Thursday, August 11, 2005

   Naaaaa....
Well, it's been raining all day, which is good. Makes me happy since I love the rain. However, my mom wakes me up this morning and tells me Reenie's going to pick me up in five minutes(naaa...I can't stop yawning) because she's having computer problems and she needs to get on there today. Elena to the rescue as usual. For those of you who don't give a shit about or don't appriciate the work it takes to work with complex machines, just skip the next paragraph and know that I worked hard, but fixed the problem. XD

Well, her internet wouldn't work. Now, it's a complicated thing since she has two computers and a wireless router. So, after fiddling with it all and finding everything to be plugged in, I ended up unplugging her modem from the router and plugging it directly into the case. It still didn't work, so I switched around the ends that were plugged in and then it did. It doesn't sound like a lot, but, trust me, it took a long time to figure out. Anyways.

Then she took me for lunch, so I guess taht pays me for it. Well, anyways, so that was BS. I left at like...10 AM. I got back just about now at 2:15 PM or so. Sucks to be me, eh?

Remember...when you're down and depressed, a good shower can wash it away. Good music can sing it away. As long as you don't think-don't know-it can't touch you. It's when you take the time to think about these things that they become painful. But once you start, you can't stop-and that's when you need a good place to just spill it all out. The worst things happen to the best of us. Some of you ahve learned all this...some of you have not. Life isn't pretty like it is on TV. There are no happy-ever-afters. However, life is what you make it. It's all about perspective. In a situation that makes you depressed, someone close to you may be able to help you find the good in it. Pain isn't always a bad thing. One of the scariest things you'll ever see...is the strongest person you know breaking down and crying. The person you look up to most do something completely unforgivable. Friends aren't always what they look like. Don't be eager to believe someone when they say they love you-just because you feel unloved. Life is what you make it...and I want mine to be happy and full of good memories. I want...enough good memories to make up for the bad. I want to be the best person I can be-and no, I'm not joining the army. I can do it myself. And if I try hard each and every day...not to lie, not to fight...to help out more, to do what I'm asked, to do even what I'm not asked to do...it's not very fun. But I gotta dicipline myself. By helping people, I can exercise my patience and selflessness....wow, I'm gonna be the best mom in the world some day! *wink* ha ha...sorry, I'm rambling again. I love you all! Ja ne!
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Maybe tonight...
We'll fly so far away...
We'll be lost before the dawn...
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

   Daijobu.
Heh, don't worry about me too much, guys. I've been dealing with it for four years already and we're looking at another 1-2, and I'm not dead yet, so...I'll manage somehow. Thanks all, for caring. It means a lot. ^^

I just woke up about a half hour ago. So I'm still a little out of it. I got pissed at my mom right away cause Kyle has a friend over/goes to a friends house everyday. He was just at this kid's house yesterday and is now inviting him over. AND another friend at the same time! Thankfully no one was home, so...one kid called back though, but Kyle isn't here. He went with my mom somewhere. An something in my left wrist hurts...I must have bent it funny in my sleep. Well, since I just got up, I don't have much to talk about. BEWARE OF THESE PICS MY MALE FRIENDS! Ja ne.
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50 thousand tears I've cried...
Screaming, deciving,
and bleeding for you...
And you still won't hear me...
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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

   Naaaa...
It's already 3 in the afternoon. I slept till about two. I guess I want to write...though I'm a little unsure of the outcome(ya know, if it'll be good or crappy). Well, some music should help to make that better, right? I'm bolding my entries now so you guys can read then easier. Ugh...it's so hot outside-I don't know if I could concentrate enough to write anything. I'll try. Well, I guess I don't really have much else to say...

