Sunday, December 11, 2005

HATE HATE HATE. RAGE DETEST DISPISE.

I hate Christmas. And money, and feeling obligated to buy things, and being nice. I hate being nice. I had $100. I spent perhaps $30 of it on me. The rest on other people. But worst of it, I spent nearly $50 on my best friend. She spent like, $30 on me. I'm not getting her anything much for her birthday in February cuz I spent a fucking shitload of money on her. And the sad thing is, I kept seeing things in stores in the mall yesterday and thinking, "She'd like that." If I had a lot of money I'd buy her a lot of stuff. As it is, I spent most of my money on her... I spent nothing on my parents and $2 on my sister. My sister's getting something else when I get more money, I'll get my mother something, and maybe if I get more money before Christmas I'll get my dad something.... Bad thing is, he gave me the hundred dollars and I didn't spend any of it on him. I feel bad. I shouldn't. I'm not supposed to care. It's not in my nature to give a shit. But the thing is, I had money, and I spent it on people. That's the bad thing. Last year, I don't think I had money, so I couldn't feel bad about not buying people things. This year, I had money, and spent half of it on one person. I am seriously not getting her much (if anything) for her birthday. She can complain all she wants, I'll bitch at her. I'm very good at bitching. See, I'm doing it right now. I hate Christmas. I hate not having money. I hate just about everything. I hate humanity. It sucks. I want to isolate myself. I'll live in a cave in a forest in some other country. I'll move to Japan. They're computer geniuses. They'd probably know I was living in the cave and find a way to spy on me if they felt the need. And that would suck. *deep breaths* I'll get more money for Christmas. Nobody knows what to get me. I'll get money. *deep, calming breaths* AND I'LL SPEND IT ALL ON MYSELF, DAMMIT! ME, ME, ME! DAMN THIS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT SHIT! DAMN COCACOLA'S 'GIVE. LIVE. LOVE.' CHRISTMAS LOGO THING! Though they do have adorable commercials. DAMN ADORABLE COMMERCIALS! DAMN THEM! I need a relaxer. When I get my moolah for Christmas, I'm gonna curl up around it and hug it and never spend it, until I go to Hot Topic and find out if they have my trenchcoat that I want. If they don't... I'll spend as sparsely as I can. I hate not having money. No, I don't get allowance. No, I don't have a job. No, I can't bum money off my parents. I just have to sit around and wait until somebody feels hospitable. Or until x-mas and my birthday. I hate it. ~SJ

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