Thursday, March 9, 2006

Eek. I'm causing conflicts in my comments box. It's kind of funny. And if you haven't noticed already, I do think I have some mental illness of some manner... Not schizophrenia, since I don't hallucinate and nobody seems to think there's something that seriously wrong with me... I don't miss chunks of time, so it's not MPD/DID... And since I'm happy most of the time, it's not depression. I don't have violent moodswings for no reason, so I'm not bipolar. Incidentally, is it all that hard to believe that I can laugh at myself? Maybe I was upset/pissed/stressed/whatever-you-want-to-call-it a couple days ago. But the next day, I was in a good mood... so is it difficult to believe that I could feel differently about things and have everything make me laugh? Including my own problems? No, I'm not menstrual, and I'm not schizo, I'm just a teenager. Teenagers are strange. Teenagers don't make sense. They have crazy hormones and stuff. Now that I've established that I CAN feel different from day to day about the same thing, we'll move on to a different topic. I started playing guitar a little bit last night and this morning... It hurts my fingers like all hell... Lol. I can play "twinkle twinkle little star" and "aura lee"... and that's about the extent of my expertise right now... I need a pick. I was using my thumbnail, but I kept missing the damn string cuz my nail was too short... I think having long fingers is gonna be a pain in the ass... I kept putting my lefthand fingers on the wrong strings cuz I'm not used to guitar yet... I'm sure I'll get used to it quickly enough... I gotta work on my research paper sometime this weekend, so booyeah for that. *rolls eyes* What a tiresome event. I'm sure once I finish with the actual "research" part of the "research paper" then I'll be good to go. Research is tiresome when you don't really give a shit about the topic and basically are only doing it cuz you have a gun to your head... Figuratively speaking. Get this: I kid you not. I got bit by a ladybug until it drew blood. Granted, it was less blood than a pinprick would draw, but I mean, a ladybug, for the love of god! They're just little tiny things. My thumb was all itchy and stuff for half an hour afterwards. Now it's just got a little red dot on it to show that the skin was broken clear through... The damn thing was just sitting there chewing on my thumb! I thought maybe when it realized it was outside and not in the bathroom window anymore, it'd let go, but no, it just sat there going "nyah nyah nyah nyah" gnawing on my poor thumb... I didn't want to flick it away, because I think it had half its little face buried in my flesh, and the last thing I wanted was to have a ladybug's body go flying off while its head stayed behind, embedded in my flesh, like a tick or something. Parasitic bastard. Well, I'm gonna go wander about... ~SJ "I find, there's a vampire in my mind when I'm dreaming of you. I don't know why there's a vampire in my mind. You gotta believe me, I'm a regular guy."

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Wednesday, March 8, 2006

  

WOOHOO! People bitched at me! For all my "everyone loves me" shit, I think I piss off a lot more people than I realize. It's not MY fault I have the occasional swing into "BAD" mood... Normally I'm so happy that I couldn't give a shit if I piss people off or if they bitch at me. I'm in that kind of mood now. I read my comments, and smiled. I smiled at the ones attacking me. I smiled at the ones defending me. I smile, with bright shiny green eyes filled with happiness. In fact, I had a blister appear overnight the night before last, and I took the bandaid off this morning and it looked like a heart. It made me happy. Stung like a bitch, but it made me happy. I have a four-day weekend. It makes me happy. I had two easy-as-shit quizzes today. They made me happy. I did nothing in all my other classes. That made me happy. I almost had a heart attack when my friend threw a packet of skittles at me. That made me laugh until I almost died. My story got read aloud to the class by the teacher. It was better than I thought it was. That made me happy. It was also the only happy story of the four, and the only one that met the standards for the contest, therefore probably the only one of the class that will get published. That makes me happy. Everyone else's stories were about: 1) a bounty hunter. 2) a rape victim who murders her attacker. 3) a nonhuman kid which psychological problems who ended up ripping out this guy's liver and becoming the best serial killer ever. Mine... was about a freshman in high school who went to fetch his teddy bear from his sister's room. It makes me happy. Today, my research for my paper went nowhere. I got probably five or ten more sources that may or may not be helpful... I got on the computer and just clicked on things that might look helpful and printed them... it makes me laugh. I don't know what I'm doing my paper on. That makes me laugh too. I'm gonna try to figure that out this weekend and start actually directing my efforts... There was this one article I saw that said "Japan tackles flight rights of the mentally ill"... It, too, made me laugh, but I didn't feel like reading it. Incidentally, the paper body has to be five pages at least, with a cover page and bibliography page, and parenthetical citation where appropriate. Which is basically everywhere. That makes me frown. I have a headache. It makes me sad. I don't know when Brokeback Mountain comes out on DVD. That makes me frown. Memoirs of a Geisha comes out on DVD March 28th... That makes me excited. I'm stating my emotions about every single thing I say, just so you know how I feel about everything. It makes me laugh. Incidentally, I don't get stressed, I get angry. Anger = strong inclination towards violence against others. Stress = strong inclination towards violence against self. I would never hurt myself with the intention of feeling pain. I won't explain that last. ~SJ "I see hell in your eyes. Taken in by surprise. Touching you makes me feel alive. Touching you makes me die inside."

