Thursday, March 10, 2005

   I dont feel soo good......
I really dont feel sooo good...My head hurts for no apprent reason..maybe it was because I have been sick for like almost 5 months and I have not been to a doctor...I am hoping I might die....blah....My neck also hurts...I was headbanging yesterday and now my head hurts...I am pissed at everyone for no apprent reason....I have been getting easily pissed at everyone for no apparent reason....maybe it's because I hate you or something...I really dont know...my mind is going crazy...I am having mood swings....Evil thoughts are filling my head...they are telling me to break up with dolly (she is the only tie to my good side)...they are telling me to kill everyone...they are telling me to unleash the anti-christ in me....ow...my head hurts...I dont feel soo good....I want to be dead now....can I die now??? I want to die........can In kill myself????? GRRR these thoughts wont leave me alone....well here..I made a poem that expresses how I feel when lestat takes over....Whoever says lestat is not real is a retarded fucker....I am directing thatat EJ...(sorry EJ I am just pissed off at you).....I am mad at EJ because she says that Dolly doesn't act different when she is with them(her best friends)....to me she acts different....and when I am with Alex they say I act different...Everyone acts different when they are with their best friends...I think @_@...well
here is my poem.

I am the Dream Maker
The spirit of evil creator
Lord of endless nightmares
The beast of twilight despairs

My heart belongs to Evil
My thoughts are truly Black
Notting last's forever
and I will soon attack...

I can hear the demons call
from within my Inner Self
I can feel destruction roar
From beyond another world

Fear as I become possesed
To a beast with human detest
Cursed I will roam this earth
I'm reborn by the devil's birth

Shadows in the dark
Beast's to the full moon's bark
Those that evil breed
The son's of Satan's seed

A being of Evil Nature
Son of Death's creator
I am the one you fear
The master of your despair

Raised under satan's spell
Inpired by judgement bells
Now I am at war...
I'll make you Satan's Whore

I am the Anti-Christ
I am the Anti-Life

there that poem explains my Evil side fully....I hope now everyone understands how evil Lestat can be. well I am still confused....tommorrow I have therapy and then friday I go to court and then on Saturday and Sunday I wont be online. I will post but I wont IM people....I dont want to be bothered...but I need help...But I dont want any fuckers to talk to me.....blah......I wanna die =\

EDIT::
Clearing Confusion.....I want to die..but I dont want to kill myself...I want to get killed by someone or something.....I dont really give a fuck anymore.....I was never fit to be around people....I always do something stupid or retarded to make them hate me...blah.....Well from now on I will be not talking to anyone...not even my g/f...I will change my AIM sn so people dont talk to me....I will back away from everyone...I will post but that is all i'm gonna do online.....I wont kill myself...but I will cut again....I think...Today is the first time I cut in a long time....I was just playing around and I cut myself...I had forgotten how good pain felt...I will also starve myself..and some other stuff. :P dont worry...I wont die or anything...well me go to therapy now...



