...Just goes to show that not all of my music is scary...

Although it's odd, because I'm feeling like listening to some dark, depressing, scary music with a lot of screaming right now...but instead I'm listening to All Time Low...huh...

Yeah, I don't know what's caused it...probably the combination of the clinical depression, the little bit of bipolar that's starting to show through, being lonely, and just...feeling bleah-ish...

Urgh...It was scary on Monday...I felt the urge to cut, for the very first time...I didn't, of course, but...I've taken to dragging my nails (which are now long) down my forearms...It's not quite cutting, it hurts less and I don't bleed, and people can't see it, but...

*exhales slowly* I'm supposed to go to the football game with Alexa tomorrow...but...well, I made a fool of myself in front of her mom yesterday, after the basketball meeting, and I stupidly blurted out something about someone screwing someone else, and her mom just looked really shocked and...Uuugh, I hate myself...It would just be so awkward tomorrow...and they'd have to come a long way to come pick me up to take me to the game anyway...but my mom made plans because I wasn't going to be home...I don't know what to do anymore...

Aahhh, I just want to cry, but I can't...or rather, I shouldn't...

And I'm worried that if I cancel on Alexa that I'll regret it tomorrow, if I'm feeling better...but if I'm at the football game feeling horrible, that's not good either...I'm such a mess...
There are so many things wrong with my little head...

I don't know why, but I just haven't been able to fully pull myself out of this ditch...I've been depressed for a few weeks now...It's been bearble during school most times and some other times at home, but it's always in the back of my head, and I'm always feeling badly about myself, and the slightest little mishap on my part causes me to fall apart...

I'm a freaking wreck.

I really need to get some anti-depressants, like my therapist wants to put me on, but my mom's strongly against it, since the anti-depressants aren't tested on children (she still considers me a child, even though, body-wise, I'm an adult...sort of) so we don't know what the side effects could be...but I know what the side effects are going to be if I stay like this much longer...I've heard that self-injury (burning, cutting, hitting, etc) normally starts small, but progresses from one thing to the next very quickly...

Forgive me, I'm a mess, but I just need this outlet now more than ever...if I told any of my other friends, they'd freak out or avoid me or try to send me to the freaking wellness center at school...but I do plan to go there sometime...

...I just want someone to tell me that I can take a break from all this, that I actually deserve a vacation from all this pain...

I won't do comments again, because it wouldn't be fair to you guys for me to respond as I am now.

Take care, and don't worry (if anyone is) I'll probably feel a little better soon...
Ja
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