Saturday, April 9, 2005

Ara, ara…
I made everyone worried, I have to tell myself this not a diary or something like that, I have to learn to restrain this things to myself, gomen…
It looks unreal, something taken from a movie or anime? Yeah my life sometimes looks like that, but unfortenaly doesn’t end happy like most movies…
I did encounter someone that in the past hurt me deep, I tried to forget and I thought I forgot, but guess I was wrong… >___>
It was so awkward to see him again, after all this years, we talk but I will not write what we talked, because it’s to emotional and kind of melodramatic ^^’’
I think I need to give an explanation after making you all worried with me, (which I really thank you, and appreciate*hugs*).
This guy was my very first and true love I ever had, sure I had other boyfriends and such, but this was a true feeling, we knew each other in kindergarten, I was so afraid and crying a lot when my mother left me there on the first day, i thought my mother left me there for good, although she kept saying that it was just for a few hours (mind you my mom always stayed at home when I was little, but after my little sister was born, she had to work, since we need more money), so i kept crying all the time, and hide myself in a corner, all day long, until a little boy came closer and start talking to me, swept my tears away and share some of his toys with me, he was the first friend I made, awwww I remember that day, like it was yesterday *nostalgic*
So you imagine what happened next, we begun to be friends, then best friends and was always together, he was such a sweet guy and my best friend and cute too ^^….
So the years passed by and we stick together, in the bad and good times…until one day it was time to say goodbye since it was our last year we were going to be in that school, so in the last day I was crying so hard, (I always hate goodbyes), sweet as he was he said that we we’re going to be together always, so we made a promise, when we were old enough, we were going to do whatever we could to be together again, and then get married and have lots of sons, a promise made by a child, yes it looks silly but back then I really believe it, since he looks so serious…
Two years past after that moment and we were apart, in that time I tried to find him, but never did, so I kept that promise in my hearth, after two years we finally were in the same school, I was so happy when I saw him, I run to him and hug him like the old times, but he was different, he was cold, and he barely gave me a smile. I thought maybe he was embarrassed the way I act, so I kept still, we talk but it was like talking to stranger, he was so cold…
So we saw each other more times, but what he said two years ago couldn’t stop popping in my mind, so in our long and usual silent’s I asked him if he remind what he said in the last day two years ago, but he didn’t, so I told him everything the promise, but he kept still not talking at all, until he suddenly interrupt me and with despise in his eyes he said that it was a stupid promise made by a child, that I was foolish to even believe in that in my age, and we could never be together because he was rich and I was poor, and things like that, he kept talking, insulting me, yelling at me, he made me feel the worst person in the world, my heart was so hurt, I just kept hearing that and tears kept falling off my face, the boy I meet two years ago died, at least for me because that was not the boy I trust and loved, so when he finished, I talked back I told him what I felt about him, and told that back then the boy I meet never cared about money, if he was rich or if I was poor, that boy loved me for who I was and not my social stature, but now I realized that he was dead, that the guy were standing in my front was a complete stranger.
From that day on, the love I felt begun hatred, then pity, then nothing….so now after all this years he come back and got the courage to even look at me, the feeling the memories came back, I felt hopeless,tThe guy that used to make me feel the most special person in the world, made me feel now the worst once again....

Maybe I never deal with what I felt before, like I never confront myself with what I was feeling, and why everything ended that way, I just wanted to forget, to put in the past, to live better with myself, because it was to painful to even think about it….and well, like my grandmother used to say: ”If you don’t confront what you have in your way now, and you run from it, the past will hunt you down, someday, more aggressive and comes when you last expect!”

I know all this sounds silly especially the promise and it was not necessary for me to tell you this, so it was my choice to tell you, because I thought I should tell you this, maybe it’s away to finally confront what happened, my way to finally understand why this still hurts so deep…

Anyway it’s a good way also for you to know me better ^^ *lol*, but don’t worry, I am fine now, life is this way, so maybe I needed to finally put an end on this for good, I guess…

I’m so sorry if I made you all worried with this, it was a stupid thing to put that up, I know is my site, but something’s should not be talked here…

Gomen also for my long post ^^’

all!!*hugs each of you tight*
Shadowlight...
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