Monday, August 22, 2005

   Naaa...so I have to post something, right?
Well, the past two days my head has been feeling really warm on and off. I was coughing today, too. I hope i'm not catching anything. Jeremy bought Constantine. That's a good movie. Erik's been an asswipe like usual, so I don't even need to go into that. I think I'm too witty for him. I always ahve combacks for what he says. And then he always runs out and just gives me the finger. ha ha...my mom yells at him for it, too. Of course, she yells at me for my mean combacks. Like, Gina calls here, let's it ring twice and then hangs up, and that's the asshole's signal to call her. He says it's because I'd be mean to her if I answered. Yeah, I told him, I'd hang up on her. Or tell her to go to hell and then hang up. He said something and I said "Screw that. Screw Gina, for that matter. Oh, wait, you already have that covered." so he gave me the finger and left ha ha.

Oh well. Take the bad with the good. Where ever there's happiness, depression is soon to follow. Behind every pain, there is reason or good...we just have to see it. Of course, there's another side to that, too. It's hard to explain, so I'll give an example. From my dad being gone, I have been very hurt, but learned many things. However, the other side is that I believe I could have learned all these things in a different way, without something so disgustingly painful like this. Ah, well. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Funny thing is, whenever the worst happens, we're never quite prepared.

Ugh...I just ate, but my stomach isn't too happy that I did. ick...oh well. ROLL WITH IT I TELL YOU! Just do your best and that's all you can do. But if you're not doing your best, then that shows you have no determination to be happy. You can still find happiness in any situation...isn't that called looking on the bright side?
-----------------------------------
I walk a lonely road-
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes-
But it's home to me
And I walk alone...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one
And I walk alone...

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me...
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating...
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me...
'Til then I walk alone...

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone...

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me...
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating...
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me...
'Til then I walk alone...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one
And I walk alone...
-----------------------------------


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Sunday, August 21, 2005

   Heh..
Jeremy(my brother) wrote me an email, and I'm gonan copy paste what I wrote back to him here(from mine, you should be able to tell what he wrote to me. When you see the reference to Carol, that's the bitch who USED to be my best friend who dropped me when she went out with Jeremy, and then broke his heart. So yeah.

