Tuesday, June 28, 2005

   My freaky night...
Some weird shit is happening in my house tonight. It's kinda scary. First, I was in the bathroom getting water(I close the door because it's by my mom's room and I don't want to wake her) and I hear a sound like someone running past the door. Then, there's a knock. I say "yeah?" like I always do, but no one answers. I look out and there's no one around at all. Then between large bugs and my computer acting strange....yeah. And it keeps sounding like someone's stepping around behind me. but I look, the sound stops and no one's there. So if I'm dead in the morning, it could be because I didn't pass around that death chain letter! *laughs* ah well...I FEAR NOTHING! Yeah, right.

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Monday, June 27, 2005

   Showers wash away your problems!
Ha, I almost put "showers wash away your brothers" I WISH! I'm feeling quite a bit better today. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! You guys are so great! ^^ got myself some anime and video game karaoke, and I've been singing with it a lot. Makes me happy to know I can do it. x_x when I first downloaded it all i was thinking "erm...I dunno about this..." but i figured what the hell. and YAY! ha ha...so if you guys know where to upload music files so they can be put on your page, let me know...I may just let you guys hear it-I'm really shy about it ever since my brother insulted me in 8th grade, so...*blushes* And today i was singing them, and I could feel like someone was watching me...but when I looked, no one was there. Next time I look, ERIK(the one who I hate to sing in front of...bastard) was watching me!!! He said he'd been standing there long enough to hear at least two songs. x_x He claims I have the voice but I need to pay a little more attention to some of the notes...which is true, since he heard me singing Japanese. I focus on the words, so it's incredibly hard. Singing english is normal, I understand and know the words. But I still have to focus on pitch, tone, breathing, and volume...and with Japanese I also have to pay attention to the words and my accent...x_x BRAIN OVERKILL-I MEAN, OVERLOAD! >_> heehee. I'm so tired...i didn't get more than an hour of sleep last night. I ahven't eaten yet today and I'm starving...but I dunno what to eat. I took a shower, and that cooled me down a lot. It's so hot outside. Well, i'll sing some more so that I can't hear my stomach yell "FEED ME DAMN YOU!!!" *sings FFX - Suteki Da Ne*
Again, sorry for subjecting my male friends to these pics. XD
-----------------------------------
And sometimes, I forgive...
And this time, I'll admit...
That I miss you,
Said I miss you...
Hey Dad...
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Sucks...
It fricking sucks how moods change...I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or what...but I hate it. I wish the smallest stuff wouldn't depress me like this, ya know? I'm actually pretty calm, for being so depressed. Usually I turn it into anger. S'why I'm a hateful person, I suppose. I could name the tons of people i hate all the way back to third grade. It's pretty sad. Maybe I'll list them sometime...*sigh*
I guess what's really depressing me right now is...myself. The situation I find myself in. I'm...really the odd one out in my family. I love anime and japanese stuff to death. I find myself to be the worst looking-out of my brothers and I. I think differently. I get better grades than they ever did. I'm the only girl. No matter how hard I try...I won't be able to do anything to impress my brothers. I'm strong, but not strong enough...I draw, but not as good as they do. My singing isn't good enough. I remember back in 8th grade...I was going to try out for a solo. it would be my first. I was practicing...and my oldest brother walked in and said "Why don't you just give it up? You're never going to get it." It made me cry...it made me want to never sing again. No matter how much I say that I don't give a shit what people think, i know that I do. Everyone does. Eventually i tried again...and I DID get the solo. But it didn't make it hurt any less. I can never bring myself to sing in front of him anymore. In fact, I'm very shy about my voice now...I'd blame it on him...but that would be cowardly. Back to what I was saying...I'm just not good enough. I can't play piano well enough to make my mom happy...and everytime I play when she's around I feel like she's litening...and hearing only my mistakes. They always bug me about the music I listen to. They bug me about being on the computer. "Go out with your friends." WELL WHAT GOD DAMNED FRIENDS?! The only friends I've ever made at school are what i call "friends". You talk at school, but it all stays IN school. The only outside friends I ever had...they all stabbed me in the back in the end. Now I don't even care. Online friends are safer...so that's where my friends are now...and my family doesn't understand that. It doesn't matter. I'm the one who doesn't belong...
