Monday, September 24, 2007

I feel like doing comment responses:

Blue: Thank you really, for the comment you left me on yesterdays post and the one from a week ago.. It really means a lot to me.

Belinda: Haha thank you XD you cassie and megan would make life fantastic.

Cassie: You are my whore. Be proud XD lmfao. yes a jar of pickles. I seriously laughed at that for 5 minutes, the part about burning "marry me" in her lawn. I have to get lauren to read that. Ah, I told her i would stand outside her window with a boom box. I'd sing cheesy love songs for her anyday.

Kyofanatic13: Haha yeah that's what I said too. "now dad wouldn't it have been CHEAPER to have just BOUGHT the dang pickles?" XD

TheVampireLastet: I was hoping the hamster lightened the mood. I mean, it made me feel better, uh, somewhat. but yeah, me and my dad aren't close and he had a horrible relationship with his father so I'm guessing or rather assuming that's why our relationship was a weird one. People always ask me how i handle everything, and I mean it's hard and all but...I guess I've always had to deal with it so it's not that much of a big deal. i break down a lot though. I guess all i can hope for, is in the end it'll be worth it and that is the only thing that keeps me going.

Krissy: No, seriously i laughed for a good five minutes when i heard about it. i was like.."Pickles? ...PICKLES?!" that's just the beginning. my dad's been arrested for public disturbance too, he was hugging tree's and confessing his undying love for them. Ah, it's wonderful. My cat attack's the hamsters too. and now i have three so it's complete chaos.

Post

Ah, well first of all. sorry. i don't know yesterday's post was kind of weird i was out of it really. i guess you'd call it shock. My dad's doing better though and he's willing to stay in this hospital/rehab center for 2 months or so if that's what it takes to get him better. He tried to talk to me on the phone today, but I couldn't. I would have cried. I may be strong but i cry like a fucking baby when it comes to hearing someone say sorry. but the important thing is he's going to try his hardest to get better.

*sigh* Today i mowed our HUGE yard and fixed the garage door. yet ANOTHER thing my dad broke. it was a pain in the ass considering the sun was beating on my back the whole time. but it's on now and it makes me feel better since the garage was left unlocked for 4 days -__-lll ...and we don't live in the most friendliest neighbor hood...Hm, I also got to talk to my next door neighbor stefani she moved here from west Virginia she's 21 and has a 2 year old daughter named April [which by the way i love that kid to death] i watched April for a while, so she could get some stuff done. I didn't get payed or anything but it's fine since i love that kid and she's so fricken adorable. [blonde hair blue eye's] i have a picture of her and me somewhere....hmmm.

Today I'm going out to go look for a job with my mom which is why I'm posting right at 12. which bring's me to something else if I can get a job i probably will be on even less since I'd have to balance my home life, school, and a job. and if i don't end up getting a job I'm going to go back to regular school because I don't want to be home alone while my mom's at work [hah yeah wimp] but yeah, we'll see how it plays out. uhm, wish me luck?

Uhm, I'm going to go to sleep now honestly that kid wore me out....and i have to get up at 7 to drop my sister off at school...all in all, I'm feeling pretty much better, and yet...

I'm still missing someone something.

-jenny
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Sunday, September 23, 2007

Still whoring cassie still whoring cassieee. go visit, she's the best i promise <3

redmoonchick Click the link! ^_^

Dad tried to hang him self in the garage. I think taking the rope down was the hardest thing i've ever done. police called friday night and said Dad stole pickles and was arrested now we owe like 1500 dollars. dont ask me why he choose to steal pickles out of all things.

Mom kicked him out of the house, his sister found him passed out in a hotel and toke him to the hospital again, apparently this time he's going to "straighten out his act" Yeah i'll believe it when I see it.

Gramma on dad's side is going to help us out with bills since we have no money.

Oh im getting two more hamsters!!! My next door neighbor is giving them to me they're adorable! They're both girls so I have to think of names for them but i already have one in mind.

i wonder if lauren knows how much i miss her.

-jenny
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Friday, September 21, 2007