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Tuesday, March 7, 2006

I'm pissed. You know that creative writing contest I've complained about on here where it has to be under 1500 words and all that? Well, the thing I wrote was 2,380 words, and I was complaining about it, and I didn't want to submit it, and my mother's like, "I think you should submit that thing you wrote at the beginning of the year." One of the only two things I ever let her read of mine... it was the first thing I wrote for that damn class... and I think it sucks. But, the 2380-word story is equally sucky, if not more so, so I decided I would submit that thing I wrote at the beginning of the year. It's 328 words. But anyways, I think that thing sucks ass too, and it turns out we have to read them to the class. Fucking shit. I'm not reading that shit to the class, and I told the teacher that (without the word 'shit,' and she still thinks I'm submitting the thing we've spent the past week working on... won't she be disappointed when she finds out I'm submitting some old piece of shit instead of a new piece of shit)... anyways, she said something about reading our things out loud, and I'm like, "Um, no I'm not." and she got all offended because nobody wants to read theirs out loud, and she says that she can understand why we don't want to read them out loud, but nobody in the classroom is gonna say they suck, and blahblahblah, and people we don't even know are gonna read them, and she's tried to create a comfortable and positive environment in this class! I don't read out loud in front of a group of people, and I don't like to have my stuff read out loud when I'm around. I don't like to know what people think of it, or of me. I don't know why, but I don't. I don't take compliments well, and in a "positive environment", that's what you get. Compliments. Blah. I ain't readin' my shit out loud. As for my research paper... Holy fucking shit. I mean, I have to have six sources by monday, of four different types. I have four sources of three different types (2 books, a pamphlet, & an encyclopedia)... I was gonna get on the computer today and use the power library and shit, but the PRINTER was broken. What. The. Fuck. That's just my fucking luck. I also think there's something wrong with some organ in my lower back, probably my kidney, cuz it's hurt for two days, and this morning when I went to get out of bed, my back spasmed in pain and I almost collapsed. When I told my friend that, he laughed and said that was cool. I told him it wasn't, and he apologized. If I end up in the hospital with kidney failure or some such joy, I'm gonna get up in his face and guilt-trip him until he cries because he laughed at me. If I have some kidney problem, that's just fucking great, because I'm only sixteen, and that puts my life expectancy at like, 30... Because if my kidney fucks up and I have to be on meds forever, or function differently than any other person, I'll shoot myself in the head. What the fuck do your kidneys do, anyways? I haven't told my mother it's still bothering me, but I suppose if I sit here long enough, then get up and my back spazzes with pain and I collapse and bust my face off the desk, I guess she'll figure something's wrong then, won't she. Pardon me. I'm gonna go slaughter innocent bystanders. ~SJ "I can't relate to a happy state. Feeling the blood run inside. Why won't you die?"

