Friday, March 25, 2005

...................
sorry I haven't posted in a while...I was busy with school and stuff.....school is getting to be more and more hectic.....I am sorry I haven't been to any sites lately...I am sorry....I will try to go on friday,saturday and sunday....................................forget that.......shit.......Fuck............I....I....I....I....just...broke up with dolly.......What the fuck did I just do........What the fuck is happening............................................................
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

o.O
Today I have to run the lap in 1:15 O.O I don't want that....I can't do it that fast...I can do all the exercises but I don't wanna run...whenever I run I have my cough attacks....and when I have my cough attack it gives me nausea and makes me wanna vomit...I really don't like it at all...I will probably barf my lungs out today...well on to other news...I just reawakened my passion for .hack....I just remembered that I know everything about .hack....I just remembered yesterday when I heard this .hack//sign song yesterday...it was beautiful.....I love .hack....that will be my next theme...but I really didn't like .hack//sign..it was good and all but I liked the game music and storyline way better.....hack//sign is really good though...I will try to look for a .hack//infection,mutation,outbreak or quarantine wallpaper...well me go to school now!! bye!
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Monday, March 21, 2005

   Sunday!!
well I was online in the morning...I was bored because dolly wasn't on...I missed her soooo much...I started my homework but I didn't even do anything XD...at 12 my sis came and me and my mom went with her to IHOP...after IHOP I asked her to go to the mall...I needed to buy a DVd...I bought a Rammstein CD and Ikki Tousen DVD ^________^ after the mall we decided to go the The Ring 2....it was ok...I liked it but the first one was way better...well I am doing this fast becuz I have to go to sleep..oh!! I will post my schedule..

Monday-wednesday: Go To School..go online

Thursday: go to school and then go to therapist...only like a 1 hours of online time

Friday: go to school...get home and go online until late at night

Saturday: See TV then go with my best friend to go buy stuff and scare some pityful humans or spend the day talking to dolly online

Sunday: Family time..I usually go see a movie with my sis and my mom and go eat at a restaurant...or go to the mall with them

well that is what I usually do every single week lol me go to sleep now...ZzZzZzZzZz
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Friday, March 18, 2005

   People=Blind
I think people are blind @_@ Why does everyone keep saying i'm cute?? they must be weird or blind or something...I am ugly and fat and retarded and some other stuff...and my Magic Mountain trip was cancelled...some mishap happened at school...well at least I will have some time with dolly ^______^ I haven't had a decent conversation with her since monday...Tuesday I was suicidal and very very depressed....Wednesday I was kinda the same except a bit less emphasis on killing myself...and today (thursday) I am a bit clear headed...I told Julia if she really did want me happy then she would have to try to change....She is like me...very very suicidal exceot I am way more stubborn (according to dolly) and I see that as weird @_@....I can't believe I put dolly through my suicidal days....they must be really hard on her...I am sorry about that....I will vow to never be suicidal again...whenever I am depressed I will just keep thinking of the people I will hurt if I die....I care a lot about Dolly and Julia...but since I know dolly more and fell in love with her first...I lean towards her....I love dolly...I see her as my soul mate...I also love julia but if she keeps up the suicidal things..then I dont think it will work.....I need people to cheer me up...I really suck at cheering people up..I try and try to make julia happy..but it feels like I am trying in vain...it is really hard on me...and since I am the same way with dolly (except I am way more stubborn) I now know what dolly has been through....it sucks...I wonder why she puts up with me? she could have just ended our relationship...it is very confusing..but I am grateful she had patience with me...I dont have nowhere near as much patience as her >.< I am weirder...I get moody a lot...recently I have been getting really pissed easily....well depression is crazy...but it is overcomable...Dolly will help me out of it and I will try to get Julia out of it >.< even though I do a sucky job at it..well that is it..me go do my h/w...byes!
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Thursday, March 17, 2005

   Me good now....
well I am fine right now...I dont know how long it will last though.....well I found a pic of myself!!!!! My friend sent it to me...^_______^ I dont know why I am excited...I am ugly...=\ well here it is....



I am very ugly huh? Well I posted my pic...and I know I am ugly...no wonder I never had a girlfriend b4.....I frighten people with my looks...=\...well anyways...that is all..byes!!!

PS: this pic was taken last semester..so my hair is longer now ^______^ I like my hair now...it is cool!!!
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

   Why
Why is this happening....Why does this dream feel like a nightmare...Why...why must I love 2 women....why must they love me back......Why do they let me get away with this....They both know I love both and yet they tell me nothing is wrong....they say it is no big deal.....I promised myself I would never cheat on someone I truly love....I dont think I cheated but it feels like I did.....Is having 2 women normal??? No!!! I must be some fucker that does not care.....I broke that promise I made to myself....I thought I was Romantic...Caring....kind and loving....I am none of those....No person that cares about someone fall in love with another...I am a fucking disgrace...I dishonored the word Love....I don't deserve both Dolly's and Julia's love..........I deserve death.....I have to die now.....I need to punish myself.....This is a wonderful dream...I love 2 Women and they both love me...they both understand that I love both...they both let me be with both....but why does it feel like a nightmare......I am gonna go die now....goodbye everyone........goodbye...........
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

   ......................
.............DEATH..............
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Sunday, March 13, 2005

   o.O
well today was...emotional and really hard on me...I am really tired....I dont want to talk about it....well on to other news...I reached 400 visits!!! ^_______^

Total Visits 400

Popularity Ranking # 1471 (out of 22,369 active sites)

Guestbook Signatures 71

Wow...I am really proud of myself...I just created this site on January and I already reached 400 visits ^______^ I am really proud of myself...