My dad...should I blame him for this? Most of you don't know what I'm talking about...I'm sorry, it's just so painful. I try not to be angry...it isn't his fault. I won't be seeing him for a long time now, since they changed it...last time I saw him I was a complete asshole...and I regret it so much. Just another reason to hate myself-like I need anymore. Kyle had made me so angry in the car(that's my younger brother)...so I didn't really want to talk...and for some reason, i couldn't even look at my dad. And he said "You won't even look at me..? So much for writing you letter and stuff..." And I know he didn't mean it, but I got out of there. It made me cry. I don't know what to think...my life is fucked up. I guess it comes partly from thinking too much...I just...hate everything.
And my oldest brother...he depresses me so much. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your family fall? But Erik's falling the fastest. I'm so sick of him...he disgusts me to the point that I want him to disappear. His girlfriend is a bitch. I just want out. I want to live my own life without caring about what anyone thinks. Some wish, though.
I'm tired of boyfriends who disrespect me...I want someone who actually fucking CARES. Someone who doesn't see me as just another pretty face. Matt was an asshole and couldn't decide if he liked me or JoAnn better so he chose her since she had "social status" by being such a big ass prep and having a million friends. He gave her Mono eventually, i hear. Eric...it's hard to figure out if we even were a real couple. All he wanted to do was play truth, dare, or strip. I want to kill the person who came up with that game. Sam...he cared, i guess, but not enough. Eventually he just called it quits because he didn't think it would work. Dave was the abuser...he tried talking to me again, the other day. I talked for a little-acted like I didn't want to kill him. I promised him that I'd see him in hell...I doubt I'm good enough to go anywhere else. Sean was just an obsessive bastard...he pretended to be like my friend...not long after I called it quits because I didn't like him being obsessive, he was after someone else. Stupid. Zac...I know he cared. And...I cared for him...but not enough. i'm such an asshole. We're trying to be friends now, but it's so awkward...I hate myself.
And who's fault it is all? Mine, I know. I'm quick to take blame, not give it. Is my happiness just a god forsaken mask? I guess so...there's so much to be depressed about...smiling all the time is hard. Bad shit happens and I smile. I have a shitty day and I grin. Life falls apart under me and I laugh while I fall. It's stupid, I know. I'm used to it now...maybe. Why do people say such hurtful things? Though I know half the time my family says things not thinking it hurts...when it does. But they never know...and I never tell them. What is this? I'm supposed to be grown up by now...I'm almost 17...but i'm not. I know I'm not. I try to act it all the time...and when I do, sometimes I even fool myself into believing I'm more grown up than everyone thinks. Ha ha...I'm so pathetic. What is this feeling? Self-hate probably. My mom's going to pay me $5 a week as long as I work around the house, since she won't let me have a job yet. I'll use that to buy my anime...to buy my instant ridicule. And they don't understand, they'll never understand. It's not like I haven't tried. Just today I was telling my mom about an anime that I like...she was constantly giving me "that's stupid" looks and rolling her eyes. Telling me it was getting out of hand and ridiculous. I know, mom...I know. I am ridiculous. For being the only girl, you love me, but for being different, I wish you'd love me even more. It's alright though...I'll be alright. But I can't cry now like I want to. My vision is already blurry, but i won't let them see me cry. I won't. My brother wants to do his email...I guess I'll go write a letter to my dad...ja ne...