I don't feel well a lot lately...in many ways. How can I sit here all day? Well, let's count out the reasons, huh?
1. I have no life
2. I have no friends around here
3. I'm lazy
4. There's nobody around that I feel any need to look good for whatsoever
5. I'm tired
6. I don't feel well
7. When I do actually do things with a purpose out here, I enjoy it
8. I don't have to deal with people. As Roy said "It is much more frightening to deal with real people." After all, that's why you emailed me instead of asking face to face, right? But I suppose it's better like this.
So that's that with those. Yeah, I suppose I should go out somewhere...and you can make it happen, huh? Sorry, but it doesn't seem very likely. I have things to do here. And Kyle's always here, or you're working, or out with your friends or something. Don't waste your time on me...I'm probably a hopeless case. If you wanna do kendo on cooler days or something like that, fine. But going out places? I don't really see it happening...and honestly, I don't like going out places. Do something so I feel good about myself, huh...? I feel good about myself...when I write stories people enjoy...or draw pictures people think are good, and things like that. In respect to things that I've done that are apart from me, I can feel good about them. In me, myself, it's harder to find anything to feel good about.
So what's bothering me and what am I up to? Nothing. It's just much easier to get depressed lately...because it's sad. Life is sad. I love anime...it's so wonderful, I wish it was real. The characters are so amazing...I wish real people were like that. That's why I watch it so much..."obsess" over it...because it's easier than dealing with the shit life we really have. It's mostly late at night that I really think about it...why else would I want you to go to bed early all the time? So that you don't see it...so that you don't see me being so weak! All my life all I wanted to do was be as big and strong as you and Erik! And I screwed that up, too. Now all I can do is be weak and cry...as for acting funny, it depends on what you mean. What, like when I put my head down out here and just listened to the music as if I was falling asleep? I'm afraid I don't have any good reasons for my strange behavior. Except maybe...maybe if I'M different...things will go differently. Not that different always means better.
As for friends close by...that used to be Jen. I'd only see her maybe twice a year after she moved away...but it was better than nothing. She was my best friend...which is why I stupidly fought so hard to get her back when she got sick of me being so depressed all the time. And even though I'm a bit better than that now...it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Char would be a close by friend...but I don't know...I get the feeling she's always busy. It just kinda seems like it. Besides, she has plenty of other friends. Why bother with me, right?
I know how bad my temper is lately...and I don't like it myself. It's not just because I'm angrier lately...it's because I'm more sensitive lately, which goes back to because I'm unhappier lately. Mom's no happier about Gina than I am, she just keeps it in better. Which I should do...but either way.
And I got news for you, buddy. You're STILL at the age where you think you know it all. Because you know what? People are like that for all their lives. Just by you telling me all that in the second paragraph, it's saying you know it all cause you're a little older. We learn new things our whole lives, until the day we die. Parents have a habit of thinking they know it all, too...but even they ahve some things to learn. I could live to be 100 and still never understand why Erik likes that bitch. I know that behind everything any person says or does, there is a specific reason. I also know that we can never truely say we understand until we've been there ourselves.
I know, I know...with Carol I knew what you had to do but I went about it in the wrong way. Not that that matters any. Once a person believes something, it generally takes a lot to change their mind. That's why there's all this political bullshit in the world, but I suppose that's beside the point. Erik, like you, will see what he's doing wrong eventually. I know that. But that doesn't mean I can't resist it. And I do. Maybe I shouldn't, but...*shrug*
Ha ha...also help myself, huh? Yes, I know that all too well. I've been helping friends for years, and I always told them the same thing. "I can help you, but you'll need to help yourself, too, okay?" After all, if they weren't willing to help themselves, as some aren't(there are people who, unknowingly enjoy their sadness because it makes them feel important and loved by those who show concern), then there is no point. They become a lost cause. One thing I can say for myself, at least, is that I don't flaunt my depressed moods and feed my ego with it. I mostly keep it to myself. Generally when I write things in my little online journal, I'm either pissed or meh or happy. I try not to put the sad things in as much as possible(though sometimes I do anyway), because I don't want people feeling sorry for me. If I'm sad about something out of my control, that's pointless, because I can't change it. If i'm sad about something someone else did, that's pointless, because I cannot choose another person's actions. If I'm sad about something that has to do with me, I can either change it or it's pointless, because whatever path I'm walking is a path I've chosen...and that's just how it is. Yet I'm sad anyway-that's because I'm human.
I know a person gets back what they dish out. Sadly, it's a fact of life. But you have to give me a little credit. I'm not a kid anymore. I can act like it sometimes, but what's wrong with that? All of our childhoods were stolen from us...so when I'm acting like a kid my age...maybe that's just me wishing. The world is a cruel place, and I know it. I know out in the real world there's a shitload of trouble waiting for me. I'll take whatever comes at me when I get there. But for now, I do what I can. That's all I can expect myself to do. Granted, I could be doing more. But, well...we'll just have to see how life goes.
P.S. That's Full Metal Alchemist #10, not 11. Ha ha...i love that episode. *Ed and Al see the 'for sale' sign on the knocked down church and they gape at it* "This can't be! There must be a mistake, right, nii-san?!" "THE MISTAKE IS IN YOUR HEAD!"
-----------------------------------
Heaven will be waiting
When I fall into your open arms
I believe you'll find it here
You'll find it here...
-----------------------------------

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Saturday, August 20, 2005

   Ha ha...
Sometimes I wonder why I try to help everyone out...but I always come up with no answer. Every friend I've ever had has had a lot of problems...so I guess wanting to help everyone I meet is just second nature. And I guess it could get me in trouble, if I'm not careful, but I don't want to think about it.

I guess I don't want to think about a lot of things...but the thoughts come anyways. Memories won't fade fast enough. I think about her every now and then-Jen, I mean. And I always feel a pang of regret. I wonder how she's doing-if things are really going alright. I feel guilty, too. Maybe I was trying too hard to get her back into my life when she made it clear she wanted distance. So the coldness got to me and I tried to get her to be nicer to me...which only made her angry. I understand why now. I check up on her LJ now and then...just to see how she is...when I know I shouldn't. It only hurts me more. But memories don't fade fast enough...