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Sunday, March 5, 2006

  

I'm bored beyond all human capabilities. I'm trying to write and wait at the same time. I know, that sounds kind of stupid... But I'm waiting for something to load, and I'm trying to write, and I'm doing fine in the writing department except that I can't CONCENTRATE because I have a MENTAL DISORDER, GODDAMMIT! My research paper has changed topic twice. First, it was "evidence to prove the existence of multiple personalities"... I found nothing on that (then again, I didn't really look)... so then I changed it to "treatments for schizophrenia"... But my teacher, when I told her to change it, just wrote "schizo" next to my name on her list... So, I went through my shit about schizophrenia that I had gathered so far (two books, ten pages out of each... I had four days in class and that's all the effort I put into it)... All I found was that there was some medicine developed in the 1950's that lessened the symptoms but had side effects similar to Parkinson's disease. Thank you, but I'd rather have schizophrenia... Be oblivious and psychotic rather than aware and in pain and misery... But anyways, my paper has to be about an "issue" that I can "take sides" on... So, I talked to my mother a little bit and she suggested I do my paper on something like the rights of mentally ill when they commit crimes. I don't know SHIT about that... But it's something I can take sides on... I have to find six sources of four different types in three class periods and a four-day weekend, so basically we're saying, I'm so fucking screwed for this research paper that I might as well fall out into the street in front of a moving bus right now, y'know? Now, I shall go get thoroughly distracted trying to write my story and come back here to ramble a bit more when I get distracted from trying to write my story. .....! The story is going better than I thought. Wow. So, I'm gonna go now. I gotta look something up about some movies, just for the hell of it, then I'm gonna continue to write. ~SJ Na no da.

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Saturday, March 4, 2006

  

I feel kinda sick. OH MY GOD. So, I'm on this real Kirito/Pierrot thing right now... I'm trying to find their CDs to buy online... I hate eBay, but I checked there... reaffirmed my hatred for it... it's such a mess. all the descriptions all "I Can'T DECIde WHEthER to put THEM IN ALL capitals OR LOWERcase!!111" So, I'm on Amazon... Yay amazon... They're kinda messy too, but I think I'm probably gonna get one of their CDs... I just can't decide which one... The one I want is THIRTY SIX FREAKIN' DOLLARS!!!111 Grrr. The cheapest one they have was described as being "too happy"... Damnit. And I'm attempting to watch one of the videos from one of the songs on the CD and from the 30 seconds I've managed to get, it is happy. *heavy sigh* I love Kirito, though. Did you know Kohta's his little brother? I'm halfway watching Ace Ventura... As I was saying... Kohta is Kirito's little brother. Kirito's real name is Shinya. Their family name is Murata. Kirito's birthday is February 24th, 1972, and Kohta's is sometime in 1975... As for my other musical obsessions right now, Gackt is beautiful. Malice Mizer's lead singer is Gackt. And Gackt is beautiful. It's circular. Moi Dix Mois is dark and awesome... Lunasea... um, I don't know anything about Lunasea, or X Japan, for that matter (except that there's too much English in their music for a singer who doesn't speak the damn language very well)... What other bands... what other bands do I love... Gackt, Pierrot, Moi Dix Mois, Lunasea, X Japan, ...Orange Range? Nope, don't know shit about them, either. Dir en Grey? Um... one of the band members names' is Kyo... MALICE MIZER!!! Yeah. Gackt is their lead singer. Anyone else? Nope. Okay, so I only know the real name and birthday of one of my favorite singers. I don't even know that much about any of the english bands I listen to. I don't even know the first names of the lead singers of any of the english bands I like. I feel like listing things now. Meanwhile, I have a research paper to work on and a short story to write (that's a bigger pain in the ass than the research paper. The story has maximum words. The paper has minimum pages. It's much easier for me to write a lot than a little). But, I'm gonna go list all my favorite bands... ~SJ *dances to "Psychedelic Lover" by Pierrot. Kirito is so beautiful in this video*

