Saturday, October 6, 2007

I fail..everyone

I failed Lauren I failed my dad I failed my mom and my sister. I failed cassie and megan. I failed steph.. I failed my family and I failed who'd ever you'd call god.

People ask me why i think im so terrible and heres the answer; Everytime i look at my family and what we are and what we used to be, i realize how much i messed up and every opritunity i had to fix it i passed up. I dont care for the rigt reasons.

Oh god I can feel it dying. Im trying so hard to keep it together, im trying so hard to let you know that forever means forever. I'm so afraid one day you'll wake up and you wont have any sympathy left for me and then i'll just be part of the past a part you dont want to remember.

I dont want to remember my self. i want to slip away without actually doing so.

I dont even bother to call anymore because i know you wont pick up the phone.

thats the way it'll always be and that's just what i have to except. until i can find another lie to cover it up.

but please, just tell me that once it was true for one second, that would do. tell me forever meant for always and you had no doubts about that.

Im so afraid to leave you because im afraid we wont find eachother again

-jenny
Comments (5) | Permalink

Friday, October 5, 2007

Time: 10:57PM
Listening To: Never let this go/Pressure: Paramore

*sigh*

Still sick...I kept losing my voice on and off threw out the day. I really only say random things outloud anyways. I kept thinking about the movie speak. How can i speak when i dont have the words to say? ...meh something like that. That movie depressed me but i love it.

When I went to the hospital half way there i realized i didnt have my cell phone. now, i've only had it for 2 months but i've never ever left the house without it. not because i talk to people but because i guess i feel like i need it. Its almost like...a constant reminder of how it used to be. So i went to the pond again and read a book. yeah i finished a whole book. I get so distracted so easily sometimes. mostly because of my connection to other people. So..Im thinking about asking to go with my Grandma to Arkansas for.....a month. Just because I need to get away...All though this is up to a certain person, and...im still not all that sure on it myself. Its kind of sad...I just want to walk away and pretend like it NEVER happened but I cant. Because as hard as i try its always right there in the front of my mind.

Nikky's coming over on Saturday...she might sleep over. we'll probablly hang upstairs. Shes a little sad and I want to try and cheer her up a little bit. Cheering people up makes me happy..

god...i want to throw my phone at the wall. i wanna live inside the storys i read. at least i'd know how it ends and it really wouldnt be my problems. Im a coward. I always have been im just not as naive as i used to be.

-jenny

[well what do you know i cant even cry properly with this fucked up cold...]
Comments (7) | Permalink

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Blah...I'm sick. I've got a head cold or whatever the heck you'd call it. My throat hurts, my head hurts and i keep sneezing...everytime i sneeze i feel like im gunna pass out XD my god I complain a lot. Eh...what ever the case i have a hard enough time as it is reading the tiny print in my history book. The headaches not helping. Blah blood.

I had some really messed up dreams last night...they kind of put me in a bad mood all day long. I seem to always die in my dreams, or be close to it. Or something else bad occurs...I dont even want to bring it up. I used to have good dreams..

Hm, I think i'll go now...Im gunna sleep or watch lord of the rings...or..something.

-jenny

[edit: Hah, I so totally lost my voice now XD My voice sucks anyways..]
Comments (5) | Permalink

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Mwahaha, Like the new theme? I know your eyes are popping out of your head since its the first time I've done a anime theme...in...well FOREVER. and i even have the opening from loveless as my song! I love that song though so its expected. It toke me a long time to get this theme up i had to dust off my HTML skills...I'm glad I can actually still do something i used to be able to do, unlike some...other things.

Yayyyy I made my mom get an appointment with the health insurance company people so we can get our insurance back so I can finally get my braces that i need. -_- -strikes off list of everything thats wrong with my appearance- 1 down....100 more to go? -sigh- it never ends. Is it just me or am i sounding like the adult here?

It may be the pain killers for my hand but i am feeling a little happy today.. when i was at the VA hospital it was really windy and cold outside so i layed by the pond there and stared up at the clouds and thought...which brought me to thinking, so i texted lauren.. She texted me back later on =] so i guess thats good. I shouldn't be afraid to contact her like i am....

ooh, I never mentioned what it is I'm going as for halloween [no, i am not to OLD to go trick or treating] I'm going as a vampire XD a vampire with red black and white hair that is. I'm going with April too. I love that kid so much XD Stefani and April will be back from West Virginia in a week now! I cant wait...my life is more boring without them here XD Ah yeah. I also am working at monster mash at my old school someday in October. Oh! and I'm helping paint my Grammas garage so I'll be getting some money for that. I've been broke for the longest time.. My cousins birthday party is coming up too at chuck E cheese's [hes turning 5] oh how i never grow out of that place XD

Yeah...I think i rambled enough so I'm off to bed now. Seee yaaa.