Well. . .I haven't really updated recently since there was nothing, uh, happy to report. I thought I should post though since I left on. . .Awkward terms. My Dad went to Rehab. .on, monday? I think so. Yeah...It had to have been. It felt weird having him gone, which is weird since he's hardly home any ways. My mom missed him a lot and decided to drink too. . I noticed how short my patience level has become because all the while she was telling me she cant live with out my dad and that if anything happened to him she'd die I had to refrain my self from screaming "what about us?" Tuesday was a laid back day...nothing happened. Wednesday Nikky [rabidminpin] came over to my house. . . We walked/rode a bus to a place called "walker's point" It's a place where kid's go when they need to get away from home. She wanted me to check it out in case I ever need to get away. Nikky's always looking out for me. . .I'm so glad I have her here. Any ways. . . I don't know Nikky did all the talking while we where there. I wanted to talk, i really did but it was like I froze up. The idea of telling someone about my problems, a complete stranger about my problems I just cant do that. It's not like i could tell them everything any ways, no one know's everything. I guess, I think if i ignore it, it'll all go away. My dad also came home from rehab on Wednesday. [i know short stay, hey?] He hadn't had alcohol since monday but it was still in his system. . I can tell. He was fine yesterday, but now. . .He's gone again. I'm trying so hard to have faith in my dad. Maybe he's not out somewhere drinking. . . but I'm fooling my self. Of course he is. I really need to stop trusting people. I'm actually not that upset. . but if my mom start's drinking I'm going to go down hill again. I can't stand being the only sober one in the house, and I really have no drive to drink. The only thing I've drank is wine coolers and they where light.

I've got to get used to the feeling of being alone again. . I need to calm my jealousy issue's as well. I just can't help but wonder what it is I did wrong. What is it i did that screwed up my relationship with my dad? and. . What did I do to my relationship with Lauren? I know thing's aren't the same anymore. I could accept that if i knew i wasn't the only one missing it. . . . . Sometime's i wish things where the way they used to be. I never had who i wanted, I felt it with Ryan, and with Lauren. and now that i have her it's like i got greedy. I can't accept that what i have need's to be good enough. I'm trying though, I'm really trying to accept the turn my life's toke. As much as I say it, i do care about my family. I just wish we could be the same again. I wish my dad would realize how much i love him. He think's I hate him, and i have trouble coming up with a good enough reason to argue with that. I miss the simple thing's that used to make my life okay. I really hate how hard it is for me to be happy now a day's. I guess i just hate going home. It's like my own private hell. . and no one know's.

I missed myO though, honestly i can't believe this week has gone past so fast...I'm going to try to be around more often depending on what happen's today. I just wanted to thank everyone that commented and talked to me. It really mean's a lot to me that people care. Just so you know. . suicide is something I've considered but nothing I'd actually act upon. There's to many great people in my life to leave behind. I want to wait it out, too. I want to see what happen's. I just wish thing's would calm down for a little while. If I've learned anything from this though. . I've learned to not take every day for granted because it could be gone just as fast as it came. Who know's maybe I'm wrong, maybe in the end, it will be all worth it. for now. . I'll let it play out.

Oh yeah, before i forget if you don't know Cassie [redmoonchick] could you go visit her? she's kind of sad right now and not many people have been visiting her lately, she's an amazing person and one of my best friend's on here so it would mean a lot to me if you could go say hi to her. redmoonchick Click the link! ^_^

Anyway's. I'm sorry this got so long and if you read it all, well then...thank you. I hope everyone else is doing okay, I know since school started not many people have been around lately. I miss school.

=]

-jenny
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Monday, September 17, 2007

ah
let's make this short ey?
i have a headache.
im alive. for the moment.
that's all I can say.
i kinda...broke down a little while ago
and cried my eye's out and talked to my phone.
on the front porch
until my drunk mom came out and asked me who it was that didn't care about me anymore.
but, you know...she wouldn't understand.
I'm NOT giving up.
I'm just giving up on caring until...
someone talk's me out of it.
I know im fucking selfish but im sick of not caring about my self.
so...until then, i can't say i'll be around.
i need to know.
i drank again today...and then drove my mom home.
all these empty promises to my self and you.
why do i even try?
i wish i knew.
i need to stop.
my mom threatened to take my computer and cell phone away today.
I cried.
because she doesn't understand. THIS is my LIFE.
she told me to stop being such a baby.
she told me to start living in the real world, and realize that my girlfriend will never be HERE for me.
it's funny, threw everything i've been threw...
this...this feeling of wondering if she's right.
this hurt's the most.
it fucking hurt's like hell.



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Saturday, September 15, 2007

imma mess but i can't tell you so
WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR EMO BITCHING =\\\

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
haha this has been one interesting friday.
hah.
im sitting here.
waiting for a text that'll never come
i should rephrase that because it's not like im sitting here ALONE.
my fucked up family is sitting here with me. =]
guess whatttttt?
my dad came home wasted as fuck today, again.
so, i guess we're going to be making a habit of this i should just start pulling cash from the credit card account right? cuz i mean...if they can waste money on beer why cant i have money for oh let's see....plane tickets? YEAH!
i think...im finally...at my breaking point.
and could careless if i shoved this switch blade threw my pittiful fucking heart.
everyone tell's me to get help...but they don't undestand i dont want help i just want thing's to...for once be okay.
i can't believe what my life's turned into..
but honestly i wouldn't trade it.
-______-''
I feel emoooo.

my muffin's are gone.
my sprite is gone.
let's get fucked up and dieee?