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Friday, March 3, 2006

   heyyo

I love Gackt. On that note, we'll move on to things about my day. I did a freewrite in creative writing today... after reading all the other freewrites I've done this year... I haven't done any since... god, Halloween or something. But anyways, I did one today, and it basically was a story about what my characters were doing in my mind at the moment. Shadow and Karasu are tied up in the corner and suffering from severe head trauma... Arty is stalking Rage, probably with intention to jump him... Rage, on the other hand, is all set to beat Arty over the head soundly with a set of nanchaku that he doesn't know how to use, exactly, so he kinda uses them as a club. Bop bop bop! I'm cold. I want to learn how to play piano, guitar, and violin. God. I better get to work. I don't know of a single person who knows how to play violin, so that one's out. But piano, I can do. And guitar, I can do. If my mother will sit down and teach me, dammit. Piano I can teach myself, I think. Guitar, I don't know shit about. I know where the keys are on a piano, so all I'd need to learn would be about which fingers you use for which notes... But then I'd promptly disobey it and do it however it worked for me... Like typing. *dances to Apocalyptica* God I'm cold. A girl threw a piece of chicken down my bra at lunch today. That made me most displeased. It's one thing when it goes down your shirt. It's another thing entirely when it ends up in your bra. And chicken, no less! POULTRY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! POULTRY! I think I'm gonna type up all my freewrites. I should. It'd make an interesting read. Whenever I'm bored, open up the freewrites... But that also makes them vulnerable to prying eyes on the computer... *shrug* I'm too cold to think... watashi no tomodachi no neko o tabete mimasu. ~SJ I'll try to eat my friend's cat...

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Wednesday, March 1, 2006

  

Man, my friends are insecure. Just because I don't hug them and say "I love you SOOOOOO much and I'm SOOOOOO glad to be friends with you and there's no one else in the ENTIRE WORLD I would rather be friends with!" they assume I don't like them at all. (excluding my best friend) Whereas my best friend, I told her today, "I hate you. You're not my best friend anymore." And proceeded to claim random people, whoever I was talking to aside from her, as my "new best friend", then shun her by referring to her as "ex-best friend" all the rest of the day. I don't even remember why I "hate" her, but I do. Now, I don't do that to my other friends, but they're the insecure ones. What is up with that? I mean, I can understand that my best friend that I've been friends with since 1st grade wouldn't be insecure about our friendship, but I've known the other two since 6th grade and we've got 13 weeks left of 10th grade. I mean, come on. Going on five years. I think if I was gonna "dump" them, I'd have done it by now. Do they really think if I "hated" them that I'd still talk to them? Obviously. I mean, I think they're extremely devoted to me, and they would probably die for me (cuz they're just emotional like that)... and if they're expecting that kind of devotion, they can forget it, cuz I mean... I dunno if I would die to save my best friend. It'd be either we both lived, or we both died. There wouldn't be any in-between. I mean, I'd risk a lot for her, but I'm not about to assure my death just to assure her survival. Mostly due to my distrusting nature. This is deep shit here. Myotaku seems to be my "figure out my inner self through rants and rambles while spilling it all out into the world for any skmo to read" place... Incidentally, isn't the smiley face with the buggy eyes the awesomeest thing to ever be created? I mean, just stare at it for a while, and it starts to get really... interesting... hypnotic... transfixing... ~SJ