-jenny

Comments (3) | Permalink

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Post
October 2nd

I've been thinking a lot lately...about, well just about everything. I've changed so much in the past year. Everyone i know has changed in the past year, and that puts me to this...wondering about why we have to change. Theres a conversation somewhere that i had, with her... We've changed. We both have. theres no denying that. I love her. I love her more then words can explain. I miss the old us too though. Even when we weren't 'together' she was everything to me and I'd like to say i was everything to her, and god...i hope its true. I feel so horrible sometimes....for every little thing I've put her threw. we've been to hell and back and a majority of that...well all of it is pretty much my fault. Hah....i don't even care if this isn't real, I don't care if this is a figment of my imagination because for once in my life there's someone in my life, i want to live for. but i want more, i want the things we dream about. And yet...why do i do these things that screw up everything we could have? Deep down inside I'm scared to death of rejection. My words...they've always been my strength but I'm weak, in every other way, and even my words...they're starting to not be enough. Why is life so different in my eyes? why is education so important when love is something that can last a lifetime?

Poem time.

[a/n: i wrote this yesterday, as you can see my poetry has gotten suckier.]

Falling

Dont sing this for me,
I promise you I'm not worth it.
All this built up tension?
Oh honey it's all for you.
because every
'i love you'
ends with me biting my tongue
because the blood-
it feels more real then our words.
I thrive for your attention
oh of course I do
who wouldn't?
I wish it wasn't impossible to touch you
Impossible;
to show you how much this really means to me.
Because.. after all...
the harder i fall
the deeper I'm in.

-------------

I punched the wall today....[long story as to why] but my hand hurts...it's not broken because obviously i wouldn't be able to type but...it hurts. -_- I'm always hurting something aren't I? I should rephrase that. I'm always hurting someone/something arent I?

-jenny


Comments (7) | Permalink

Monday, October 1, 2007

Post
October 1st

Wow, I'm glad September is over. September was officially one of the worst months of my life. but, I'm not dwelling on the past and I'm moving forward and hoping everything is going to get better, but before i do that at the end of my post I'm going to post two poems i wrote a while ago that i digged out of my word pad. I have an account on allpoetry.com and i had got some pretty great comments on them on there so i wanted to see what you guys think. Maybe...I'll start posting my poetry more often...

uhh...lets see. today I'm going to the mall =D not to buy anything though since I'm broke....just to walk around which is what i usually do at the mall....and stalk josh [the guy that works at hot topic] i don't know if he has the day shift though....dammmmn. I'm such a stalker. i almost got expelled for my stalker habits. haha. ah i miss those days. Hmmm. I have a bump on my head that's been there my whole life and i really have no clue Why its there and its never hurt before but as of yesterday its been bothering the heck out of me, i cant even touch it, it hurts like hell, and since i have a habit of fucking with my hair i always hit it. -_- I'm hopeless.

Oh yeah, my moms not pregnant, and i wont get into details of HOW i know that... I'm sure you get it >_>

Anyways here's the poems i promised, I hope you guys like them...

Ignorant
I ignored the signs
Ignored the warnings
Ignored the pleas,
the reaching out
the days left me unattached
of what it was we're meant to be.
I don't think you understood me when i said
'without this I would die'
then all the lies rounded us off
put us back to where we started
not knowing one another.
but I cant say no to you.
you should know that by now.
i cant ignore the way I feel.
and you cant help but feel sorry for me

And the second one is from like...2 years ago so that explains how crappy it is. It's pretty self explanatory as well.

Meant to Be
Screaming, anger.
Crashing Sounds. Fade inside my dreams.
Daddy, I know you didn¡¯t want me,
but please make mommy stay
It¡¯s not her fault we act like this
I promise I¡¯ll try to change.
Mommy make daddy stop yelling
tell him you love him and make everything okay.
This isn¡¯t how family¡¯s are supposed to be
why can¡¯t you see?
We¡¯re hurting and we¡¯re broken.
Never going to be whole.

