Friday, September 21, 2007

Well. . .I haven't really updated recently since there was nothing, uh, happy to report. I thought I should post though since I left on. . .Awkward terms. My Dad went to Rehab. .on, monday? I think so. Yeah...It had to have been. It felt weird having him gone, which is weird since he's hardly home any ways. My mom missed him a lot and decided to drink too. . I noticed how short my patience level has become because all the while she was telling me she cant live with out my dad and that if anything happened to him she'd die I had to refrain my self from screaming "what about us?" Tuesday was a laid back day...nothing happened. Wednesday Nikky [rabidminpin] came over to my house. . . We walked/rode a bus to a place called "walker's point" It's a place where kid's go when they need to get away from home. She wanted me to check it out in case I ever need to get away. Nikky's always looking out for me. . .I'm so glad I have her here. Any ways. . . I don't know Nikky did all the talking while we where there. I wanted to talk, i really did but it was like I froze up. The idea of telling someone about my problems, a complete stranger about my problems I just cant do that. It's not like i could tell them everything any ways, no one know's everything. I guess, I think if i ignore it, it'll all go away. My dad also came home from rehab on Wednesday. [i know short stay, hey?] He hadn't had alcohol since monday but it was still in his system. . I can tell. He was fine yesterday, but now. . .He's gone again. I'm trying so hard to have faith in my dad. Maybe he's not out somewhere drinking. . . but I'm fooling my self. Of course he is. I really need to stop trusting people. I'm actually not that upset. . but if my mom start's drinking I'm going to go down hill again. I can't stand being the only sober one in the house, and I really have no drive to drink. The only thing I've drank is wine coolers and they where light.

I've got to get used to the feeling of being alone again. . I need to calm my jealousy issue's as well. I just can't help but wonder what it is I did wrong. What is it i did that screwed up my relationship with my dad? and. . What did I do to my relationship with Lauren? I know thing's aren't the same anymore. I could accept that if i knew i wasn't the only one missing it. . . . . Sometime's i wish things where the way they used to be. I never had who i wanted, I felt it with Ryan, and with Lauren. and now that i have her it's like i got greedy. I can't accept that what i have need's to be good enough. I'm trying though, I'm really trying to accept the turn my life's toke. As much as I say it, i do care about my family. I just wish we could be the same again. I wish my dad would realize how much i love him. He think's I hate him, and i have trouble coming up with a good enough reason to argue with that. I miss the simple thing's that used to make my life okay. I really hate how hard it is for me to be happy now a day's. I guess i just hate going home. It's like my own private hell. . and no one know's.

I missed myO though, honestly i can't believe this week has gone past so fast...I'm going to try to be around more often depending on what happen's today. I just wanted to thank everyone that commented and talked to me. It really mean's a lot to me that people care. Just so you know. . suicide is something I've considered but nothing I'd actually act upon. There's to many great people in my life to leave behind. I want to wait it out, too. I want to see what happen's. I just wish thing's would calm down for a little while. If I've learned anything from this though. . I've learned to not take every day for granted because it could be gone just as fast as it came. Who know's maybe I'm wrong, maybe in the end, it will be all worth it. for now. . I'll let it play out.

Oh yeah, before i forget if you don't know Cassie [redmoonchick] could you go visit her? she's kind of sad right now and not many people have been visiting her lately, she's an amazing person and one of my best friend's on here so it would mean a lot to me if you could go say hi to her. redmoonchick Click the link! ^_^

Anyway's. I'm sorry this got so long and if you read it all, well then...thank you. I hope everyone else is doing okay, I know since school started not many people have been around lately. I miss school.

=]

-jenny
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