Monday, February 28, 2005

   How Sad..........
I dont think EJ ever valued our relationship....I want to hate but I can't......I love her as a friend....a very very good friend....Dammit!!! I dont like losing friends.....but sadly it is my fate.....I was destined for sadness......I wont kill myself because I deserve all this suffering.....EJ was not one of those close friends...she was more distant...just like me.....She was still a good friend......Why cant I let this go??? She hates me now and there is nothing I can do about it.....ARRRRGGGGGG What the fuck do I do????? The best thing for me to do is run away =\ that will give me plenty of suffering....I will get what I deserve......But then if I do run away I hurt dolly...I dont want that...but I cant go from here unpunished...I deserve sadness...I deserve suffering....I dont deserve Dolly.......I deserve death!! I am just confused....I dont know who I am anymore....Why does EJ view me as Selfish.....I was doing it all for everyone......I create problems....I make people hate me....I am just an uneeded presence in this world.....Dammit!!! what the fuck should I do? I am confused...I dont wanna lose one of my best friends.....I dont have many good friends.....I only had one but then I got 3 really good ones.....one became my girlfriend and one just now became my enemy and the last one she is rarely on...=\.....I am back to having one best friends...I do apprecciate Dolly and I love her very much.....but I cause her too many problems =\............I am still confused!!! can someone please help me.....please..............please...
Comments (8) | Permalink

Sunday, February 27, 2005

blah!
Well on Saturday I went to universal Studios with my 2 cousins who came down from San Francisco. Theyare cool but they fight a bit oo much. well I went on al the rides at universal studios with some kids that the took with them. theyare around my age and they are cool. at first I hated them because I hate everyone I dont know. but then I got used to them and started liking them. well after we got out of the theme park I went to hot Topic...and I found this awesome cross and a HIM DVD and I also bought a Metal for the masses CD. It is soo cool!! I now have to find a good chain that goes with my cross and I have to tie it upside down. I think I am satanic and anti-christ o.O this proves that I do have a Evil personality. How can someone who hates god and jesus love someone...I think that is absurd. I now know that Lestat is real. My good side loves and embraces god (but not jesus) My good side lives by a Religion I created.well it's not a religion it's just a new way of believing in stuff. My religion bases itself on Nature and Animals. It also has reincarnation. The main philosophy behing it is that" Every action has a positive and negative Effect" so basically everything you do is good and bad. I have 5 Animal Deities and 2 gods/goddese's.the sun god and the moon godess. my religion (which has no name) is a mix of everything I have liked about religions. It's my own way of thinking. each religion has it's flaws and good points so i decided to make one that I will like to follow. Since I dont wanna believe in a Savior so then I created one with everything I like. well that is my good side's religion/philosophy. Lestat loves Evil stuff. My Lestat is satanic and is against christ. I knew lestat was real!! or maybe he is not and I am the one that actually hates god and jesus.....I dont know anymore.....I am really confused.....one of my best friends now hates me and my sister keeps mocking me and pushing me.......this is just too much for me to handle. recently I have been getting mad easier.....I find everyone annoying now....my best friend was just over and I got annoyed of him.....What the fuck is wrong with me....Why is this happening......I dont want to lose anymore friends. I will try my best to calm down....maybe that will help.....God and Jesus both hate me....they pretend to love you but then the bring you suffering and pain. No wonder I lost faith in them....But I still love god even though he hates me..........I dont know what I am saying now....I am getting annoyed by my own dad....he is 80 but I seem to find him annoying........I shall go calm down and hear some HIM that might calm me down....whenever I think of dolly it makes me happy and calms me down.....but I am srill confused....well I am planning to run away soon but I might not do it...I love dolly too much...I only live for her.........without her then this life wont be worth living......well anyways...byes!!! me tired and irritable.
Comments (1) | Permalink

Friday, February 25, 2005

   Pondering
hmmm I still cant get over the fact I lost a good friend. well she is now my enemy. well this is what she called me "You self concieded prick." and then she gets mad when I call her a "little poser Emo bitch"....she shared her view on me and I did the same for her. she said that in a E-mail. that is where I noticed that she not just was mad at me...she hated me. here is where I found out "You think that I care if you runaway? Huh? I
looked at you as a friend"..she said that....""Oh but Lestat is evil and he takes over and blah blah blah" You
know what...LASTAT ISN'T EVEN REAL YOU MORON! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT, "......that is where I got my Lestat is not real idea. here is another quote..."You're not hurting the people around you,
You're only hurting yourself...Get it?" I think this is stupid...If I was just hurting myself then why would anyone care if I run away or go kill myself according to her I can do whatever I want and I will be hurting myself. those are a few hurtful things she said in that E-mail....What had I done to deserve that?.........I was just worried and then she just goes and calls me names....that is when I noticed she hated me....well she can go fuck herself. In her site she said I backstabbed her...What the fuck??? she is the one that backstabbed me...she is the one that hurt me.....well I dont care anymore...she is my enemy now....that little poser doesn't know shit....that little Emo bitch should just go kill herself. No one needs her.....That stupid little Emo Poser bitch.................I fucking hate her............