A friend's MyO got me to thinking...how many drawings do i have sitting unfinished? How many songs do i have yet to write? How many stories are still untold? If...tomorrow were to be my last day...how much regret would I carry with me? Words left unspoken...hugs left ungiven...any day could be our final day. I read a Gravitation story...where Shuichi had to go on a tour kind of thing and he'd be gone for a week. Yuki told him he didn't think it was a good idea, but he went anyway...and the bus crashed and Shuichi died. And all Yuki could do is sit in their house and cry because he never told Shuichi "I love you." It made ME cry. *sigh*

Well, not much else has happened. So...*shrug* I'll let you all know when something does. No doubt when Erik or Jeremy gets home. *rolls eyes*
-----------------------------------
The whisper that dissolves into the bustling crowd
Makes the memories scattered underfoot blur together.

The blazing of the street where I walk about lost (glaring one way)
Illuminates me as coldly as though it freezes.

The cold times make dreams fall like rain and slip through my hands.
When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering
illusion --
the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along.

Even if the gentleness that tells about only what makes anxiety flow
had fulfilled eternity, I still don't want tomorrow.

The words that I have to give to you are (it's talk to myself)
falling into an everyday routine, even without shadows.

With a trembling finger, I gather up the dreams; without even breathing
on them, they're crumbling.
Even the certain things are too unreliable; if I believe in something, can
I be with you again?
It's whitely vanishing, the silhouette of that day.

Looking up at that palely-dyed season (Life Winter Dream)
I, who stopped to stand still, am swept away.

The wind blows it out, makes it be left behind; even the yearning is growing
numb from the cold in my heart.

The cold times drift about in dreams, but are caught and held in your hands.
When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering
illusion --
the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along.
-----------------------------------




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Friday, August 19, 2005

   Meh is better than shitty, right?
Yay, changed backgrounds. I made this one, as well. Not the background itself, but i changed the pictures on the glass and added the words. Well, I got up about an hour ago and NOTHING exciting has happened yet today. Unless you count Lyss making me listen to Simple Plan, just to see, and end up liking some of it. Sometimes if I really like a songfic I read, I'll get the song and see, too. *shrug* Ah, well. Yesterday was what sucked. I just don't want myself to slip down too far into the unhappiness or it's harder to get back up. Just gotta be calm about it all...

So, yesterday was pretty uneventful. I mean, I keep getting up later than I want to because I can't sleep for shit again. I thought I was getting somewhere with it, but I guess not. Anyways, but of course when Erik got home, the shit hit the fan as uaual. He was arguing with my mom about Kyle. See, I have a college singing class on Tuesday nights. My mom does, too. So, we'd need Erik to watch Kyle for TWO HOURS while we're gone since Jeremy's working closing this time. Erik decided that he's taking Kyle AND Gina out for a movie then. More like take Gina out and let Kyle tag along. Bastard. Nobody likes being a third wheel. So my mom told him no, because he'd be so busy with her that he wouldn't pay attention to Kyle at all and something could happen. I totally agree with her. What, he can't "sacrifice" TWO FUCKING HOURS?! What the hell! And then he's all like "well, what if I decide to take Kyle out tomorrow? Without Gina?" And my mom still said no. Because Erik wouldn't be doing it for Kyle, but for himself, as if he's trying to prove something just so he isn't inconvienced. So my mom told him to forget it and she'll figure something else out. Isn't my brother wonderful? Then Jeremy was a dumbass and went out without even telling me he was leaving! That's what we call "Pulling an Erik", because that's what he does. Jeremy got home at like...1 AM. And kicked me off to do his damn email. Dumbass...he's following in Erik's footsteps...I can see it already. *sigh* And then Erik must ahve left to bitch, I mean, Gina's house, and didn't come back till 2 or something. Assholes. All of them. As my mom told me, "Just when it seems like we're starting to get things under control...they have to fuck it up." she actually said that. And I don't blame her. She hardly swears, but...that just shows how much it upsets her.

I had a weird dream, too. Ed and Al were they, both in their normal bodies...but they were part of a play. And it was mixed with Final Fantasy cause there was a sorceress. And it was just a play, but I had to write the play as it was performed...so..the people were freaking out waiting while I tried to come up with a good script while we performed it. It was so strange. If dreams mean anything, I guess it means I feel pressed for time...or stressed. I don't know.

