Tuesday, March 16, 2004

   Just Jokes Today
Now, I am just going to copy and paste some really funny but long jokes here. I got the from TPT Forums, which I'm sure they got from somewhere else, but sadly I cannot give info cause I don't know!

Fun Things to do in a Final Exam That You Haven't Studied for and are Going To Fail The Class Anyways.
1) Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
2) Bring cheerleaders.
3) Do the entire exam as if it were multiple choice and true/false. If the exam is multiple choice or true/false, spell out interesting things. (DCCAB, BABE, etc...)
4) Turn in the exam approximatley 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
5) Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
6) Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Be persuasive in trying to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell him to expect a percentage of the profits if they can stay.
7) As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
8) Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest you.
9) Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geez, better get crackin'," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
10) Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For exams involving numbers, try using Roman numerals.
11) Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
12) 15 minutes into the exam, stand up, rip all the papers into veey small peices, throw them into the air, and yell "Merry Christmas!!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process as often as possible.
13) Do the exam with crayons, paint, or flourescent markers.
14) Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instuctor and say, "Thjey've found me, I have to leave the country." and run off.
15) Bring pets.
16) On the answer sheet (book, whatever), find a new, ionteresting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
17) Get a copy of the exam and run out screaming "Andre! Andre! I've got the secret documents!!"
18) Bring a Gameboy. Play with the volume at max level.
19) Walk into the room, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor: "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semster long!! What's the deal?! And who the hell are you?! Where's the regular guy?!"
20) Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instuctor's left nostril.
21) If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
22) Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm sooooo sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

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Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Farmer Bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Faulkland Islands
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures house
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two soviet ships collide, one dies
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
War dims hope for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

"If you cannot read this, this leaflet will tell you how." ~On a leaflet

"Fits one head." ~ On a showercap

"Serving suggestion: defrost." ~ On a range of frozen dinners

"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a creche on the first floor." ~ Sign at a conference

"Not to be used as protection from a tornado." ~ On a blanket from Taiwan

"Remember, objects in mirror are actually behind you." ~ On a helmet-mounted mirror used by US cyclists

"Low self esteem support group meets Thursday at 7p.m. Please use back door." ~ Sign in a church hall

"This product not tested on animals." ~ On a can of insect spray

102 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

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If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

Answer their questions with questions.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Stutter on the letter "p."

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window."

Rent a pizza.

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

Play a sitar in the background.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask to see a menu.

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

Try to talk while drinking something.

Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Be vague in your order.

When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Put them on hold.

Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

Haggle.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order term life insurance.

When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.

Engage in some serious swapping.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Order a steamed pizza.

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

"Ask for your pizza Shaken not stirred."

When lisying the toppings u want say mushrooms. Right before you hang up say:]
No Mushrooms please! Hang up before they can respond.

10 Rejected Flavors of Kool-Aid

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Drunkenberry Punch

Strawberry Escargo

Tastes Like Teen Spirit

Toxic Yellow Surprise

Roadkill Red

Rocka-fishy Tuna

Chocolate Fudge Ripple

Picklejuice

Shrimp Cocktail

Sea Monkeys!

Signs You Are Drunk

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You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. Hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women/men.

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You're as jober as a sudge.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
by Alan Meiss (ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu)

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Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "Oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp and then say, "Mmmm...tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

51 things to do at Walmart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field .
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows fromBed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Hide inside the clothing racks, jump out at random people browsing there and take pictures of their expressions.

For the Harry Potter fans!!

101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Professor Snape

1. Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail.
For a week. Put it to good use.

2. Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and has he seen it?

3. Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes.

4. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'

5. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.

6. Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glo pink. You know what to do next.

7. Get an owl. Name it after him.

8. Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room.

9. Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments.

10. Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff.

11. Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart.

12. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape.

13. Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason.

14. Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according
to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice. )

15. Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!'

16. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the whomping willow'

17. Squeak softly everytime he says your name during roll-call.

18. Get Hermione to teach you a spell revealing the undergarments of it's subject.
Use it at every available oppurtunity.

19. Look terrified and leave the hall ANYTIME he picks up his spoon at mealtimes.

20. 'Need a brush over there Professor?'

21. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined
walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.

22. Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place.

23. Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a wonderful wit,
but can also sing.'

24. Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it
outside his door. Run like hell.

25. Charm his hair into dreadlocks.

26. Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run.

27. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Potter kid'

28. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid'

29. Offer him tequila.

30. Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him.

31. Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean.

32. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.

33. Transfigure his robes into a Molly-Weasley-esque woollen jumper with a large 'S' on it.

34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.

35. Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape'

36. Ask him what his middle name is.

37. Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students.
Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is
called 'Chuckles'

38. Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin.

39. Talk back in class. With a bad scottish accent.

40. If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the
tune of 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts'

41. If you're a gutsy Gryffindor, draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.

42. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states.
Loudly. (ie: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!')

43. If you're a hard-working Hufflepuff, write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of
good, strong cleansing-potions

44. If you're a feisty Faculty member, flick things at him during dinner at the High Table.

45. When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his
eyes and shout 'Lumos!'

46. Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.

47. Drop vague hints that McGonagall likes him a little more than strictly necessary.

48. Drop vague hints that Filch likes him a little more than strictly necessary.

49. Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention.

50. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT
deserves a detention.

51. Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge.

52. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.

53. Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72,
Severus dear?' or 'Meet me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!'

54. Refer to him as 'Cuddles'

55. Smile at him. All the time.

56. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'

57. Hum 'Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class.

58. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.

59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.

60. Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!'

61. Sneak into his chambers. Put blast-ended-skrewts in his underwear drawer.

62. Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers.

63. Go christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July.

64. Ask him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion.

65. Charm his hair bright orange.

66. Ask him if he wants a massage.

67. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and
Shine Professor!'

68. Find out the passwords to his office and private chambers. Cast a spell to change
them to 'Fluffy White Kittens' and 'Flowers & Lollipops'

69. Drool in your potion.

70. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!'

71. When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his
nose, then twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly.

72. Learn a charm that makes people sprout interesting flowering plants from their
hair. Use your imagination.

73. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is.

74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him.

75. When he next deducts points from you, (and he will) threaten to drop him from 32 storeys.

76. Call him Severus.

77. If you're brave, call him Sev.

78. If you're really brave, call him 'Sevvie-kins'.

79. If you're suicidal, call him 'precious-little-Sevvie-kins'

80. When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.

81. Ask him about his private life and personal hygiene.

82. Present him with a pet baby bunny rabbit every few weeks. Tell him each one is called Minerva.

83. Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around.

84. Send him Valentines in February.

85. Send him Valentines in August.

86. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are
from a certain blonde Slytherin.

87. Offer him sweets. Every chance you get. Insist that he try the green ones.

88. Set his robes on fire.

89. Set your own robes on fire. Insist that he save you.

90. Doodle things on your left arm during his lessons

91. Follow him around singing cheerful Beatles songs until you can sing no more.

92. Find out when his birthday is. Throw a surprise party. Shower him with gold ribbons and pink balloons.

93. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears,
crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!'

94. Transfigure all the buttons down his front into large, pink flowers.

95. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.

96. When he turns his back, imitate anything he just said in a high, squeaky voice.

97. Introduce him to your friends Rickmaniac, Gumlick and Meg...watch the fun that ensues.

98. Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist
that Draco Malfoy did it.

99. Show up drunk.

100. Giggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons.

101. Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it.


Ask for a hamburger, Cry dramatically saying "Did they really have to kill the cow" in a sobbing voice.

Out side of the building, protest that they don't add enough salt on the drinks.

Unleash cockroaches secretly.

Sing a song out loud.

Try to rob the store in a poor manner(where a mask that does not allow you to see, ask people that are not at the counter for money, or at least a trashcan).

Pay for your meal entirely in pennies.

Take your car through the drive-thru in reverse.

Inquire what's in the Secret sauce.

Refuse to give them money until they win at Paper/Rock/Scissors.

Prevent all people from eating until you say a prayer (try and find the longest one).

Threaten to move to Antarctica to strangers who don't treat you nicely.

Ask for a burger that looks more like the pictures.

Go to the play place and tell kids strangers have the best candy sand that parents lie cause they don't want you to have it.

