Friday, January 28, 2005

   arrrrrrrrrgggggg
Today was bullshit. My head fucking hurts. My stomach fucking hurts. My cellphone got fucked up and now I can never use it again. My new probation officer is a black bitch (I have had a really bad history with black people). the guy that arrested me was black. She was bitching at me because i got 1 Fail. I now have to go with her every single week on tuesday to do fucking nothing. That fucking black bitch. I also was being fucking cruel to my g/f. arrrrrrrrgggggg I am sooo fucking mad. and it's all my fucking fault. I need to go kill myself now. I will never forgive myself for what I did to my g/f. I promised my therapist I wont cut myself so I will just suicide by Poison. I heard that Toothpaste is a good poison. Well I will find one so no worries. Well goodbye everyone. bye

~SD54 out...for good
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Thursday, January 27, 2005

   Bored and weird
Well I was also bored today. Well I am still starving myself =P.I eat but only 1-2 times a day. so its technically not starving myself. Tommorrow is when I am not gonna eat anything at all. Well Today I saw all the Episodes of Outlaw Star. I bought the collection as well. I forgot how sad it was. There was an Episode about Jim finding Love and his new g/f had 2 kitties. but She was actually a hired gun to kill gene and so she got killed. Jim never found out. It was fucking sad. Well other than that everything else was boring. I still haven't talked to my girl on the phone. I forgot why. I miss her T^T I want to hold her.....sadly I cant....It's an online relationship...cuz i suck. But I still love her with all my heart. I feel in Love with who she is and not her looks. Teenagers nowadays look for looks way before than personality. They say "that chick is hot...I am gonna go try to get with her" I am nothing like that. I am one of the few old fashioned men. I still check out girls but it has nothing to do with my dating preferances. I love a girl for their personality and how they treat me. Many mem only act gentleman like because they want to get in the girl's pants. That is soo disgracing. I am nothing like that. I am a true gentleman It is not a show. I am a gentleman because it is my nature. well that is it everyone talk to you all later ^_^

~SD54
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

   wheeeee
well i seem to be getting happier. Thank you everyone for all the support. Well Today I did nothing. I am still trying to starve myself for fun =P I also went to my punching bag and went pyscho on it =P Well Tommorrow i expect to do nothing XD I have no school and nothing exciting happens because I dont go outside. I want to but there is nothing to do there. Everywhere I go is boredom. So I would choose to go online. Oh! I also watched all the episodes of Cowboy bebop. I have the collection so I just started watching it because I was bored. Oh! and I also have been really Active on OB. I have like 100 posts. I joined in August 2004 and I just barely got to 100 posts. lol. well that is it. I will work on another Poem ASAP. well talk to ya later everyone *waves*

~SD54
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

   hehehe
well today i had problems. i became suicidal again but talking to dolly made it all better. I even asked her to leave me a message on my voicemail *blushes* so I can hear her whenever i feel down. I have heard it about 10 times XD I must be really weird huh? hehehehe I just love her cute voice sooo much ^__________^ well I am happy now. Hopefully it will stay like that ^_^ well talk to you later everyone.

~SD54
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Monday, January 24, 2005

   Critique and Quiztime
Well i need critique on my poem. I posted it up yesterday and i need people to rate it. Please will you rate it? for me?? *puppy dog eyes* well talk to you later everyone ^_^

~Quiztime~

THIS WAY UP á

Alan has fragile contents which may break!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com


XD this is funny!!!!

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Sunday, January 23, 2005

   here it is.
well here is my poem. not as good as i expected but eh?

Eternity

Shall I listen to Eternity?
Following it's rules
Using it's stupid tools'
Not listening to faith
Acting like a mother fucking Saint
Begging for Happyness
Given stress and Sadness
Driven by stupid Illusions
Plagued by Fucking Intrusions


Shall I listen to Eternity?
Filled with the lies of Humanity
Losing all my fucking Sanity
Destroying the weak and feeble
Being truly Evil
Wishing for acceptance
Forced to see remnants
Being loved by no one
Being loathed by everyone

Shall I listen to Eternity?
Dancing with the dead
With a fucking severed head
Being lost and confused
Being used and abused
Reaching the limit
Taking my spirit
Willfully giving up my soul
For the ultimate control

Shall i listen to Eternity?
Given the Dark power
Hatred and Sadness will i shower
Returning the fucking favor
That i will truly savor
Darkness will be my essence
Everyone will cower at my presence
Not wanting this fate
Sadly it is already too late...

Shall I listen to Eternity??

By: Alan

well this poem came out way darker than intended. I wanted a sad poem but instead I made an Evil/Dark poem. lol. ok well i need some helpful critique on it. like give me a rating from 1-10. and be truthful ok?
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   heh
well i feel kinda better....i think. ughhhhhhh well i suck. yup, i suck. I am the worst. -_- fuck i'm down again. lol i'm just a fucking roller coater. well i'm better again. Well i will post another poem soon. but this one will be a good one. I will work hard on it. I will pour my heart out. I will post it up later today. I am gonna sign off now and start working on it.
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Saturday, January 22, 2005

   .............

Very probable to commiting suicide. Might as well
commit it now. Your friends can't stop you. No
one can stop you.


Are You Probable to Commiting Suicide?
brought to you by Quizilla

yes, i will listen to it's advice.
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Friday, January 21, 2005

   sigh....
well my b-day was awesome. i got 3 CD's and 2 DVD's. but today was the problem. *sigh* i dont feel so good. i feel really down today. I want to hear dolly's voice right now. her voice could soothe me. sadly i dont know if she can. I need to remove all hope of talking to her. i need to destroy all my emotions. that is the only way i can stop suffering. That is the only way.........well who knows if i'm gonna stop loving her....it's too hard.........*sigh*....it's too fucking hard to withstand it. My 2 sides are fighting. my good side believes that she does love me but my other side says that she doesn't love me. it's easier for me to believe bad things than good things. my other side is giving me bad thoughts about me breaking up with her. I love her and i will never stop loving her no matter what she does but then i cant be with someone that doesn't love me. i dont know who to believe. its easier for me to believe that she doesn't love me. *sigh*. well i'm gonna go find some way to die now. who knows if i will be alive to post anymore.............*sigh*
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Thursday, January 20, 2005

   Sorry
Sorry about yesterday's post. I was feeling kind of down and i lost faith. Well I am back...i think. well i found out that people who hate are the ones suffering. also people without faith. Faith isn't about believing in a superior being but its about respect. if you dont have respect for god or anything else then you dont have respect towards anything. I was once an Atheist. i believed that god had betrayed me but then i regained my faith. I lose it sometimes but then i get it back...with a little help of course ^_~ Thank you all for your comments. they really helped me a lot ^.^ oh! and today is my b-day. i am not that excited. I dont expect anything good so then it will be easier for me. i have learned to not set your hopes to high so that then you never are dissapointed. well talk to ya later everyone ^_^
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