My friend insists that I take the money. *freaks* But...she is right about one thing...my mom deserves a break. So, since my friend is MAKING me take the money...I'm taking my mom to Renissance Faire. We ahven't been there in over four years and my mom really wanted to go this summer, but we didn't have the money. So...I think I'll take her. Labor day monday...is probably when we'll go. But you know...that was the day, four years ago, that my father took me, Erik, and Kyle(jeremy didn't wnat to go) to Indiana Beach...that was my first time there, and my last. The next day I never got to see him face to face again. Because seeing someone through glass doesn't count. So...I pray that nothing bad will happen the day after I take my mom...it'd break my heart if it did.

On a side note...I realized I don't care what bands and singers look like anymore. If a song is good, I listen to it. I don't even know what half these people look like. I guess that means I've grown up a bit? I mean, back four years ago, I would love every song a band did because they were cool looking and I liked at least one song...so then I liked them all. And now I don't even care. Weird, huh?

Well, I don't know what else to say. That's my life for ya. -_- Ja ne.
-----------------------------------
Take what you need...
Cause I can't hold my breath.
Say what you feel...
Cause I got nothing left.
I made a promise to myself last night...
I'm gonna keep it if it's wrong or right...

And if I lose it all...
There'll be nothing left to lose And I would take the fall...
Cause knowing you are out there breathing-
It's so wonderful...
It's a chance I take even if I break.
I lose it all...
If I lose it all...
Wouldn't matter anyway.

Don't change a thing...
Perfect as you are.
Time has a way...
Time is all I've got.
If my heart should shatter watching you...
That'd be one less thing I'd have to prove.

Heaven will be waiting
When I fall into your open arms...
I believe you'll find me there
You'll find me there...

And if I lose it all...
There'll be nothing left to lose
And I would take the fall...
Cause knowing you are out there breathing...
It's so wonderful-
it's a chance I take even if I break...
I lose it all...
If I lose it all...
It wouldn't matter anyway...
-----------------------------------







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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

   School sucks!
man, so many of you started school this week, so I'm sad that you're gone. *cries* Well, today I got a lot of work done, and I feel good. I feel good knowing what i'm making for dinner everyday so I don't ahve to freak out and make something up out of my head. Thanks goodness. I love planning things.

The other day my little brother was arguing with me. He did something(i forget)and when I confronted him about it, he smacked me with a bag full of hard plastic parts. owwie. I got a bruise.

Erik's been rather...nice to me lately. But he isn't around enough to argue with me, so that's probably why. ha ha...

Jeremy had his friend over today. She seems okay to me. They watched a horror movie..I would have watched, too, but I was busy doing dishes and making dinner. Oh well. He still isn't home yet.

A friend offered me money. *gapes* I don't know what to do about it. She insists i take it and do something nice for myself with it. Like...go somewhere or something, When I told her I couldn't possibly do such a thing, especially with my mom needing to get out and working hard to keep this house and all...then she suggested that I use it to take my mom somewhere...I think that would be nice. I guess I'd be okay with it...as long as almost all of it went to my mom. She says she owes it to me...she explained it, as anyone else who says that has. I guess I don't understand it. I don't help people for rewards...I never expect to be repaid. I do what I do...because I want to. Because I feel good helping people. Sure, I guess it's nice to get something for your efforts...but the friendship itself is what i feel I get for my efforts. A lot of people have told me they feel like they can trust me so easily. I wonder why that is? I guess it could be because I'm honest. Or maybe it's just because of the fact that I put so much of myself into helping and never ask for something. I don't know. What i do know is...that I want to be someone people can trust. I know what shit life is and I know what it's like having no one to count on...so that's what I try to do. Give all my friends/people I meet/etc someone they know they can depend on no matter what. Cause I would never intentionally hurt the people I care about. My enemies, on the other hand...

I wanted to draw something tonight, but never got around to it. A friend had me go into a aol chatroom with her and two people she knew. So it was three girls and one guy...and I gotta say, this guy was like a kid who just hit puberty. Totally sex-obsessed. Nasty. So after he was gone the three of us kinda laughed about it ha ha. What a jerk he was. He kept asking for all of our pictures and stuff...ugh. Oh well. We pissed him off in the end. He was all like "i'm going to bed now...unless someone wants to ahve so fun." but we all said no. he said we ruined it ha ha. What an asswipe.