Stand by the garbage and prevent people from throwing it out until they pay the fee.

Order a burger, hold the lettuce, tomatoes, meat, buns, ...

Ask the waiter "Would you like fries with that" when they hand you your meal.

When at a drive-thru, order your meal in sign language.

Dress as Ronald McDonald and advice customers not to eat here.

Things to do at the Beac:h

1. Re-enact the D-Day landings.

2. Build a sandcastle and stand guard next to it, every hour, do the 'changing of the guard' throwing in the occasional "HALT, WHO GOES, THERE?!?!?"

3. Go in to the sea with a lilo and about half an hour later, climb out looking disorientated and say loudly in an Australian accent " CRIKEY COBBER'S, I WAS AT BONZAI BEACH AN HOUR AGO!! MUSTA FALLEN ASLEEP ON ME LILO!!"

4. (An old, but still funny one!) Whilst in the sea, start thrashing about and scream "SHARKS!!!" . Ten minutes later, do it again.

5. (Affective if you're a man). Wear a tight, red swimming costume and run in slow motion in the style of Baywatch, whilst running, flick your hair in an appealing manner.

6. Wear a Penguin costume, climb out the sea puffing and panting, look around and say loudly " OH CRAP! TOOK A WRONG TURNING SOMEWHERE!" go back in to the sea and start swimming away.

7. Bury a hose with water spraying upwards, Tell everyone you dug down to deep and now the beach is sinking.

8. Stagger up the beach in old ripped clothes clutching a matchstick and tell everyone that this is all that is left of your ship.

9. Follow the tide when it leaves and find out where it goes.

10. Practice your ostrich impressions.

11. With some friends, sit in a dinghy wearing German army uniforms, paddle along the shore line and announce" VE TOOK ZE WRONG TURNING, I OPE ZAT VE ARE NOT TOO LATE".

12. with a friend, sing Summer Lovin' in pure Grease style.

13. Dig a hole in the sand and hide in it, when the beach is full, climb out and wearing a prisoners uniform and say "OH, THIS IS'NT MEXICO!!", look back down the hole and say" GO BACK LADS, WE SHOULD HAVE GONE LEFT INSTEAD OF RIGHT!"

14. Have a pebble fight.

15. As the coastguard goes by with his siren on, run along after it happily shouting "ICECREAM MAN! ICECREAM MAN!"

16. Pretend to be a crab, go ahead and nip people.

17. Wear a pirates costume, get someone to dig a hole and say "ARGH ME MATEY'S, WE SHALL BURY THE TREASURE HERE!" and proceed to bury some chocolate coins.

18. Whilst using a pair of binoculars, suddenly shout" IVE FOUND IT!!, ATLANTIS HAS ARISEN!! ISNT IT BEAU......NO HOLD ON, SORRY MY MISTAKE, IT'S THE ISLE OF WHITE, SORRY!"

19. Go around and tell everyone that you have to 'Pay and Display' to use the beach, insist you are the ticket person. Charge a ridiculous amount.

20. Beforehand, place a piece of bloodied meat on the edge of the sea, later go around and ask if anyone has seen your doggie. Say he was playing in the water when you heard someone say SHARKS and you haven't seen him since.

21. Eat sand.

How to Survive a Horror Movie:

1. Firstly, never drink or do drugs and stay a virgin. Boring!

2. Never say that you'll be right back because you won't be.

3. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

4. When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

5. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

6. Big breasts and blonde hair are a death-wish.

7. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

8. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

9. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

10. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

11. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

12. Always check the back seat of your car.

13. If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

14. If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.

15. Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.

16. If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

17. Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.

18. Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.

19. Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.

20. Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.

21. Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.

22. Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

23. Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.

24. Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.

25. If you find Brad Pitt dressed as a vampire, dont forget to forward him my email address! area51newmexico@hotmail.com

26. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

27. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

28. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

29. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

30. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions.

31. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

32. Remember: Showing Skin=Death.

33. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

34. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

35. When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.

36. If you're annoying person that no-body likes and in a crap cheapo horror movie, please make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

37. Never say "Who's there?" Its a death wish.

38.If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back in the sequel and kick ass, no explanation needed

/b>
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