In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)


What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla

nice quiz...it is very accurate.....but one thing...I dont cry.....I rarely cry and when I do It is very hard for me. I have to force my tears out. I dont cry on my own...I cry when I force it out....weird huh?
Comments (9) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

   Wow
I just found out EJ is not just mad at me..she hates me. *sigh* I lost another good friend. Ok now I am back to only having 1 best friend. Well another person that is my enemy. how sad....well anyways at least now I wont be able to hold back my insults. oh! and I also found out lestat is not real. I created hbim so there could be an answer to my evil actions. With my friends I act all kind and caring but then when I see people I dont know..I start hating them. I want to kill them...I want to see them suffer. another personality sounded like a good answer but now I know I am just Evil. how sad...I still cant get over the fact I lost a really really good friend. I was never meant to have friends. I keep telling everyone that. well I decided to not run away and be weak...I shall just accept my fate. I shall accept the fact that I am hated.....hehehehe I love being hated because when I am hated I stop being nice. I still kinda do believe lestat is real but maybe he isn't maybe I am just Evil. Well anyways I am glad I lost a good friend. That emo bitch was annoying as hell. I dont care what I say anymore. She hates me and so I dont care anymore. I hate her too. I will now add her to my enemies list. that bitch should go to hell. I fucking hate her hehehehe that poser can go to hell for all I care. I actually want her dead. I dont blame her for hating me..I deserve it...but as she will soon find out...my enemies dont get any mercy. That little poser Emo bitch will get my full hatred hehehehe....I just needed a reason to release my hatred again. Being nice gets you nowhere. when I am nice I make problems..when I am Evil i solve them. this is the true me.....I told everyone I was evil. they never believed me because they were on my friend list. my enemies list is long and only they know how evil I can truly be. I am a fallen angel.......hehehehehahahahaha
Comments (7) | Permalink

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

   GRRRR
I think my Friend EJ is mad at me. well I was gonna run away because of a problem I created. I dont want to discuss it here. but anyways EJ got mad at me because I am the one that pushed her into doing what she did. Dolly is supposed to be mad at EJ and Me but instead EJ is mad at both of us. I dont see any logic in that. I hate it when my friends are mad at me. I dont care if other people are mad at me but I do care when really good friends are mad at me. it feels awful. well I decided to not talk to her. I blocked her from my AIM list and I ignore her on my YIM list. She can stay mad all she wants. I frankly dont care anymore. I know it is my fault but what the fuck can I do? Everything I fucking do is bad. If I run away that is bad if I stay that is bad (because i create problems). What the fuck can I do then???? this is fucking bullshit. I dont know what to do anymore. I still want to run away. I have decided to not kill myself or cut myself anymore. I will just run away soon. I cant hold on for longer. everything is piling up. everyone is getting mad at me. everyone is telling me to not go. I just want to not care...but I do care and that is the problem. that is Why I dont like my good side. My evil side does not care and he is way stronger. Lestat can easily beat Alan. that is why6 I like turning evil. but the thing is I can never be truly evil around people that are kind to me. the only time Lestat comes out full force is when I am really pissed and people are provoking me. That is the only time I cant control him. whenever I bring him out is because I want to bring him out and therefore he is being controlled by me. *sigh* I dont want this anymore. Why cant I be normal? Why cant I please people? What the fuck does everyone want from me? *sigh* I shall have to wait for another ooportune moment to run away. I hope it is soon.
Comments (7) | Permalink

