Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Ha ha...I'm so stupid....
I'm not...feeling very well today. So...*shrug*

Now I will tell you
What I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time
I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily
Defeated by you
Just when I thought
I'd reached the bottom

I dive again
I'm going under
Drowning you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I dive again
I'm going under
Drowning you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm...

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breath
I can't keep going under




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Monday, July 4, 2005

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!
Not that I'm doing anything worth mentioning today. I mean...my mom and second oldest brother or working. My oldest brother left to go with his friend to The Taste of Chicago and then see the fireworks. I was going to go there...with a friend...last year. But shit happens and then we weren't friends. And it's weird...I tried to go back to being friends with her several times. And it's like...she gives me the chance, talks to me, but she won't LET me get too close. dammit. *sigh* anyways, so I gave up on that. It just comes to mind now and then. I first got up at freakin' 3 PM. so I'm gonna be alone with my little brother till whenever everyone gets home...*sigh*

Someone else's post reminded me of a time on the bus a while back. Whenever I come home from school on the bus, there's ALWAYS a shitload of kids from school. So a lot of people end up standing. So I was standing, and at one point, some people got off, and I was about to take the empty seat when I saw a man with a cane getting on. So I just stood there. He looked at me and I motioned that he could sit. I even held his cane for him while he sat himself down. He told me "God will bless you." Even though I don't really believe in god, it made my day. Even though, when I think about it, I haven't been blessed with what I need most. Life is fairly tolerable...but I can't...I can't get back...what I need-what my family needs.




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Sunday, July 3, 2005

   Tonight...
...is just another reminder. My neighbor is having his annual huuuuuge July 4th party. I used to love it...my dad and I would go together and we'd sit around and talk until early in the morning. It was our...bonding event, you know? Now it is no more...and hearing them having so much fun, doing their karaoke...eating their food, drinking themselves stupid...playing their games and telling their jokes...it all just makes it even more clear that it is no more. I haven't been able to bring myself to go over and say hello. It's...poinless, without my dad. It would only make it more obvious how lonely I am without him. If I shut it out...blink away these tears...I can be alright. That's the big ass secret of the fucking universe! Pretend you don't give a rat's ass and at least you'll look strong. And that was always my goal...if I get strong enough, nothing can touch me. I don't want to feel this pain...I'd rather feel nothing. Ha ha...I keep letting it all out on here. I guess I must look pretty weak. But I guess I can't help it. I just...I miss it so much right now-my old life. It was fucking perfect and I was just an ignorant kid.

Listening to them all singing...most of them(especially my neighbor Vince who's party it is) are really good...and it just shows how little I know. It makes me feel smaller. I don't want to be conceded or arrogent...but I want to be able to hold my ehad high. My gaze is always towards the ground and why is that? I'm...ashamed, aren't I?

Well, i refuse to burden you all further...not everything can be explained in words anyways. I know you all care...and believe me, it helps more than you know. But some things...cannot be fixed so easily. As I told a friend yesterday...I often wonder why I don't seem to exist for some BIG purpose...but just knowing that I can help the people I care about...that should be enough reason to keep living. So...you guys probably feel some need to comfort me...but know that I'm here for all of you, too. I can't the number of times I've been told "You wouldn't understand."...but ya know...if you'd actually give me the chance, I bet I understand a hell of a lot more than you think i do. (I don't mean anyone specifically. just a general you)Well...that's enough of that. Enjoy your weekend parties, everyone.

-----------------------------------
May the light
Illuminate the night
The way your spirit
Illuminates my soul...

Papa can you hear me?
Papa can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa can you hear me?
Papa can you help me not be fightened?
Looking at the skies
I seem to see a million eyes
Which ones are yours?
Where are you now that
Yesterday has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
The night is so much darker
The wind is so much colder
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone...

Papa please forgive me
Try to understand me
Papa don't you know
I had no choice?
Can you hear me praying?
Anything I'm saying?
Even though the night
Is filled with voices?
I remember everything you taught me
Every book we ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright...

Papa how I love you...
Papa how I need you...
Papa how I miss you kissing me goodnight.....

Charlotte Church(though not hers orginally) - Papa Can You Hear Me?
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Saturday, July 2, 2005

   *yaaaawn*
Okay, this is just a liiiil update(I'm modifying the rest which was already here)...a big spider dropped down on me. It wasn't Saki. It was George II. That bastard dropped down on me! So what do I do? Well, I play secrect agent man and flip around the chair and jump out. XDDDDDDDD It was so quick my mom and brother just gaped at me beofre asking if I was okay. Well, considering I had just thrown myself to the floor, I was pretty okay. I bruised up my arm and it hurts like a bitch, but I can't stop laughing!!!! My god, that's hilarious. Too bad you all couldn't have seen it.