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Wednesday, March 9, 2005

   FUCK!!!!
Today was my turn to feed the dogs and I brought the dog plates in and when I saw in one of them...I saw a fucking big ass cockroach. I yelled "Oh My fucking God" I got freaked out....Cockroaches are my biggest fear!!! they fucking freak the shit out of me....I am even afraid of my keybpard because there might be a bigass s[ider on it.....God....I hate cockroaches....My mom says that god or something was punishing me for doing something. I have done nothing wrong....It is my evil side....God hates me =\ blah....he is hating me again.......He is making me paranoid....I dont have a religion but my mom is forcing catholicism on me...she os saying not to bad mouth god...I didn't do it on purpose it just came out when I saw the big....crunchy...dirty....stinky.....ugly.....Cockroach......I am gonna have a fucking panic attack......Why cant god just kill me now....he loves to see me suffer....that bastard....GRRRRR I am pissed now.....Fuck my good side....Fuck everything that he stands for......Fuck you all......Dammit....Shit...my fucking mood swings.....this is triggering my evil side.....if my mom is saying god is doing this to me..then he is to blame....I have done nothing bad...I have been good lately...just my regular psychotic self....*sigh* Well I have gotten a new style of clothing...before I used to wear like really baggy pants and shirts I pulled my pants up but my pants were really baggy...not ganster baggy but just regular baggy.....but now I wear clothes not too tight or not too loose or baggy.....I look way skinnier..according to my best friend...I am not fat or obese or anything...I am likein the middle of skinny and fat....like regular you might say...I am pretty good looking but I scare the girls away ;-; my reputation as a psycho precedes me...I wish I could start over and act like myself....well too bad...I dont want any modern day chciks...they are too much into looks anyway....Dolly is perfect because she is not into looks and loves me a lot.....well ok I feel better now....Sorry about earlier...I was freaking out...well backk to girls......they dont like me because I am not "hot" and because I act too crazy...if they just got the chance to know me they will like me.....I am a natural born Romanticist....I am really romantic ^_^....well fuck them...their loss...I got the greatest Girlfriend in the world ^__________^ she is awesome....Well sorry I haven't been to yopur sites lately....I have been busy either doing h/w...by doing h/w I mean staring at the paer and not doing any work....and Today my friend came over and we were headbanging to Rammstein and Chimera.....oh!! I remember that onFriday I went to this Japanese bookstore and supermarket...it was awesome..they had sooo many wonderful things....the bookstore was packed with manga....it was everywhere @_@ they also had a little J-Rock section of music...it was awesome!!! in the market it had soo many goodies!! ^________^ well I g2g to bed now...well I am calmer now...the panic attack is gone and the mood swings have stopped...soo sorry about that....I wonder how my friends put up with me? poor Alex,Dolly,Ej,Alayna,Charmin,Vernice and Kimberly...oh!! that reminds me...I am a true outcast...even when I am with my little group of friends I feel like an outcast...I dont like being a loner because people notice you more....I dont like that...I hate almost everyone...I dont fit in with the rappers cuz I hate rap...I sometimes hang out with the punk rockers..but I hate fucking punk rockers they annoy me..I just kick it with them to not seem like a loner...I dont know where any other otaku's are...and even if I did I would not look like them..I dress like a rocker! I dress like a normal metalhead but I am a goth...not an industrial goth though..they arre gay and retarded...so I dont fit in with groups...I am better at 1 to 1....the only one I dont feel like an outcast with is Alex...because he is exactly the same way..he has had a rough life....he is skinnier than me though -.- I will soon get skinnier than him with my starvation diet :P well now I really g2g to sleep...goodbye to everyone and anyone who reads my mindless dribble.
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Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Fast!!
I only got a few minutes..here is overview....first day was fun...I just remembered that I am a true outcast.....I dont fit in anywhere...Ihate people but it stills makes me feel bad about not fitting in. well here are my classes

1 Period: Honor English 9B
PRetty easy and very fun

2 Period: Spanish 1B
Boring Class!!!!

3 Period: Wold History 9B
really cool class!

4 Period: AVID Elective Class
Hardest class!!!

5 Period: Advanced PE 9B
I start dressing for PE on Friday or Monday

6 Period: Algebra 9B
Easiest class ever >.< I had to repeat it...for no reason...I passed it last year!!

ok me gone now!!
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Monday, March 7, 2005

   I am scared!!!!
I finally start school on Monday....It has been 2 1/2 months since I gout out and I am returning....At least I wont be bored. there is a big downside though...I wont be online until 4-4:15 (7-7:15)....i get out at 3:24 (6:24) and the bus takes forever to come..and now that I dont know where my 6th period is...I wont know how long it will take =/ I will try to get home to dolly as fastas possible.....I am actually excited about PE....I really want to exercise...in vacations I exercised but not as much as when I went to PE...I like doing all of the exercises...except running...I hate running >.< I cant wait to exercise...I want to get stronger and skinnier :P I think things are gonna look up from now on.....on friday I go to court!!!! and that is when I end my year probation...oh and on thursday is my 5 month anniversarryb with dolly...but I have to go to fucking therapy so I wont be on ;-;.....I cant believe I will miss our anniversarry....Stupid Alan....how could you!!!! well anyways....I am gonna go get ready...I am sorry for not posting much today =\

To:Dolly
I am sorry sweetie...I wont be on on Thursday....I will make it up to you sweetie...I promise
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Sunday, March 6, 2005

   History Lesson
Well as you might all know....me and Sakura18 are going out...on the night of the new moon shall be our 5 month anniversary...(March 10th)....I had never expected I would fall in love...I viewed everyone the same...I never let anyone get close to me because I knew they would eventually hate me and hurt me...I hated everyone the same...when I first met her I found her very annoying because she was really really perky....I never expected I would fall madly in love with her...I first met her in august 26 or sumthing and then we started talking....it took 2 months for me to realize I had been growing deep feelings for her...I found she was the only one who understood me...who put up with me...who always tried to cheer me up...who never gave up on me....That is when I found out I loved her...I didn't want to fall in love because I didn't want to get hurt....I told her in an E-mail I did not want to talk to her because I did not want to accept the feeling I had for her....but I decided not to and talked to her.....then on sunday that weekend I asked her out...she said Yes...I was really happy....thet was by far the most happiest moment of my life....Over time I started growing stronger and stronger feelings for her. My love For Dolly then surpassed the love I had towards my daughter (my kitty :P) I never really loved anyone...Dolly is my first love and my first girlfriend....I wont be needing any other people in my life ^_^....Dolly is the only person I will ever truly love. She is the only one that can make me happy....Even though we are a really weird couple...She is perky and nice to people...I am Psychotic and very spiteful to people....But that does not change my love for her. My family that what I have for dolly is an infatuation...How the hell can it be an infatuation? I had never loved anyone as much as I have had loved dolly. I rarely/never let anyone get really close to me...Dolly penetrated that barried I had and embraced me..with love >.< I sound weird saying this...I was never like this...Before Dolly I was never happy...I was Sad all the time...I was living in the darkness..she took me out of the light..but I refused it :P I love the darkness...and I wanna stay in the darkness...but each day Dolly helps me get closer and closer to the light...and if she suceeds then My evil side will be no more....I dont want that...I like being Evil :P