Monday, February 21, 2005

   beep!!
well yesterday My friend came over and we went to go buy some CD's. I bought the last CD to finish my "Old Man's Child" collection. I now own all the Old Man's Child CD's. They are pure black metal. they are my favorite band of all time. I also bough a CD from a band called "Endless Dismal Moan" that is japanese Black metal. it was awesome. there were no lyrics though it was just black metal screams. the main singer looks awesome. He looks like the lady from the grudge mixed together with a goth. he looks awesome! and me and my friend were playing with the umbrella we had. we were using it as a katana. we never even opened it because we like the rain. I was really soaked yesterday. It was awesome. I love the rain. but what I dont like is my mom yelling at me for jumping in puddles (yes, I still jump in puddles) Well right now me and my friend are playing sonic Adventure 2..he is suck a newbie. lol...Well right now I miss dolly. I really miss her a lot. when I went to go buy the CD's I also went and looked at HIM CD's. I dont know why I like Love Metal I am more into Black metal. Lestat is more like Black Metal and I am more Love metal....I am talking about out personalities. I like black metal and he hates everything. well anyways i'll go hear some Eternal Dismal Moan *headbangs* YEA!!!!!! *does a black metal scream*
Comments (3) | Permalink

Sunday, February 20, 2005

   CRAP!!!!
well I decided to not run away........Sakura18(Dolly) talked me out of it...but she isn't the only one that talked me out of it. Yukina123(Hana) also helped me a lot too. I would like to thank those 2 lovely women. without their help I would have run away for sure. Well I also found out 2 great midi's

Alan's Theme:http://homepage.ntlworld.com/curly.johnson/music/darkangel.mid

Lestat's Theme:http://homepage.ntlworld.com/curly.johnson/music/hades.mid

those midi's are perfect for me. I also like the one I have up right now. Well I hope you guys like my midi's :P oh and Thank you Hana and Dolly for all the guidance...Thank you sooo much.
Comments (9) | Permalink

   My Last post
Well this is my last post. I have decided to go away....I will not kill or myself or will I cut myself. I have decided to run away. I have everything ready...I am just waiting until 5:40 to leave....it is 12:30 and I cant sleep.....soo many problems that I have created....and the bad part is that there is nothing I can do to make it better...so I decided to run away from home and dissapear. I want everyone to forget I even existed...that will make it better. I have always created problems everyhwre I go...If I dissapear then maybe so will the problems. well me and dolly are broken up...because of me. lol I told everyone I make trouble....Well goodbye everyone. thanks for everything.

~Alan
Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, February 19, 2005

   booo
Well I dont know what to say anymore...I cut myself and I try to die.....that is all about it. I am sooo bored and depressed. well me and Dolly almost broke up because of me ;-; I dont want to get into the details. Crap...I am sooo boring huh. Well I learned to control lestat and my anger. My therapist taught me how to rip paper to relieve anger....It was wonderful :P I dont need to let lestat out anymore. I can control my anger :P but when I do cuss I dont mean it to offend any of my friends...I just have to blow off some steam. so I apologize for everything lestat said ^_^ Well now that I can control my anger there will be no fear of lestat killing everyone (unless people provoke me and then if that is the case...I will rip them to shreds) well Now that anger is out of the way...I just have to fuguire out the best way to die....oh and to cut myself more :P
Comments (5) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

   blarg
Alan:Hello everyone....I dont feel soo good because I was cutting myself yesterday...and I decided to die in 4 months :P

Lestat:just as long as you let me kill some people

Alan:fine fine but you can only kill people that dont like me or like you better..understand

Lestat:fine you fucker

Alan:now to seperate the people who like me better to the people that like you better

Lestat:I really dont give a fuck I hate all you fuckers.

Alan:fine...ok now it is time to vote on who you like better :P

Lestat:all you fuckers better vote for me you pieces of dckshits!!!!

Alan:You have to let them choose Lestat

Lestat:I frankly dont care I hate them all...I just wanna slith their throats.

Alan:I know..I know....but if you fucking hurt Dolly I will fucking....I dont know what I can do

Lestat:you cant do shit you little piece of shit. I can kill whoever I want

Alan:I can control you :P I can let you out whenever I want

Lestat:but when I come out on my own you will have no control over me

Alan:that is only if people push me too far

Lestat:I will come out then and kill everyone

Alan: Fine then.....I am actually too tired to try to stop you

Lestat: so can I take over...you know you want power and only I can give you that power.

Alan: being nice is too overrated that is why I let you take over....If I am nice people make fun of me more but if I let you out people fear me and I like that

Lestat: hehehe hahahaha I will take over now....Ok you fuckers will now suffer my wrath.

Alan: make them take the quiz!

Lestat: fine then..as long as you let me take control for today.

Alan: yes yes

Lestat: ok...you fuckers will have to take a quiz on who you like better me or alan. You fuckers better chose right or else......


Lestat or Alan?


Comments (6) | Permalink