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Saturday, March 12, 2005

   Wow
Yesterday my mom took away my phone privelages and she called AOL to stop my internet service...she also was trying to take my cell phone away...I did not let her....the whole ordeal happened because I did not want to feed the dogs....I was afraid that another cockroach will be in the dog bowls.....I actually did not yell at her...I was just in my room...being calm....she was the one yelling at me and saying all this shit...I was controlling myself before I made it worse...that actually was the worst case scenerio because she would not let me talk to dolly ;-; she was cutting me off from dolly....I was really sad...I did not want that....so I kept my cell phone in my hand and I did not let her take it....my cell phone was the only way I could contact dolly that is why I did not let her take it.....I was txting dolly while my mom was yelling at me.......then the phone rang and it was my sister....after 2 hours of talking to my sister she calmed down......she said to feed the dogs..she had already brought the plates in...so I just had to put the food in and take it back outside...so when I did that...we came to a deal..she said she brings the plates in and I fput the food in the plates and take it back outside...I accepted....She also made me take some cough medicine...I was hoping I could die...well too bad....so everything is good now...she is not mad anymore.....oh! and like when I woke up (2 hours ago) it's 7:00 and I woke up because of a nightmare.....I usually can control my dreams....but this one....It firsts started off as a regular dream....I was in a mountain and my whole family was in..we were going to someplace....and then the next thing I noticed I was at home and I kept seing this white figure in the corner of my eye...and the next thing I noticed I was sleeping and I woke up to an IM sound...I was to afraid to stand up..when I went to check someone just wrote "Sock" and when I looked behing me...I saw Satan and we had a conversation...he had just taken a soul to hell...he tricked the girl that wanted to go to hell to also take her sisters...and then he started talking to me...He kept scaring me..but over time..I lost my fright of him...he kept saying that god is a pussy because he does not show himself....I lectured him that god may not be real but he is there to guide us...he makes us work for happyness....lazy people are the ones that suffer because they want god to do everything for them...I lectured satan and made him go away...I said god and jesus will guide me and save me from hell....and then the ghost lady that was haunting my dream since it forst started finally shower her face...she was scary and she was trying to scare me...at first I was afraid but then I took the courage to rest her troubled soul....and then I woke up...whenever I sleep I sleep with my face buried under my pillow...I was still afraid but then I got the courage to put half of my face outside of the pillow....I am not scared of the dark...I am scared about someone stabbing me in while I am at my weakest state..when I sleep....when I woke up then I started talking to god....He did not speak but I knew he was listening to me...I told him that I dont praise jesus but I do love him as a brother...after all we are all brother's and sister's...I told him I did not want to die anymore...I told him I wanted to life...for Dolly....I told him I did not want him to take my life...I told him I wanted to live a good life with dolly...and right now my eyes are getting watery...I don't know why....I just remembered dolly...I remember how much I love her....I love dolly with all my heart and I cant bear the fact that if I die she will be all alone...I just now understand how much I mean to her...maybe I was in denial before...maybe I did not want to believe that someone loved me that much....I...I....I love Dolly...with every single fiber in my body....I love her more that words can say......My love for her is undercribable....My love for her will never die out....I may get mad at her...but I will never stop loving her...she will always be in my heart...She is all I want...she is all I need...She is perfect.....I want her to be happy with me...I want to create a life with her....I want to marry her....I....I want to stay together with her..forever........
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Friday, March 11, 2005

Mood Swings
I have been having some really nasty mood swings lately....I go from Normal to Angry and then to depressed and then to emotionless and then to Evil......these mood swings are crazy.I feel bad for dolly who has to put up with them...I also feel bad for all my friends who must endure my mood swings.....Well it's 7:00 and I have to go to cournt in an hour...I am not nervous....I am just bored....I really wanted to sleep more but my mom got cunfused and woke me up at 6:00 when I was supposed to wake up at 7:00.....She had forgotten that my court date was at 8:30 and not 7:30......Well most of the evil thoughts are gone...but they will return and Dolly will have to be ready to make me happy....It is her responsibility and she accepted it..when she accepted to date me....Poor Dolly she has to put up with me...I wonder how she can stand it @_@ well I am glad she can put up with it...if she had given up on me then that will show she doesn't love me...but because she Does put up with me and tries her hardest to cheer me up that shows she does love me...That makes me really happy.....but I dont know how long it will last @_@....I hope she is prepared for the worst.....I hope she is ready to give me lots and lots of attention when I am depressed...^_^....Well you guys will also have to forgive me if I say something that offends you..you know I dont mean it...I would never insult my friends....but if I do..it is because my mood swings are getting me pissed and so therefore I am sorry in advance.....well I g2g take a shjower now.....shit.....well now I am in my emotionless mood.....well heh...MY next mood will probably be depressed...and then evil...and then pissed and if Dolly gives me lots and lots of attention then I might go to my Happy mood...ok me happy now ^_^

to: Dolly
I love you sweetie....and i'm sorry abour our anniversary >.< I apologize fo my mood swings they are crazy.....Well I hope you have a nice day today sweetie...and be prepared for me...I might come back depressed...sorry for putting all this pressure on you >.<..well love you sweetie...


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