Oh, a thought did come to me yesterday...just how Dave(my step sister's husband) is actually more like a big brother to me. And actually...he's a better big brother than the two that ARE my big brothers. I mean, I know if someone was out to get me, they'd beat them up. But...what happens when THEY are the ones out to get me? So Dave said if either of them do anything to me to let him know and he'll beat an understanding of "you do not hit a woman" into them. XD And he probably could...he was in the army for a while-part of the special forces Rangers. I forget what rank. But anyways, he's tall and skinny with lots of muscle and all that. He's cool. It's kinda funny to see him play the role of dad though. XD And Pam(or Lauren(sp?) since she changed her name)...it's weird seeing her a mom. It was weird seeing my neice Kate and nephew Brad. Well, I guess they're only half so? *shrug* I think my mom doesn't know what to make of it all. She says she doesn't consider herself to be a grandma. and Pam never told the kids to call me "Aunty" or anything. So I guess i dunno what to make of it either. But it's just a nice feeling...knowing that, even though they're far away, they told me I can call them at any time-even if it's just to talk about nothing. Dave's a very duty-bound man...I know he doesn't lie. And he even hugged me before he left...my real brothers ahve never even hugged me. I guess...I can't blame them-who would wnat to, ne? But..eh. *shrug* I don't know. My thoughts are kinda jumbled right now. And I'm mad at that Reenie...she was talking my ear off as per usual, and then gets on the subject of my grandfather...and then onto the subject of my dad. Now, I'm very touchy about that subject, and then she proceeds to talk about it as if she knows what it's like. And her husband does the same. She's all like "If it doesn't get any better, your mom will have to find someone else." EXCUSE ME?! It's not her place to say that kind of thing and it basically made me cry. I don't think I would ever forgive my mom if she did. And then reenie's husband is all like "If that happened to me, I would cut you loose." meaning let his wife divorce him and find someone else. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! Let's put you in jail all alone for four years then and see what YOU do! Fucking ridiculous! For those of you who haven't guessed by now, yes, my father is in jail for something he didn't do. I'll briefly describe what I mean in the next paragraph, so you can skip it if you already know the story.

So, about 27 years ago, two people were killed-they happened to be my dad's boss and the boss's wife. They checked out everyone back then and came up with nothing and the FBI said they think it was mob related because the guy gambled and was in some of that stuff. Almost four years ago, they reopened the case because Joe Berket(sp) wants to become governor and it's the only unsolved crime around here I guess. So that fucker reopens the case and they can't figure out who to blame so they blame my dad. Guilty until proven innocent I guess. They took him away from us...and since then it's been all sound proof glass and plastic phones. It took them THREE years to get my father a trial. Then the judge fucked it up and didn't tell the jury everything and gave them papers of impeached statements they weren't supposed to ahve, the prosecution got away with tricks, the jury wanted to go home(they weren't allowed to until they chose a verdict) and so on. So that got fucked up. Now my dad is far downstate and I won't be able to see him at all for a year or more-however long it takes for this fucked up injustice system to check over his case for an appeal. My life's been hell these past four years because of it-and yet I can do nothing. Pam and dave have hired a good lawyer now, though, so we'll see what this guy can do. He's ruthless and loves to win-he doesn't seem to care about the money. And that's fine with me...anything to get my dad back. I don't expect any of you to really understand...I could write a thousand page book and it wouldn't be enough. But I know my dad didn't do it-for all the evidence reasons(as in ALL the DNA came back negative and stuff) as well as personality reasons. My dad would never do something like that. Everyone says he's the nicest guy they've ever met-and he is! And he was the best dad ever...*sigh* I better stop here before I cry. Ja ne.
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Bid my blood to run...
Before I come undone...
Save me from the nothing I've become...
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Monday, August 8, 2005