Ok!!! that is the end of my history lesson. and right now it is 12:40 and my cat is slepping on my lap..she kept crying in my face and she made me hug her...I love my daughter ^______^ and I keep kissing her nose >.< oh!!! and I got into another band..it is called Rammstein...it is really freaky but good...they are like german rock or something :P

~Quiz Time

Green blood! Angry and mean. You enjoy piss off
people. You have a lot of hate inside you and
you have no chance to let it out. You often
feel alone because no one understands you. You
have the blood of the devil, poor you...


What is your true blood color?
brought to you by Quizilla

I knew it!!! I knew I have the blood of the Devil!!!
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Saturday, March 5, 2005

   New Theme
My new Theme is on Duel Jewel....a J-Rock band my friend got me into >.< It is an awesome band nonetheless......Shun is my favorite...he is the one with Red hair....he looks sooo fucking Awesome :P....oh and I wont be able to go to many sites Today/Tommorrow.....I will be at my mom's work...she babysits these kids...they consider me a big bro...I love them soo much....I dont have any little brothers or sisters so I consider them my lil bro and lil sis :P They love me a lot...I also love them. well on to different matters.....I like hearing J-rock!!!! anyone got a problem? I also love hearing Love Metal!!!! anyone got a problem with that?? I love dolly and will act all luvey duvey with her!!!! anyone got a problem with that??? that's what I though XD
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   SORRY!!!!
sooo sorry about yesterday's post..I just needed to be evil for a while >.< well I never said J-rock was gay or anything....I said that "Love Metal" and "J-Rock" made me feel gay...I dont know why..it made me feel like...gay because being all luvey duvey isn't cool....I think @_@...dont mind me...I am just being crazy....Well I am hearing all the music I like ^_^ I dont need to worry about my image...if Anyone makes fun of me..I just kill them and rip their heart out. If they say nice things to me then I will be nice to them..somewhat :P I change my moods a lot of times....sorry if I offend you....I am usually nice to people who are nice to me....I rarely like people..so if I am nice to you...consider it an honor :P I am really into J-Rock now it is awesome!!! but it still makes me feel wierd..but who the fuck cares..if anyone messes with me then they know bad things will happen to them.
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Friday, March 4, 2005

   Weirdness
hmmm...I seem to be getting into J-Rock....Holy shit...Dammit!!! I feel soo...gay.....ughhhh..I want to go back to my Evil roots....ok! I have decided to go back hearing Black Metal and being Evil....At least when I am evil I feel a false sense of power...Hearing Love Metal and J-rock will corrupt my mind from it's perfect state of chaos,despair,hatred and destruction. I can easily change my expression and mood to fit my enviroment...I am freaky like that..I can all of a sudden go from laughing to my most serious face. Long Live Hell!!!!!! I am going back to where lucifer lay...the first fallen Angel...I am also a fallen angel so he cant be the only one hehehe.


The Dark Angel has risen
The Angel of Destruction and Chaos will now Take control.
Shower the world with Despair

Do not run...just listen
Hear the scream of the lost soul
See the Fallen Angel's Flare

The Gates of Hell shall rise above the Ground
They will Cover the world in Darkness
The Humans shall bow down before the mighty Angel of Destruction and Chaos

Die...Die...Die....SUFFER!!!

I just created that song :P I am a pretty good lyrics writer...I am also pretty good at Black Metal vocals....hehehehe HAHAHAHA

LONG LIVE HELL!!!!!!