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Monday, February 27, 2006

My research paper... ugh. I wanted to do it on multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia, right? So, I tell my teacher that, and of course it's not NARROW enough... I didn't want to do something really NARROW... but I heard her saying to somebody else, "I don't want a REPORT... It shouldn't just be ABOUT this... You have to have a POINT to prove..." So my paper is about "evidence to prove the existence of multiple personalities." I went in the library and got out a book called "Jennifer and Her Selves." I checked it out and I'm gonna read it. Sounds entertaining, no? I think I'm gonna have to find some book or somewhere that says they don't believe MPD is real... cuz I said that to my teacher, that some people don't even believe it's real, so now I have to prove it is, dammit. Maybe I'll kinda take the "some people say it's just violent mood swings, while others say it's split personalities" approach... I dunno. But I have a month to write it, so, woot. So, Drew won Dancing with the Stars... When they said Stacy was the one eliminated, I cheered. She was a good dancer and everything, but I think the judges gave her higher scores than Drew all the time cuz they were entranced by her shaking her backside at them. She wore a skimpy outfit and shook her butt at the judges and got 10's. Drew did just as good as her at his dance, and got 9's. But he won anyways. And PLUS, he said the trophy was ugly, which I agree with very much. That was hilarious. Before he won, he's like, "It's an ugly trophy, but we want it anyway." Incidentally, over the weekend, I rented and watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Unleashed, and The Chronicles of Riddick. YAY action movies! I'm sick. I have a runny nose and I had a major fever yesterday when I was at my best friend's house until 6:00... She has my germs. I'm probably gonna not be in school tomorrow, and everybody in math class will hate me because we won't get bonus points for perfect attendance on test day... but that's okay, because I won't get any damn bonus points. At least they'll get one or two for being there on test day. ~SJ

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Friday, February 24, 2006

*heavy sigh* Well, I figured out what classes I'm gonna take... I'm gonna turn in my course sheet first thing monday morning... I have one signature left to get and that teacher had damn well better be there on monday. My English teacher told me that if I hadn't chosen to take Advanced Placement, she wouldn't have signed my paper. And we can't take the classes without signatures from teachers. My world cultures teacher signed mine today too. I could have taken AP US History, cuz I've had an A+ in world cultures all year, but I hate history (and besides, I'm hoping to get one of my favorite teachers by taking plain old American History)... So he's just like, "You're sure?" and I said, "Yeah." and he signed it. With his full name, including the "III" part... It'd suck to have the same name as your father and grandfather (especially me, since I'm a girl, lol, but that's not what I meant). But that was just about the first time I've spoken to him, and it was all of one word. (I sit way in the back farthest corner of the room from his desk and where he stand and sits to lecture, and every desk is full in that classroom, so yay for that one, sparky.) Let's see what else... I'm gonna try to get my facilitator for Japanese to get me and my best friend in a bunch of the same classes again, and I'm gonna see if she'll try to get me class in with two of the teachers I want... one for American History and one for Chemistry... I don't want to take Chem, but is there anything else available that I want to take? NOOOOooooooope. Of course not. I mean, after all, I've been forced to take... "library skills" for a semester. All you do in that class is learn how to use the photocopy machine, computers, and card catalog, then sit there and look useless until somebody asks you for help. YAY for that. What a waste of 45 minutes of five out of seven days of my life for 18 weeks... Cry for me, baby. I'm in a strange mood today. My friend was being sickening at lunch today. He was saying that I want to screw Drew or Nick Lachey, and honest to god, no I don't. Nick is blah and Drew is cute, but I wouldn't want to screw either of them. Then he was saying something about this one boy that he thinks I said was hot, but I honestly do NOT remember ever saying it. And I really don't think I did, because he's not hot. And I don't say that guys are hot easily. He's not. THEN as we were going up the stairs from lunch, he said something about me dancing in biology and shaking my boobs, and I was like, "I was not shaking my boobs!" and he's like, "Yes you were! How can you not! They're--" and I screamed at him to shut up, he was sickening, and I wanted to throw him down the stairs. There were people behind me that I'd really rather not have overhear one of my friends saying anything about my boobs so that attention is drawn to them. Jesus God, I wear baggy clothes for more reasons than that they're just that comfortable. THEN, as we were parting ways at the top of the stairs, he whispered, "You know you'd do Keith." and I was like, "NO." (Keith is a boy I call "Cro-Magnum Man" because he reminds me of those pictures of Neanderthaals with their scraggy hair and bad posture, but my friend thinks he's hot). And I honestly feel no attraction towards Cromagnum man. None at all. He's tall and muscular, but apart from that, not so much. He doesn't remind me of neanderthaals because he's gorgeous, y'know what I'm saying? None of my friends have good taste in men. *heavy sigh* Except my best friend, cuz she's got my brain, so duh. Is this post long? I feel like I've been writing for a long time. I finally get time to write today! YAY! I haven't had time to do SHIT for the past two nights. I'm gonna write today! Yee-ahya! Drew Lachey's gonna win Dancing with the Stars! (or at least he damn well better!) I'm thinking of doing my research paper for English on some kind of mental illness, but the topic has to be "narrow" and I bet "schizophrenia" or "MPD/DID" isn't "narrow" enough. How about... "Schizophrenia through the ages..." *snicker* or "People with schizophrenia in the modern world..." The topic has to be "American and current" and it can't be a "biography" and it can be about "abortion or eating disorders" so I figure schizophrenia in general won't be "current" enough, so I'll have to ask advice of the scary "YOU MUST TAKE AP LANG NEXT YEAR OR I WILL KILL YOU" teacher as to how I should narrow it down... Yeeha for that one, cowboy. Ride 'em bulls, yo. I'm out. ~SJ Baaa. OMIGOD I FORGOT TO MENTION! M&M's... their spring phase has these ADORABLE little things on them... The M&M's are so cute now! They have little sheepies and bunnies and chickies on them! ("chickies" being "baby chickens", not "diminutive nickname for a small and feisty woman") THEY'RE SO DAMN CUTE!

