Wednesday, January 19, 2005

   Why?
Who Am I? i keep asking myself that question. I dont know who i am....I have been an outcast even as i was a child. I have always been anti-social. I never talk...but i do respond. i dont talk to people unless they talk to me. if they talk to me it shows that they are interested in me and so i respond really nice. I think i am nice but i dont know. I have been Evil i have wanted everyone to die. i picture the death of every human being. I want them dead. i want to make them suffer. It is not fair that they make me suffer and i cant do anything. I dont think i want to be evil...but i am. I am one psychotic and fucked up person. I dont know why people even talk to me. i am fucked up. i dont belong in this world. I will never belong in this world. I find it hard to make friends since i can never start conversations. I have 2 personalities and they both always clash. one wants everyone to be happy but then the other wants everyone dead including myself. that is when i get confused thoughts. I get suicidal. I think that i want to make everyone happy by getting rid of myself. I hate everyone because they hate me. I have met the worst of every type of person. I have never met that many good people. The only friend I have is Alex. i have known him since 3rd grade. but sadly he is having family problems. he is gonna come over tommorrow though. I still think i should die. maybe Lil_Angel is right....maybe everyone online is fake. maybe they dont care at all....................................no one cares
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

   CUTE!!!!
well i talked to my g/f again and she was sooooo cute. i just love her cute voice =^.^= her voice always soothes me and guides me toward the light.I feel so loved when i talk with her. she always makes me happy ^_________^ I dont want to ever lose her. I want us to be together forever and we will ^^ well only if i dont kill myself. I would only kill myself if we break up. I love her sooooo much. I cant explain what i feel for her. its unexplainable. I just love her soooooo soooooo much. i have never felt this way about anyone. not even my dad (and i really love my dad) I love her more than anyone. She is my first and only Love ^^

PS: i posted an earlier post about a big fire across the street. i was being kind of evil so that is why i was laughing at the fire.i am soo sorry i dont wanna be evil ;_;
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Monday, January 17, 2005

Poem #2
Illusions

What are Illusions?

Sights that are not real?
or Things that we cannot feel?


Noiseless and Voiceless Anthems?
or Emotions driven by Phantoms?


Feelings That have deceived us?
or Motions that have plauged us?


Death by foreign hands?
or Life given through somber lands?


Sadness that cannot dissapear?
or Happyness that was never near?

The Saviors that will never come?
or The Destroyer who has taken some

What are illusions?

That was another cheap 5 minute poem. well all my poems are cheap.
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   ..............
Well Yesterday Night me and my mom were talking and arguing and i told her that none of my family members didn't care about me. She then started telling me that they all cared about me. she started crying and she was telling me she only lives for me. she only wants what is best for me. I took her advice the wrong way and i considered it critisizing. I feel really bad because i made her cry. We also hugged but it wasn't one of those holiday higs...it was more heartfelt. I noticed that whoever tries to get close to me...I hurt them. I thought all this time i was just hurting myself but no i actually was hurting those around me. I suck.......i'm such a bad person.....I'm such a bad son.......I'm such a bad b/f..........................
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Sunday, January 16, 2005

Poem
Creation

Humans are creatures born to demise
Not following but being lead
Watching through tear filled eyes
Seing not what lies ahead

Wondering what they will never know
Thinking what they will never see
Fearing what they know
Praising what they cannot see

Pitied by no one
Saved by nothing
Destroyed by sin
Confused by Creation

well i just created this poem in 5 minutes. it is not that good cuz my poems suck.