Well...I went to bed at like...6 AM. I got up about 12:30...and I'm still tired. As usual. No surprise. I'm not in too bad of a mood, but it could be better. I'd prefer for it to be better, too, since I need to finish the updates to all my stories and crud. Maybe I had two angsty stories first, but now I have three romance/humors on my hands basically. So...gotta be in the mood. That's one problem with writing, drawing, art...if you're not in the mood, nothing happens. Ummm...yeah. I dunno what else. Lyss, I proooomise I'll try to finsih that drawing soon. x_x it should look more professional, too...which I'm happy about. Neways. I'll be going and writing my stories now....*stomach gurgle* ...maybe I'll eat first.

-----------------------------------
I'm so tired of being here
Surpressed by all
These childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much
That time cannot erase...
When you cried
I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed
I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand
Through all of these years
But you still have
All of me...

My Immortal - Evanescence
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Friday, July 1, 2005

   Stupid smileys...
Everytime I lose my cool, you guys are all always so nice to me! It makes me feel bad-yet good. -__- ya know what I mean? Bad for losing it, and good for knowing so many people care. ^^ I'm older than almost all of you...I'm supposed to set some kind of good example! ...I'm such a bad influence. T_T Ah well. I loooove you guys! *glomps you all* HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND LINDSEY I PROMISE TO BE GOOD! XD I'll just draw and write my life away. ^_________^ I gotta finish this post! My mom will be home soon and I still have to do laundry and dishes! GAH! She called and told me to do the dishes so that she could make dinner and I said "YOU make dinner? Since when?" cuz i've been making it for a long time....she's always like "Elenaaaaaa, what's for dinner? Mommy's hungry!" XD I suppose I'll make a good wife someday, huh? But amazingly she told me she'll cook today. Which is fine with me. She just wants dishes and all that done by the time she gets on. *rolls up imaginary sleeves* Well, okay then! I'll put on some kick ass music and do them! No one's really home anyways. So no one can bother me. THEN I WILL WATCH ANIME AND CHAT WITH ALL OF YOU ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Mwaahahahahaha....and she can't say i'm lazy. Did I emntion I'm in a way better mood today?

Okay, for all my poor male friends, you can just skip right to the bottom and comment. ^^;; Cuz I promised Lyss I'd show her all the lovely sexay-ness, so...yesh.

Okay, this is the naughty pic of Ed I said I'd post:

SEXAY!

Next, is the drawn version of my pic of EdxRoy. It's kinda awkward...

Okay, I have to admit, I'm a stupid perfectionist, so I love to try my best to draw things to look as much like the real thing as possible. And this pic turned out so much my own style. *cries* So...call it Doujinshi. I still like it a lot, though. ^^ Here's the color version, which was lazily done:

Gomen! The coloring is so bad...cuz I knew my mom was gonna be home soon, so I'm in this big ass hurry. ^^;;; Well, hope ya like!

-----------------------------------
A sad light shone
Turning into wings
That cut the white darkness

Shone upon by ther cold sun
I had some limited freedom
The miraculous night
Cast by the mirror
Started to remove my mask-my soul

On the other side
Of the collapsing wall
Despair and hope look the same
If there's a heart
That's yet to be seen
Let's head to the end
Of the prologue

In the world where
The wind blows like a blade
What is it I should protect?
In a journey where
I know one painful thing:
I get closer to the true me

The fake light is disappearing
The true light is born
In these hands...

Pierce through the night
Dyed in white
Keep on creating a new era
Create time with your heart
Fly throught the eternal white night
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Is there an emoicon for
I don't know...I feel...forgotten...or maybe not forgotten enough. Maybe both. I like staying up late at night like this. There's...quiet. No one bothers me. I can watch my anime without "That's so stupid" or "their voices are so dumb" and I can listen to my anime music without "i'm so tired of hearing your japanese." or "NEXT!". If I stumble upon a pic of EdxRoy or DuoxHeero, I don't have to care. Or in this case I just finished drawing one. It's EdxRoy. I like it a lot, though it's kind of strange or awkward, and that's because you really don't have many pics of them kissing, so you don't know what exactly they'd look like, ya know? I'll scan it tomorrow I guess. Ed even has his hair down and Roy's uniform coat is slipping off. *wink* My poor male friends...I torture you so...*hugs*

Um...I don't know. I guess I'll go watch some sad anime. Like Gravitation when those fuckers do bad things to Shuichi...or the end of Fruits Basket...or episode 25 of FMA...that can always make me cry. Or the ending of Yami no Matsuei...that's sad, too. God damn you Muraki! *huggles her poor, poor bishies* Lyss, I love you for this quote, I'll remember it(and probably use it) till the day i die...whenever that is. "Life fucking sucks...and then you die."