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

  

I'm sad.... Apparently there's no more surprise for my birthday. It's saddening. Cuz, they don't know how to do whatever it was. All I know is, it wasn't a male stripper. *heavy sigh* I have to write 1st person POV... Blaaaah. I watched The Brothers Grimm today... I spent half the movie trying to figure out why Matt Damon had blonde hair and Heath Ledger had dark hair... I thought it was the other way around, so I spent half the movie wondering whether Matt Damon was playing Will or Jacob... I thought he was Jacob, because Jacob didn't look like Heath Ledger, but he didn't look like Matt Damon either, and Matt Damon, since I always thought he had dark hair, looked like Jacob, and... or, um... Yeah. Then I spent the entire middle part of the movie going, "Wait... That is not Heath Ledger. No way. But the other guy isn't either! No..." It wasn't confirmed for me until he took off those damn glasses. Which was about ten minutes before the end of the movie... Cuz, I mean, half the reason I wanted to see the damn movie was because I wanted to pay attention to Heath Ledger. He's nominated for so many damn awards for Brokeback Mountain, I want to see some of his other stuff. It's difficult to pay attention to one's performance when you can't figure out which one he is..... But when I figured it out finally, I watched the end of the movie triumphantly, thinking, "This goofball later goes on to play a gay cowboy who is like, stoic and silent and kinda stupid." Needless to say, I need to watch the movie again, because: 1) it confused me 2) it was strange 3) all the French guys were... odd 4) I need to pay attention to Heath Ledger, now that I realize who he is 5) I need to watch the movie to see the movie, not to sit there and wonder why Matt Damon didn't look like Heath Ledger. Incidentally, I have to schedule my classes for next year now, and I have an elective and a half left to figure out, and I'm also gonna take a damn advanced english class that I don't want to take, just so I can have a better chance of having a slightly productive future as a writer. I HATE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! HURT ME, PLEASE! It's called something like "Advanced Placement English Language and Compositions." There's summer work. There's papers to write. There's books to read. Shoot. Me. Please. *heavy sigh* I'm thinking of taking TV Workshop all year and a semester of Drama or Library Skills. *snicker* Drama. I can act, oh yes. But I need to be in a comfortable environment, and nobody makes me comfortable but my best friend. It's kinda sad that I'm fifteen and need my best friend to hold my hand (figuratively speaking) for me to feel safe, but hey. I'm used to people hating me and laughing at me. It's bound to do something to my self esteem, isn't it? Ri-i-i-i-ight. Well, I've got stories to write in half an hour and then I have a shitload of math homework, but I have to watch Dancing with the Stars... Math homework = not first priority. ~SJ Incidentally, The Brothers Grimm was directed by the guy from Monty Python... directed Monty Python and the Holy Grail... British... This explains a lot about the movie's strangeness.

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