Neways...I need to get to bed. I hope you're all doing well. I know, I worry too much. And I try not to cause I trust you all to amke good choices...but too many times have I come online to find something bad happened and I wasn't there. I know I shouldn't, but I feel guilty. Like I could ahve done more. Like...maybe if I'd been there...things would be alright. But well...I don't know. Okies, I'll shut up now. Ja ne!
-----------------------------------
I just can't look
It's killing me...
-----------------------------------





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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   hmm...eventful day?
Well, i feel more accomplished today. I ahve to say, actually DOING shit makes you feel good. i mean, I was getting so lazy that i was just sitting around on the computer almost all day ha ha. Don't know how I lived doing that. It should have droven me crazy. But now I do stuff so it's okay. I woke up late today, so imagine how much I'll get done when I get up on time. XD

Um...I watched Moulin Rouge while I folded laundry. I love that movie-even though it's really sad. I even updated my FMA fic today, thank goodness. Which, I hope I did a good job. I think I did. *shrug* I don't know what else to say. Ja ne.
-----------------------------------
Let's pretend...
Happy end...
-----------------------------------
I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss,
it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

And I just can’t look
It's killing me...
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

The Killers - Mr. Brightside
-----------------------------------




Yay for whoever drew those-they're awesome!
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Monday, August 15, 2005

   Weeeelllllll....
I planned things out more today, so I feel a lot better about it all. I talked to my mom about all of it and we have a schedule worked out. She's going to teach me bellydancing. >_> Heehee...don't ask me WHY my mom knows how, and has the music and outfits...she just does. And I'm not gonna ask. Apparently it's really good for you and should make you more flexable? So...I'll give it a try.

You all have no idea how good it feels to plan things out. I feel much better. Now my life is organized! Mwaha!...I guess my room needs to be organized next, huh? Ha ha...

Well, I don't have much to say. I'll let you all know how it goes. ja ne!
-----------------------------------
Like a fool
I'm into you...
You washed away
My insecurities...
-----------------------------------




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Sunday, August 14, 2005

   Konban wa.
Heh, I guess I was just really pumped up last night. We all know saying and doing are two different things. So...instead, I'm planning today and tomorrow and I'll start Monday. Better to start at the beginning of the week and such. It's easier to track my progress, plus i have to figure out what to eat and such. I still have the drive to do it, I'm just a little down right now...I'm not even sure why. I guess it's been a long day.

Once again, I awake to chaos. My mom is yelling at me and when I say "huh?" she says "Didn't Erik wake you up?" Why, no, he didn't. Was he supposed to? Apparently so. My mom went grocery shopping and told Erik not to leave until she got back. Erik had wanted to go to Loon Lake(our FAMILY spot owned by my aunt) with his best friend and his bitch to 'go fishing'. But the water was really low so he went to six flags instead. He's camping for the night with his bitch and friend, and coming back tomorrow. Disgusting. Anyways, so my mom said that Erik left the door open and kyle(my little brother) was wandering around outside! And Erik never even woke me up. So, my mom's pissed at that bastard. She was even picking him up travel toothpaste and shit. But, NOoOoOo! He took off anyways. Bastard. So...yeah. That was my morning. And my mom wasn't so happy that I didn't do so much today.

Sorry to those I talk to online, I'm going to bed early tonight. Gomen. I have to get up tomorrow anyways. It's interesting...I can watch any anime with Kyle. He'll laugh right along with me and enjoy himself. But when I watch it with Jeremy he always will call at LEAST one thing stupid. It's like he can't tell me that something I like ti good or cool. Bleach is cool, it's even action filled and this and that. He'll watch it, every episode with me, and after it's over he'll always say something like "the whole idea of shinigami is stupid anyway". Kyle was watching Gravitation with me today and I'm sure a lot of people(my mom included) would tell me I shouldn't "expose" him to things like that. But Kyle, being only 10, doesn't get that two guys together is "wrong". He just watches it. And today he said "Yuki loves Shuichi, right?" and I told him "Yeah. He's just afraid of hurting him." He doesn't really understand all of the show, I guess. But you know...that's one of the amazing things about little kids. They're..."pure". Untoched by society and all of its bullshit. It must be nice...to not understand. But I can't help but think that...eventually, when Kyle does understand...what will he believe. Will he think it's disgusting and be mad at me for subjecting him to it? Will my little brother be straight? Will he be bi? Because of me? I don't know...it's funny, I guess. Sometimes I'm too concerned with the past...sometimes I'm too concerned with the future. But it seems, either way, I am not content with the present. And, I admit, it's hard to be. But then...what else do we have? If you don't work with the present you will have no future. So I need to take control of all of this and turn it into something better. That way, I can look back and say that yeah, life was bad, but look where I was able to go with it! I don't want to become the kind of person that I hate. I want to become...someone my family can be proud of. A kind, forgiving, caring person. Then maybe...for once, my family can say I did a good job. Or that I really help them. I want to be...someone I can be proud of, too. See, this is why you can't say life is short. Cause if it was, we wouldn't be able to get anywhere with it. Oyasumi!
-----------------------------------
Why live life
From dream to dream...
And dread the day
When dreaming ends...?
-----------------------------------





