Sunday, September 9, 2007

blah
my cell phone died and i cant find the charger since it was thrown in the many piles of junk we packed when we where suposedly "moving"
grrrrrrrrrr.
oh well. i'll find it sooner or later.

Yesterday I went by my religious grandma's house...yeah. i have to act like a good girl there. i think the black hair and black nail polish threw them off though...i shoulda toped it off by saying "hey did you know im gay?!" yeah. honestly, i wish they did know. No one in my family know's...well my mom does. My other grandma consist's to say shit about gay people when im in the room and i ALWAYS throw thing's back at her in the hope that she get's the hint that these 'people' she's bad mouthing are actually her own grandaughter. whatever, i hope she choke's on her stupid words.

we went to the lake after that...It was a sort of long drive so i layed down in the back of the car and thought about lauren and watched the clouds out the window. it felt good not having to worry about anything in my family and just about her. i miss her. -sigh-

my uncle's coming over today.....seriously he looks like he has a potato growing out of his head ._. im so serious. *trys to get a picture of it*

man...im so lazy. *stares at heaping pile of work that should be done* ....tommorow. Yes tommorow.

=/

-jenny
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Saturday, September 8, 2007

Bleh, so it's 1:10 Am
I just got finished watching brokeback mountain...
it's a good movie.
smutty, but great.
and i dont say that just beacause I'm perverted.
I actually cried at the end.

Anyways.

It's getting colder and i cant explain how glad i am. so..im laying here with my laptop on my lap and it's actually keeping me warm rather then making me feel like an oven.

I think I might be getting a cold...-_-
i'm tired..but i think my brain is running to much to sleep.
oh well.
all i can do is try.

night.

-jenny
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Friday, September 7, 2007

This has had to have been one of the worst week's of my life.

Does anyone know where Steph went (alphonse13)? her site's turned off and she's not answering my texts. It's my fault im sure...I always screw up..I dont even mean too..I just hope she's okay. I wish I wasn't such a shitty friend, then I could help them out...like they help me. I used to be good at advice but it's like every ounce of knowledge I once had has slipped from my mind. Don't even get me started on my family...I'm so sick of being the only one with a stable mind around here..[even though it's not] but im getting to the point as to when i see alcohol im just going to pour it down the damn drain. my dad has no job again...and...we hardly have any money anymore. to move you need money..[duhh] and you can't really buy a house if your not holding down a job either....uggggh in other word's we're screwed. i need a job... if only i was a year older...-_- I think i can get a working permit at one of the high school's around here....Hmmm.

Bleh. History is a pain in the ass....if it weren't for my grandma I wouldn't be so behind in school. -sigh- oh well. Just like everything else in my life. It's screwed up.
i guess im only holding on because of lauren and a couple of my good friends. and right now i think a majority of my friend's hate me...
My sister locked her self in her room from the moment she got home and she's still there. I don't even want to begin to imagine what's running threw her mind right now. she's fucking NINE year's old. and she's already saying she wishes she was dead. Im screwed up enough and i didn't even have that bad of a child hood...but her..she's wittnesed it all.
I wish I knew how to fix my family.
bleh.

im going to bed...I've got to get up at 7AM not that bad....but still. sleep is my only get-away latley.

see ya.

-jenny
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Thursday, September 6, 2007

Uhm..sorry I wasn't around yesterday..I guess i should explain hey? Well if you really don't want to read a bunch of..uhm, drama you can skip this part, but anyways...

Yesterday night at around 11 my mom and dad we're already..uh, drunk and my mom came in my room and told me to start packing my shit...apparently she thought we could drive all the way to Pennsylvania in our shitty car that I doubt would even make it to ohio. and yeah...maybe I wouldn't have thought this wasn't as a bad of an idea if they weren't flat out WASTED. and....the thought of dying doesn't really..please me right now. I couldn't stop her though and part of me didn't want too. I'd have been 700 miles closer too...her if we would have made it. Well....we didn't end up getting anywhere, we almost got to Chicago IIlinois, but my dad must have sobbered up a bit and realized how STUPID this was. I mean....we have no house down there and my dad has no job. We'd have had to live in the damn car. My mom was pissed and kept threatening to just jump out of the moving car on the free way. so, im sitting here practically holding her down so she doesn't do that. to make this short we ended up going home and my mom was throwing crap and screaming. I finally ended up getting her to come lay in my bed and I just layed there and didn't get any sleep all night because I was afraid she was going to leave again. I kept thinking about lauren...i still am. i dont wanna leave her. Hah threw all of that I dont think I ever had my seat belt on. talk about living on the edge ey? It was like I was living out one of my nightmares. but like i said....i should do something but im scared of losing them. but..bottom line is..I thought i was going to die, or they'd have got arrested and we'd have been put in foster care. I..dont want to die. as much as I hate things...I dont.

Uh, whatever. Im not really upset...I'm just kind of in shock but im glad im alive. i guess, that's all i can take out of this...I'm still alive.

I dont feel like doing anything but laying in bed and waiting until i get to talk to lauren again...im distancing my self from everyone..I just don't feel right and she's the only one that makes me feel okay....I think i'd be worse off then i am now if i hadn't talked to her...but now i just...miss her again. -sigh- maybe...hopefully i'll be better in the morning.

I'm sorry i haven't been getting to many sites latley..it's just been...hard. I'm going to try to be better...

-jenny


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Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

-Thunder: Boys like Girls

It's really hard to say how I feel today.
I talked to her..
and now i just feel like laying in bed until i get to talk to her again.
my heart is missing.
this can't be healthy.

-jenny
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Monday, September 3, 2007

Bleh.

I drank for the first time in my life today....I had three wine coolers. -_- I really don't know why i just felt fucked up so I didn't care. and yeah they're just Wine coolers but I HATE no..DESPISE alcohol.