   Thinking...
I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...I actually have a wish list these days. Thing I wanna get...stuff I wanna do...it's strange. Cause for the past four years, there's been none of that. Occassionally, a treat, but...nothing like "one a week I'll buy a manga." or I never really hoped for anything. Cause...why hope when you know you're not gonna get? It'll just disappoint you more. I'm not gonna read off the things i wanna buy, because um...it's all anime/manga/j-rock/etc that goes on forever. A few things I wanted to do though...I've been to China Town and I think my family'd like it...so I always wanted us to take a trip there. It's been nearly two years since I was there(it was a school trip). I wanted to make some costumes and go with my brother Jeremy to an anime convention. He would either go as Ed or Link...either works if ya ask me. o_O I'm weird, and Jeremy's into forging, so I wanted to make ed's auto mail. And I want to get a job when May comes around and I graduate. "Graduate?! At 17?! You're supposed to be a junior this September!" yeah, yeah, I know. But I work my ass off all summer and get special treatment. XD ha ha...after I get a job and get some money...I'd like to fly out to see a lot of my far away friends(aka YOU GUYS!!). I think it'd be cool. After I graduate, I think I'll be going to a community college for two years for the basic crap, then onto a four year university(cause two years at any college means you don't have to stay in the dorms) and if any of you guys will be done with high school in um...2-3 years, feel free to join me in my apartment...And help me pay the rent. XD Unless, that is, if I got somewhere in my singing-which I hope to, ya know? I think I could, I just have to work hard. But I'll still live in the apartment! And hell, if it's like that, I could pay for it all. XD Okay, enough babbling about that.

Ummmm...I'm gonna try to draw an original manga comic. I'll start by coming up with a story line, characters, name, profile views, character histories, etc...it should be fun if I can. I had a train of thought, but it crashed. So...lookie at pics and enjoy!
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I can stop the pain
If I will it all away...
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Got this from Lyss. XD


If you look closely, he's looking at a picture of Duo on the desk...he misses him.






P.S. - if any of you are into Gravi fics and you know a good one, link me, okies?
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Sunday, August 7, 2005

   eh...
Well, yeah, my background works AS A DIFFERENT PICTURE! You guys missed when it was all black and not working. I think I just have to rename the files, though. But yesh, sexay Roy will do just fine. I made that wallpaper myself. ^^ it's avalible for download down at the bottom of my page go to wallpapers. And there's an Ed one, too. ^^ Lyss, I REALLY loved that one RoyxEd icon, and I'd put it as my avi but I'd blush every time I saw it. XD
Which reminds me, I was reading this one Fruits Basket story...it was good, but there was at least once sex scene every chapter. Slightly disturbing. But if you skip over it, the story is still good! XDDD
Um...I dunno. I've been sick all morning and I couldn't sleep for anything last night. I still managed to update 2/3 of my stories, so that's good. Then thsi morning my mom woke me up and I just couldn't fall back asleep, then I felt sick for a long time. I'm feelin' better now, though. While my brain recovers from being mush(from writing too much), I'll draw. Then I'll update my other story. HURRY LYSS I'M THREE CHAPTERS AHEAD OF YOU NOW! ....I think. ^^; Please? lol
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Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces...
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one...
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see
The tears I cry...
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Saturday, August 6, 2005

   Frustrated...
My site's background isn't working properly, so I'm a little pissed. Other than that, I wish Erik would get his ass to bed already cause the sooner he does that, the sooner I can start watching Gravitation and stuff.....*sigh* It's like...I'm not doing anything, but I'm stressed and stuff. i don't get it. I've been getting more sleep. Well, whatever. That's what sad anime is good for. *sighs contently* Okay, he's gone, so I'm gone too. Hopefully Jeremy won't be home any time soon. Ja ne. no pics for ya today.
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Friday, August 5, 2005

   heh heh
Well, not much has happened-or maybe it has? I'm not sure. Lately has just been a blurr of drinking lots of water and feeling sick. I seem to feel sick almost every night and I don't know why. And I'm sore all over. x_x I haven't gotten to watch my sad anime and cry my eyes out cause Jeremy keeps staying up too late dammit. And I'm in SUCH a Gravitation mood right now, but no one is in bed yet so I can't. Pisses me off. Oh well. He'll go to bed eventually. Not soon enough, of course. Not sure what else to say....low on creativity and crud. So...ja ne.
HA HA LYSS I TURNED YOU INTO A RUSSELL FANGIRL!!!!
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These are all the screencaps I took of him. >_> well, not even all but yeah.
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Wednesday, August 3, 2005