-jenny

and i got the point that i should leave you alone but we both know that im not that strong

[[edit: my dad's gone....to where..I don't know. i feel like i could puke up my insides and just die. I don't think i've ever needed lauren more then i do now. im scared of my own self...oh well. I'll sleep with the switch blade tonight..]]
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Friday, September 14, 2007

It's funny how a person can walk into your life and suddenly...you can't live your life without that person. I think it's weird how much i've changed in the past...year. i realized a lot of thing's, but then there's a lot of other thing's im not to sure about and i don't know what im going to do about them.

ughhh my cat's have flea's and it's driving me insane because they're biting me too. and it doesn't help at all that both my cat's decide to cuddle up next to me at night -_- we treated them....but we have to "fog" the house since they're EVERYWHEREEE. it's damned annoying.

...i might apply for school today...so i'd go to a regular school. ugh i want to but then again i don't want too. and chances are it's not going to happen because im a chicken ass. might as well just drop out.

i got tagged again....but i don't feel like doing it today...maybe tommorow.

oh wait i've got one for today.

I dont like being lied too.

there.

Oh. I got muffin's yesterday. mmmm. yummy.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek scary bugs.

-jenny
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Thursday, September 13, 2007

and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay
i love that song.

i give up on school.
i give up on functioning in the real world.
cuz' i mean...really what's the sense in it?

i wish people would stop calling me a good person, because really, im not. i wish i didnt make people worry. i wish i didnt have to post this...but i do, and i guess it's the only thing that's keeping me sane.

my friends..probably hate me right now, because i dont function anymore...i read some post's but i never end up commenting on a majority of them..I just can't get up the strength to give advice on someone else's life when i cant even maintain my own. that sound's like a half assed excuse but it's true. *sigh* cassie probably hates me...since we dont get to talk much anymore...its not fair...but then again, life's not fair.

hah, well i know now that i cant skateboard as well as i used too. it was pretty bad, im just glad my sister didn't say anything to my parents....i dont need to get help. I caused it so i can take care of it. it's not to bad...it hurt's when i breath deep though and when i move to fast....just bruised probably.

on a lighter note....i have this insane craving for muffins and if i dont get some soon i think i might go insane(er)

maybe...i'll just wait for friday night to role around. it's only...40ish hours right? yeah...it'll be okay.

I wish i didn't have to be this way.

-jenny
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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

blah.
i give up.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

forever: for everlasting time; eternally, always.

My question is. what happen's when forever run's out?

nothing: no thing, not anything. without anything.

What happen's when nothing become's forever?

eternally: being without beginning or end.

what happens when the eternal part of forever turns into the nothing part of eternal?
.....

It's cold...really cold. i can't even begin to explain how much i love it.
blah...apparantly my history course is expired because i haven't finished it in the 9 month time frame or whatever.
Fuck. fuck. fuck.
soo, i wasted my time doing stupid ass history for...hah let's see..
NOTHING.
uuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
...i swear to god im getting stupider.
oh well. it fits.
my head hurts...
im gunna go hide under the covers and shiver my ass off and pretend like my heart doesnt hurt.

-jenny
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Monday, September 10, 2007

shit fuck skittle duck.
I was tagged like a gazillion fucking times. ahaha. so i'll give you 16 facts.

FACTS

1. I'm really f*cking annoying.
2. I really do swear to much...
3. I talk in my sleep.
4. I'm such a fantastic liar. =]
5. I speak my mind to much.
6. i always have this dream where i die by getting ran over by a train ._.
7. im the ugliest thing you'll ever see, but imma camera whore. =\
8. I get my bitchy attitude from my father.
9. I can usually always look threw people's lies. It just depend's if i'll make a big deal out of it or not.
10. I just learned yesterday that my mom had a miscarriage two years ago. yeah, thank's mom.
11. i REALLY hate bugs. if I see a spider in the bathroom I wont go in until my mom kills it...im such a wuss.
12. Sometime's I wish I couldn't see threw people's lies. It's nice to believe thing's even if they are only lies.
13. I hate it when people touch me, or look me in the eye's it makes me paranoid. I guess I fear people will see my insecurities if they get to close to me.
14. i hate thinking about death and the after life.
15. My mom drives like a maniac. her driving scares me.
16. i am a very boring person.

eeehhh that was hard. and long..uhm..i tag everyone XD lmfao.

nothing really happaned today i layed in bed for a majority of the day and talked to lauren, for 3 hours...and 14 minutes. I watched sonic this morning and felt like a little kid again. =D -sigh- but im not, sadly.

so how where the vma's those of you who watched? not having any cable I wouldn't know....

mmm gotta get up at 7 againnn...night muffins.

-jenny
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