The pictures from before me,
you all look so happy
was it really me that made such a mess of all these things?
I didn¡¯t mean to cause pain, or despair..
I didn¡¯t ask to come to be..
Mommy, I¡¯m part of you.
Do you really hate me so?
I¡¯ll try harder to be better
and make you feel proud
of the daughter that stands before you.
With a heart full of ache.
I¡¯ll hide it all to see your smile and fix this broken home.
Daddy, please don¡¯t hate me for loving you.
I know I'm not the boy you wish that I would be.
But maybe deep inside of me..
There¡¯s more then you can see.
Just hold me tight in your arms.
So I don¡¯t fade into this broken home.
--
So, like i said they're nothing important but i felt like posting them....i hope they're not to horrible.

Mm have a great day guys ^_^

¢¾jenny
Comments (4) | Permalink

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Post:Sunday September 30th

-_-" I dont feel like going to the hospital today. I dont feel like doing anything. I couldnt sleep last night so of course my mind was wondering and thats never a good thing. I'm getting weaker.

"Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best
You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

I love mayday parade if you want to listen to that song it's in my playlist called "miserable at best"

my one hamster is dying. the stupid cat got in my room and toke the mommy hamster right out of the cage. I went in there and heard it squeaking and the cat was bating her around with her paw. -_- I dont think it's going to make it...Its sitting in the corner of the cage and it's baby keeps cuddling with it and trying to get her up to play. Its sad...I love my animal's and i'll cry if mommy hamster dies..T_T

I feel like writing....but i dont have time, damn it.

-jenny
Comments (3) | Permalink

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Post

I wish it was summer again really, minus the hot weather i wish it was summer with snow and all the lovely cold weather. I hate school and I dont even go to school. I chose to stay in this home schooling thing, because well for one im pitiful. Im scared of the real world and im scared of leaving behind...what i have here so i wont. My education should mean something to me but sadly i dont really even care anymore.

Im exsisting. Im sitting here breathing, feeling everything but im not actually living. There's a part of me thats missing. I need to complete someone. we have the pieces and yet we cant do it. so we suffer exsisting but not living. Going on everyday but not actually realizing what life is actually about. How can I change that? 878 miles. Thats the biggest number in the world to me. Im so selfish.

Today wasnt as horrible as im making it sound actually. I just feel like i cant do it anymore, i cant say the right words to make everything alright.

*sigh* my iPod's done charging so im going to go to bed with jersey on repeat..I'll visit sites later today, sorry i didnt get to many yesterday...T.T

--jenny
Comments (2) | Permalink

Friday, September 28, 2007

post

Ughh. I wonder if missing a person so much can actually make you physically sick.

whatever the case i feel like crap. and i just feel like complaining about it. My head hurts. My eyes hurt and my heart is killing me. [oh god the truth in that]

Did i ever mention that my mom might be pregnant? I talked her into naming the child Patrick if it's a boy. but since its pretty much impossible for my mom to have a boy...I dont think it will be. I'm still on the border lines of weather or not im happy about the possibility of a new baby.

it's 11:35 and on a normal day id wait for my mom to stop drinking and go to sleep but im about ready to pass out so i think i'll end this and crash on the couch cuz im to lazy and sick to walk to my room. oh boy i feel useless.

-jenny


Comments (3) | Permalink

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Post

I was in a mental hospital for the first time yesterday, we went to see my dad he's in the mental ward of the hospital. He's not allowed to have shoe lace's or anything XD what surprised me was he actually hugged me. My face was seriously like this -->O_O Which resulted in me crying, like a wuss... but i guess my dad's going to be in the hospital for two to three months. Which is good but i hope he's home by Christmas, I kind of miss him..

I wanted to go register at an actual school today...BUT, when i woke up this morning my mom told me if i where to go back to school the Internet would be disconnected. So what choice do i have? I have to chose over my education or my internet, which as lame as it sounds is my life. I have to chose my education over my friends...and lauren..She'd tell me to chose my education, i think... but i can't. I miss her, and i wish i knew if she missed me too. it wouldn't be so hard if i knew. As much as i tell myself and other's that it's not big deal anymore it is. It's a very big deal. I cant stand re-reading everything we've said to each other and yet i keep doing it. every single day. maybe I'm crossing the lines of obsession, maybe i need to be locked in a mental ward my self. but i don't want to die, i just want to know...

Some priest guy is going to try to get me a job... and i may take up babysitting. I really need to focus on school though, since I'm not getting anywhere with it.

I have to go to the hospital now I'll comment sites when i get back home. See ya guys.

-jenny
Comments (11) | Permalink