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Saturday, August 13, 2005

   Oyasumi!
Well, I didn't do much today, just like everyday. But, like everyday, I'll try to make something out of nothing so I have something to talk about. XD

Umm...I went with Jeremy to cash his check and get soda from the grocery store. Thank goodness. BUT I DRANK ALL OF MY TWO LITER TODAY! Geez, I suck that shit up like water. And I do drink a lot of water. Much more refreshing than anything else. So um...then I picked tomatoes while he picked the grapes. Then he did dishes while I watched random favorite episodes of anime. And now I;m kinda..here.

Erik's an asswipe. He went and picked up his bitch and then came back and is at his friend's gay ass barbeque party full of alcohol. And Erik claims he doesn't drink(he's 22, so yeah). But he came home just a minute ago and he gets a blanket and pillow and claims Gina's cold. And funny he parked his car pretty far away from the house. More like he's probably screwing her senseless. As I told a friend, NOTHING makes my blood boil quite like him and his bitch. Mostly him. He has him on such a fucking leash. The other day he kicked me off the comp because he deleted some emails and so Gina thought he was cheating on her because she didn't see them before he deleted them. So he kicks me off and emails those people asking for the emails back. How fucking retarded is that?

So, I've decided I want to be able to kick his ass someday for being such a fucking tard. I'm developing a nice harsh schedual for myself to follow. Three meals a day with only good stuff-important stuff. No snacks and desserts(and that's a killer-I'm like Tsuzuki from Yami no Matsuei) and I just gotta whip myself back into the shape I was in...I got lazy! Then Jeremy will do more martial arts and things with me. Kendo-I looove kendo! Yesh...live by honor, kill by steath! Erm, wait...no. lol Anyways, yeah. I know I sound like a psycho right now but I need it anyways. It'll be good for me! Yesh. I will get up at 6 AM and try to go to bed at 12 AM. So...it'll all be good. Six AM is in four hours...did I mention I'm starting this tomorrow?

One day, Erik...I'll kick your ass fair and square-with my own strength...the sooner I do, the better. Sometimes...when you find yourself able to do one thing...you find you can do a lot of other things. The better I get at piano, the better I feel about it. The better I get at singing, the closer I am to a wonderful future. The only reason I care about the money of the job is to help out my family. I honestly want nothing for myself. The better in shape I get, the better I will feel. It's true for everyone. When you do something right, you feel wonderful. Anyways, I'll shut up now-I need sleep. It'll mean less computer time, maybe...but i'll see what I can do. Shit, I need to clean my room to get space. Maybe I'll stay up all night to reset my body clock...yeah. That sounds good...ja ne!
-----------------------------------
We all live...
We all die...
That does not
Begin to justify you...
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Friday, August 12, 2005

   Konnichiwa!
I'm tired...lol Even though I slept plenty. Or...think I did. Almost 8 hours I think. Summer's almost over. *cries* At least the fall air is usually cool. I promised a friend of mine that I'd do something fun outside today(she wants me to ahve more fun lol). So...I don't know what i'll do. But her conditions are that it has to be fun and I have to be out there more than a half hour. lol Thankfully it's cloudy today or I'm sure I'd burn. I have some chores to do today, though, and I wnna update my stories...x_x

Have you ever wished you could just forget about something or let something go? I hate remembering. Sometimes I wish the memories could be erased, but then the feelings and lessons learned with those memories would be gone, too. Maybe I need to get amneisa or whatever. ha ha... Well, i don't know what else to say. Two new FMA wallpapers down there if you want to check them out. Ja ne.
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I want to break your heart...
And give you mine...
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