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Thursday, March 3, 2005

   Sorry
I am sorry I did not post yesterday...In the morning I went to my mom's work and just watched Napoleon Dynamite at that house...at 12:45 when my mom got out I asked her if we could go to Tower Records so I can buy a CD..so I bought it ^__________^ it's the new HIM CD. it has my new favorite song Buried Alive by Love..I always sing along >.< well then after I bought the CD we we went to Therapy. it was Family Therapy this time...but lately there have not been any problems...except Sunday >.< It's because I am pretty open with my family so I tell them most of the things. So they were doubting Dolly so I kept getting pissed at them...I know theyare looking out for me...but they should let me do things on my own...If I do get hurt then that is too bad...They are just postponing the inevitable...but in this case they are doing it in Vain...Dolly will never hurt me...I know her too well and I know she will never hurt me...and if she does it wont be on purpose. oh! and on other news...me and EJ made up ^_________^ I am sooo happy....and I am finally gewtting out on probation on the 11th...and I start school on the 7th...Things are looking really good ^_^ I hope I dont get suicidal anymore...I will never ever kill myself because I dont want to leave Dolly alone in this wretched and cruel world...I want her to be happy with me ^_^ well I am listening to Buried Alive by Love right now...It's Awesome!!!!
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Tuesday, March 1, 2005

   His Infernal Majesty
Well I have noticed I am really into music....I feel whatever the music is trying to say...I usually hear Black Metal and probably that is what made me Heretic,Anti-Christ and Evil. So I have decided to take a break from all my Black Metal..I have now got into HIM. I bought 2 CD's and 1 DVD. I never thought I would get into HIM....It is a really good band though. my switch is not that great...the lyrics of black metal bands express pure black hatred while Love Metal bands (HIM) express Tainted Love....The difference is not that big but at least I am not being a heretic and anti-christ. I will post the lyrics my favorite songs....



#4
~Death is in Love with Us~
I know it hurts too much
I know that you're scared
I know you're running out of trust
Wishing you were dead
In your misery
You're not alone
So come share your tears with me
And witness it all go wrong
I know it and I feel it
Just as well as you do, Honey
It's not our fault if death's in love with us
It's not our fault if the reaper holds our hearts
41+66.6 = our loss
We're breathing only to fade away
We're running just to get caught
What love's lies blessed
What love's light cursed
Just fear for the best
And hope for our worst
I know it and I feel it
Just as well as you do, Honey
It's not our fault if death's in love with us oh oh
It's not our fault if the reaper holds our hearts
Death's in love with us oh oh
The Reaper holds our hearts oh oh
Death's in love with us oh oh
And the Reaper holds our hearts oh oh
I know it and I feel it
Just as well as you do, Honey
It's not our fault if death's in love with us oh oh
It's not our fault if the reaper holds our hearts



#3
~The Sacrament~
I hear you breathe so far from here
I feel your touch so close and real

And I know my church is not of silver and gold
Its glory lies beyond judgment of souls
The commandments are of consolation and warmth

You know our sacred dream won’t fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

I hear you weep so far from here
I taste your tears like you’re next to me

And I know my weak prayers are not enough to heal
The ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear




#2
~Buried Alive By Love~
Again the burden of losing rests upon my shoulders
And its weight seems unbearable
‘Your tomb is where your heart is’, I should’ve told her
But within me hid a secret so terrible

They say to cry is to know that you’re alive
But my river of tears has run dry
I never wanted to fool you-no
A cold heart is a dead heart
And it feels like I’ve been buried alive by love

If I should die before I wake
Pray no one my soul to take
And if I wake before I die
Rescue me with your smile

The kiss of vanity blessed me with a spiritual murder
And fed the gods of war insatiable
‘Your home is where the dark is’, I should’ve told her
And embraced the fire indestructible

To die is to know that you’re alive
And my river of blood won’t run dry
I never wanted to lose you-no
But a cold heart is a dead heart
And it feels like I’ve been buried alive by love

A cold heart is a dead heart
And a deserted soul is gone
A cold heart is a dead heart
And it feels like I’ve been buried alive by love



#1
~Your Sweet Six Six Six~
There are things you should know
The distance between us seems to grow
But you're holding on strong
Oh how hard it's to let go, oh so hard to let go
I'm waiting for your call and
I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and
I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart
I'm losing my faith in you
You don't want it to be true
But there's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can do -
Yes, I've lost my faith in you
I'm waiting for your call and
I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and
I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart
How long we have to wait
For love is fading so slowly
I know it's too late
Oh my god you're so lonely
I'm waiting for your call and
I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and
I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart
I'm ready for your call and
I'm ready to take your six six six in my heart
I'm longing for your touch and
I welcome your sweet six six six in my heart
In my heart
In my heart
In my heart


Those are my favorite songs...I also have another favorite but I could not find the lyrics to it =\ it is called "Join me in Death" it is the song in my Midi.

PS: My new theme is based on HIm...The wallpaper..The midi and I am working on finding a good Heartagram Avatar....now a question...do you like me when I am like this or when I am evil and stuff?
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