Other then that I talked to my next door neighbor...she's 20 and she has a daughter who's 2 and she's the cutest thing I've ever seen, [besides taco] her boyfriend is a fuckin asshole and never spends time with her or his daughter...so I said i'd baby sit if she ever needed to get out. I don't really even want money for it cuz I love the kid but it'd be nice to get some money.. and it'd be nice to just get out.

Haha I was seriously gunna fly to pennsylvania last night. My parent's where drunk and my mom wanted to look at a house down there.. when my gramma passes away we're probably gunna move to a different state...like we'd talked about..bleh Idk. I'd get to see megan =D and new jersey is right accross. but i'd miss cassieeeeeeeeeee and nikky....ahhh.

Im driving my self insane....i jump everytime my phone rings or someone signs on. i miss her. bleh i need to stop being so clingy.


and I miss you more, then I did before

Im tired.....

-jenny
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Sunday, September 2, 2007

hehe never try to explain a three some to a 9 year old

Well...I got like 11 hours of sleep last night and im still tired as FUCK and cold as FUCK. hah. I dont know it's getting colder and I like it but then again I hate being cold cuz there's no heat in my room...

I changed my theme. AGAIN I wasn't happy with it yesterday so i changed it again, i like it now...for now....I'll probably change my mind tommorow haha -_- I spend to much time on photobucket....the internet is taking over my souuuuuuuuuuul and I dont care XD

I had something to whine/be emo about but now I can't remember what it was. My grandma's doing better actually....I dont want her to come home though. what if something happens to her in the middle of the night we'd have no way of knowing...at least at the hospital they know if someting happens to her. -sigh- It's getting to a point where its impossible to take care of her..

Hmmmmmmmm on to something more happy?

Picturesssssssssss.

OF HIDEOUS-NESSS


blurry..MEEE in the hopital....texting...YES I AM A FAT ASS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


A little girl i seen running around the hospital.....apparently her name was "taco" she's adorable....I want a baby like her.


An older pic of me....I honestly think i look older there then i do now. skinnier toooo....tis was when I was living alone...


lol i made that


OSCAR!!! i found him btw.


L!!!! x3


lmfao i really dont know.



OMG I CANT FIND MY TRA LA LA CATTTTTT

OH OH WAIT I FOUND HIM.



okay >.> I leave you with that

niiiiiiiiighttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

-jenny
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Saturday, September 1, 2007

I...sorry if I scared anyone yesterday. I was being an asshole to everyone including my self. I needed to turn my site off though, to figure something out and decide what to do.

I was at the hospital from 12AM-7AM friday morning. I got home and got to bed at 9 and then woke up at 11 so I've only had 2 or so hours of sleep since thursday...I need to sleep sometime..soon. but, yeah...my grandma's okay still. when she first got to the ER they couldn't find her heart beat..and her oxygen level was all the way down to 59% idk it was freaky. they think she might have an infection and a tumor on her lung. I should be sad...but i'm not. She's suffering so much here, sometimes....there's a point where death will make it easier for her. Not saying that it'll be easy to say good-bye in fact I'll probably be a mess for the most of the time after that...but..if she goes I'll know she's not in pain anymore.

I really do feel out of it though..maybe it's cuz summer's over and i'm not use to being alone again..I guess I'll just have to occupy my self with school or writting or the hospital...or something.

Well my head hurts so im just gunna head off to bed....I hope you guy's all have a great day, see ya ^_^

-jenny
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Friday, August 31, 2007

God I feel so fucked up.
So..
totally...out of it.
I banged my head on the wall
its bleeding...
I dont even care.
Im going to the hospital.
my grandma's sick again...she was in rehab...
but she's got a fever...
god.
blood.
i hope they dont notice.
God..
I know im getting what i deserve.
but dont blame her for it...
God.
...
I'm sorry.

i give up.

bleeeh
it's 7 am
i just got back from the hospital.
I made lauren upset and now I feel really bad.
I didnt mean too..
T_T

*cries*

im gunna sleep..
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Thursday, August 30, 2007

~Thursday August 30th 11:06PM~

Today my mom had this crazy idea that we should move out of wisconsin...just to get away from my grandma and everything else. I mean she was even SOBER and she had her mind set on this and was about to jump a plane and leave. I was scared....and at the same time I felt happy, I kept telling her to take me to the east coast. She said she would. but we never did end up leaving. I was kinda pissed off that we didn't...I didn't really think about the thing's we'd leave behind...or the people I'd be hurting..or how many flaws there where to that plan. I just wanted to go. After last night I realized that I can't stand being away....not for very much longer. I'd walk to you if I had no other way

We went to the hospital, again...where I consisted to be a bitch because I wanted to be on a plane. getting out of this stupid place. I guess my mood got better when I was reading threw all my saved text messages but then my stupid phone decided to die.....the battery doesn't hold to long but that may be because I use it to much. *sigh* After we went to the hospital we ended up going up to sussex wisconsin. [haha] My dad got a temperory job there I guess....and we where looking for where it was located at...we got lost. ten million times but it was fun driving out and being able to see the stars even if It was a little scary being lost. theeeeeen. we finally found our way and started back home. I think I listened to the song "far away" 100 times while we drove. My obsession is unhealthy. I had to lock my self in the bathroom at the hospital so no one would see me crying. ugh I need self control. haha.

I...uh, I guess...that's all. My sister had her first day of school yesterday. she said it was okay. God she's almost smarter then I am -_- Ah I like seeing my old school again though. i get to scare the little kids =D

okay, im going to sleep night....I only got two hours of sleep last night. and the car ride made me tired, so, nuh night pickles.

-jenny



haha fuck sleeping *runs away*
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