Looks like a professional already had your idea, Lyss.

If you all(those who like it, anyways) are good, I'll post a "naughty" pic of Ed tomorrow, along with the one I drew.
-----------------------------------
I tear myself open
I sew myself shut
And my weakness
Is that I care too much
And the scars remind me
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

Most of you should know that(I can tell you didn't know the others. mwahaha) Scars by Papa Roach....god, what a name to call yourself...
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Thursday, June 30, 2005

   omg...
Kitetsu and Katsume18 are related?? AND YOU TWO NEVER TOLD ME?!?!?! *dies* ha ha, now that's the discovery of the day! ;P So...that means you're both going on that trip, right? HAVE FUN! XD

As for me...I shall stay at home...and be bored. I'd update my stories but I'm too lazy and not in the mood. I don't even know why, really. I was thinking about drawing and singing instead. It's very hard to sing and write at the same time...too much thinking involved. But drawing and singing is fine. Because drawing is just lines. *phew* Neways, I don't have much to say. Saki is on the loose still. Bastard. *yaaaaaawn*

"What kind of a father expects his teenage son to be home at 7?!"

Rukia: *draws pictures to explain shinigamis* "Any questions so far?"
Ichigo: "Hmm...why does your drawing suck so bad?" *she draws on his face* "HEY!! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY HELPLESSNESS!"

Don't ask.

ha ha...

Cute! Ja ne!
-----------------------------------
Thought you'd come around when I ignored you
So I thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe I guess you didn't take that warning
Cause I'm not about to look at your face again...

Every time I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Every time I try to make you laugh
You can't, you're too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm asking for?
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   Meh...
Well, aodtr666, you're probably right. My soul/spirit is tired...tired of my own existance. Maybe if it had some real purpose to it, it wouldn't matter so much. Eh, life is shit, what can i say?
kitetsu has a really cool FMA pic in a post so you should all go see it!
Aside from that...uh...I killed that spider George. Lyss is right, though, George was the distraction not out to hurt me. Saki is the one who's out to get me. Ah well. I'll get his sorry ass too. Mwahaha...yeah.

"PSH!! Pretty cocky for a burglar, ain'tcha?! What's close?! The safe? Is that bururglar-speak or something?!"


Fruitsbasket!!! XD

this is hilarious. XD

And I love this one. ja ne!

You are... Roy Mustang. You are a fiery person.
No one likes to mess with you but when someone
does, oh boy, they are in for it! You are very
tough and like what most people do, authority!
But you have a soft side that only gets broken
when you meet someone you respect or if they
impressed you.


Which FullMetal Alchemist Character Are You????? (more characters to come)
brought to you by Quizilla
-----------------------------------
It could have been a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And If I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying not to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed
I could break away...
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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

   Man...
What's with this? I'm STILL sleepy!!! I finally updated my GW fic. I'm actually going to be adding a new one, too. It won't take up much of my time and WON'T interfere with my two other fics because 31 chapters are already written. I haven't worked on it for a year, but the three years before that I did. I just have to revise it. Orginally, it had no pairings, but I think I'll make it SeiferxSquall. Heehee. So aside from my normal stories, I'll just revise it whenever I have time. It could be a bit tricky...I think I originally had them paired with girls. Now, if you'll excuse me, George the spider is trying to remake his web that I destroyed this morning. So I think I'll suck him up now. I havrn't seen Saki since he almost crawled on me yesterday and he better hope I never see him again. Yes, i named the spiders last night while talking to Lyss because i was extremely tired and talking about weird things(I'm just generally weird and silly when tired)...so...yesh. Now I must put my clean clothes away, suck up the bastard, and then do other crud. ja ne!


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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

   I need sleep..
I'm tired and starving, but I gonna write my chappies before i get pissed off with myself. *turns on anime music* I really do feel guilty for not finishing my chapters yet...and I haven't fixed the mic problem either yet...if it's a connection problem inside the computer's case, there isn't much I can do. *sigh* I'm too tired so type much more...*yawn*

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