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   Happy
hehehe I am really happy. I Talked to my g/f on the phone today ^^ that really made me happy. whenever I hear her cute voice it makes me sooo happy. It makes me Happy hearing her voice. its funny cuz it cured me. her cute voice cured me. I dont feel sad anymore. Hearing her say she loves me just made me soooo happy. Whenever i always doubt our love but hearing her voice makes me listen to my good side. It makes me accept the happyness. well i may not stay this happy for really really long but it will last me until something bad happens. Dolly has always brought me happyness. her voice soothes me. hearing her makes me my heart beat fast. I am just soooo happy ^^ I should learn to not doubt her. Stupid depression i blame my mom for my depression. she doesn't even believe i am depressed she thinks i am making it up. she is just stupid...she thinks she knows me. she doesn't know squat! well even she cant make me be sad again. I have Dolly and that is all i need ^^

BTW: My G/F's ScreenName is Sakura18
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Saturday, January 15, 2005

   heh
well i have decided not to kill myself because i am needed in this world. I am needed by my g/f and by a few other people but that doesn't change that i still feel down. well on to different matters. My birthday is gonna be in 6 days *shivers* my mom is sooo damm cheap she doesn't wanna buy me a new comp. i'll have to stick to this crappy windows 98 that i have had for 5 years *sigh* ever since my depression started i have never had a good birthday. its more of a family party thing. they wake me up at 6 and sing "las mananitas" and then i open my presents and then we just stay at home doing nothing and then we go to a restaurant at 5-6 PM and then we come home and eat cake. *sigh* we do that for every family member's birthday. I really hate birthdays just like i hate new years and christmas. i hate things where i have to spend time with my family. I hate talking to my family. i just stay in my room in the darkness staying online. I would rather go online than go with them.
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Friday, January 14, 2005

   sigh...........
ughhhhhhhhhh *slams head on key board* dammit dammit DAMMIT!!!!!!!...........ughhhhhhh *sigh* I dont feel so good. i feel real down. my birthday is gonna be in a few days and i am not excited one bit. i knew i was a mistake in this world. i was an accident. my dad is 80 and my mom is 58 and i am gonna be 15. how can they have i have been planned?!?!?! fuck.....i am an accident. i also found out i was born prematurely.........i was born a month before i was supposed to. what a piece of shit.....i dont belong in this world. i need to die. i want to die. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh i am one fucked up bastard......... *sigh* i just want to end it all but i cant. i dont have the courage to kill myself. i will need to find something else i can do to kill myself *sigh* i am an unwanted identity in this world. no one wants me...no one needs me.....*sigh* i always try to help everyone else i have lots and lots of advice but i never seem to take that advice heh i am stubborn. *sigh* well sorry for the long post.............*sigh*
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Thursday, January 13, 2005

   heh
Well they just gave me some Anti-Depression medicine. maybe that is why i feel kind of happy. I still haven't fully gone out of the Darkness. I am still there but now i dont hate everyone as much. i have learned the diference. i used to hate every single human being for making me suffer. I didn't trust anyone. i still dont trust everyone. I only trust a select few people. but i still dont trust anyone fully. I have been deceived too many times. so i rarely trust anyone. i thought everyone was shit so i didn't trust them. my life is pretty good right now but the problem lies in the past. i cant let go of the past because i am afraid that the future might be like my past.
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   Hello
Hello Everyone I am Shugo54. I have abandoned my old site because i was being harrassed on it. geez. well now on to other matters. well i will be editing this site. i want to make it really good. i dont know jack shit about computers. i am a real newbie at this. i just got internet on august and i am still learning new stuff. well i still dont have school until march something. hehehe i see that everyone started school except me hehehe and i am in a public school. well i also changed my AIM sn and AOL identity. i decided to get a fresh start. i have still kept most of my friends ^.^ you might even say Shugo54 is dead. except in OB( i am still working on that). well i am still the same person except i am kinda happier now. i am sooo thankful for my G/F i love her sooooo much. i would do anything for her ^^ well these past few days i have felt really loved and that made me so happy. i love what she is doing and i hope she keeps doing it ^.^ well i am here to help anyone who needs it sooo just PM me if you need help on depression and stuff. i have been through almost everything. i would really love to help but you can only receive it if you ask ^^
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