   Weird Day...
I'm so tired...maybe that's why I'm feeling weird. Me an' Lyss stayed up really late-TOO late. So I was going to crawl into bed at 7 AM so my mom wouldn't know I stayed up all night. Problem is, I fell asleep and woke up at 10:30. but then Reenie called and I ahd to go over there. Her husband dropped off Erik(who cut her tree) and then i had to pick up all the sticks Erik left behind and mow the lawn, too. I got $25 for it which means i ahve $30 now...yeah. I guess I'll hold onto it for now. I dunno. Um...it was REALLY hot out today and working in it was bad. But i got lunch from her and a crap load of "pop". too, so it was okay. I hope I'm not too sunburnt. I just kept thinking too much...I guess it's cause I was so tired. Then I came home and had to do the dishes, which I almost fell asleep doing them. After that I made dinner. So...it's been a rough day for me. But hey, at least my mom didn't yell at me today since I got shit done. x_x Have a look at smexy Ed more.
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Thought you'd come around
When I ignored you...
So I thought you'd have
The decency to change...
But babe I guess you
Didn't take that warning...
Cause I'm not about
To look at your face again...
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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

   Gah.
Erik is such an asswipe. I mean, I know I say it all the time, but he really does. He's been on the computer for hours and I keep asking him to get off. And he's been talking to Gina. WHAT.THE.FUCK. So, I'm pretty pissed. They're off, then on, then off, then on. Fuck that. Hope she dies. Neways.

I'm tired and bored and I don't have much to say. SO, since Ed was modeling for me today episode 1 style, I'll show ya some photos.
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I fear you...
But spoken fears can come true.
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There's a few Alchemy ones in there for ya Kitetsu.
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Monday, August 1, 2005

   Ummm...
Yeah. I dunno what to put here. Life has been boring, which is good. *yawn* i'm tired. I'm supposed to br dragged to the movies by Reenie today...so...we'll see if she remembers. I can often be forgotten easily, it seems. Probably because I can be really quiet with people I'm not so comfortable with. So...I'm not exactly memorable or anything. I'm not special...I'm not "omg hot" or anything...so there's no reason to be remembered. I keep putting off writing my next chapter, I don't know why. Well...I'm tired and I don't know what else to say, and Jeremy wants to check his mail...so I'm gonna go to bed. Oyasumi.
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It's the first time
I've ever felt this lonely...
I wish someone
Could cure this pain...
It's funny when you think
It's gonna work out...
Till you chose weed over me
You're so lame...
Thought you were cool
Until the point...
Up until the point
You didn't call me
When you said you would...
Finally figured out
You're all the same...
Always coming up
With some kind of story...

Everytime I try
To make you smile...
you're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try
To make you laugh...
You can't, you're too tough
You think you're loveless...
Is it too much that I'm asking for?

Thought you'd come around
When I ignored you...
So I thought you'd have
The decency to change...
But babe I guess you
Didn't take that warning...
Cause I'm not about
To look at your face again.
Can't you see that
You lie to yourself?
You can't see the world
Through a mirror...
It won't be too late
When the smoke clears...
Cause I, I am still here...
But everytime I try to
Make you smile...
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try
To make you laugh...
You can't, you're too tough
You think you're loveless...
Is that too much that i'm asking for?

Can't find where I am
Lying here
Alone in fear...
Afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again...

Can't you see that
You lie to yoursef?
You can't see the world
Through a mirror...
It won't be too late
When the smoke clears...
Cause I, I am still here...
Eveerytime I try
To make you smile...
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try
To make you laugh...
You can't, you're too tough
You think you're loveless...

It was too much that I asked him for...
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