Friday, June 9, 2006

   ...."just a tormented soul whos horrible."..or just a piece of mind? you tell me.
ok heres something i would like to adress today cause it seems to fit the moment.
At my old school I did not have one single true freind at all. Ok? Emilee Jessca b Jessica h. Clint and zoe...none ok the only friend I might consider real friends from there would be Nick and lisa. When I had moved to walland to get away from all the drama I didn't want to have to deal with, they threw a small party with a banner and a list...now This is immature and down right ignorant. everyone of them signed it. I had said I forgave them but I remembered something else my boyfriend dated me and his Ex at the same time...how did this happen? you may be asking...I'll fucking tell you what happened. His ex girlfriend called me saying my maturity was just an act i was pretending and that she wasnt going to let him go. Well She then had the audacity to ask "can we share him?" I never said yes if anything I said no. I go to school the next day and find out he's going out with both of us. That is a cut that will take many fucking years to heal.
here's some other things he has done. Sometime in fall he told me over the phone he didnt know what it was but he always will go back to his ex, thats another cut. Valentines day, He sent me 2 things I was going to tell him thank you, I got ahold of him and he said he couldnt talk. I asked why he said his ex was over, theres a slap in the face. THEN JUST last night he tells me I remind him of his ex. That was the last straw he had promised he wouldnt hurt me gaina last night he broke that promise. I hung up on him then 4 hours later I called back and broke up with him. I told him if he finds proof that he really loves me then I'll rethink what I have done, but until then he needs to look. now Everyone from my old school tells me I'm a horrible person a creature that shouldnt exist ect. well let me say something ok my mom has MS she is slowly dying...It breaks me everyday I look at her I have nightmares I can't sleep I wont sleep. I'm trying to help keep her alive cause she wont take her meds unless you make her. I have taken up things I wouldnt normally do I drink more than I use to I smoke whatever I can get my hands on I don't have a preference, I get high when I can to try and ease the pain a bit. Not to long ago I was at sandras house tasha came to me crying, I asked what was wrong she told me her mom kicked her out she had nowhere to go. I asked her to come with me, I asked my mom if she could stay with us, my mom siad yes as long as she goes by the same rules I do (and yes my mom knows we smoke) then everything fine. I go with tasha all the time to her house with her to make sure her mom doesnt hit her and I know that if her mom does hither in front of me I'm calling th cops with out a second thought in my head. Now you tell me, if I was truly horrible then why would I go out of my way to help someone?
billy, I do still love you but you have to find the proof that you love me too, only then will I'll undo everything. I forgive but I do not forget.
kat
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