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

   Lookit!!!
This is so true...

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

And then, this is hilarious.

Which Furuba Juunishi loves you? (Fruits Basket, male and female) by dark_akito
Name/Username
Age
You are loved by...	Hatori Sohma (the dragon)
You met...	At a bar.
They love you because...	You are just like they are.
Your relationship lasts...	A long time, but not all good things last forever.
Your rival for their affection is...	Akito Sohma (not exactly a Juunishi, but he is a serious part of the whole shebang)
And your secret admirer is...	Momiji Sohma (the rabbit)
Quiz created with MemeGen!

This is Hatori

Which Furuba Juunishi loves you? (Fruits Basket, male and female) by dark_akito
Name/Username
Age
You are loved by...	Hatsuharu Sohma (the cow/ox)
You met...	At the club.
They love you because...	You are dead sexy.
Your relationship lasts...	A long time, but not all good things last forever.
Your rival for their affection is...	Yuki Sohma (the rat)
And your secret admirer is...	Kyo Sohma (the cat)
Quiz created with MemeGen!

This is Haru-chan

Ha ha...just stupid shit to post for no reason at all.

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   I will not melt, I will not melt, I will not...*melts*
107 degress! *dies* I dunno why i'm updating, I have nothing to say. I'm just doing chores and dying. I wish we had A/C, but this is an older house, so we'd have to tear it apart to put it in. And we just don't have the money. My eyes still burn, but that's okay. Went to bed at about 6 I think and got up at 11. Later than planned. that's okay, though. Except that when I got up it was buring hot. It makes mefeel so sick. Anyways, so after my chores I'm gonna update my stories(I'll probably write most of the day in front of this fan) because i haven't updated for two days and I feel really guilty about it. *sigh* So I'll make them nice, long chappies, I promise. x_x heehee...my apologies to the guys-whenever I post any yaoi on here, just ignore it! *sweatdrops* *metls into a puddle*


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   Huh...
Well, this is something i found that I wrote years ago...when I was with my abusive boyfriend...or maybe it was right after I got rid of him(or tried)? I dunno. one of those. Either way, it was because of him. For those who don't know, he was bipolar, so he'd get majorly depressed all the time and take it out on me in several different types of abuse. Anyways.

And just when I thought things were going alright
You changed everything, fucked up my life
All I did was try to keep you alive
Then I started living your lie
Now I wish you had died

I can't believe I kept myself here
All that kept me sane were blood and tears
I can't feel anything, but that isn't new
I can't wait till I die...
And it's because of you.

Pretty dark. back then, this Evanescence song was just about my best friend. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything...I guess I still do.

I took their smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am:
A thief, a whore, and a liar...

I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing

I try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe..
I run to you
Call out your name
And I see you there, father away...

Some other things I wrote in there that I found were:
Everybody has problems. Some times people think the situation they're in is the worst. You could be poor and be perfectly happy, or you could live in a mansion and hate your life. But what no one seems to understand is that it's not the situation that is good or bad...it's only the attitude you have towards it. <-- it's too bad it took me almost a year after to truely realize it...which is why I can smile now...though it doesn't mean I don't hurt.

You try to do something right, but you fail. That failure leads to another mission, and so you try again. And fail. Thus making life an endless cycle of pain. <--- something I believed back then...but it's not always true. Because then when you DON'T fail, it disrupts that cycle , if only for a little.

I've cut myself many times...as reminders...and apologies..but it doesn't work for me. Because the next day, I get up...do the same things I do every morning..and I realize that this is just another day. That nothing has changed yet..and when I wonder what the point is...the only answer I come up with is that this day may bring that change. But it never does. <-- another thing I found myself doing...which I haven't cut in a while, so don't worry...I was another angsty teen(but with good reasons), but I'm grown up now. I swear. *smiles innocently*



Yes, this is Heero and Duo, doing the same thing - about to self destruct.




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Saturday, June 25, 2005

That yellow smiley is too corny.
Well, it's REALLY hot here...I'm dying...melting into a puddle of mush...*dies* 12:30 and it's 102 degrees... To answer Lyss's question: NO, Roy did NOT have his arm around armstrong. Armstrong was only in the background. He's just pulling his shirt on(although we wish he would pull it off). Here's a pic I forgot to post yesterday:

It shows anime characters still look good even when they're a mess.
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Friday, June 24, 2005

   Yokata!
Well, things are actually going well today! I'm so happy about it! -_- Thank god. Erm, if there is one. Right. I'm almost done with the chappy to my FMA story, and I'm quite pleased with it. I'm gonna watch some Full Metal Panic before I continue onto my GW fic, though. x_x ANYWAYS! I have some amazingly wonderful pics to show you guys! First off, I'll give you a sneaky peaky at the pic I drew today and just submitted into the fanart! It's a pic of what I think Fletcher will look like when he's older(such as in my FMA fic) and I think it's cute. I'll make a color one later.

Next up, is OMG! YOU CAN SEE ROY'S CHEST!!! I was so excited when I found this picture I almost squealed with delight...but that would be too girly. *cough* He was in a pic with armstrong for some weird reason, so I made it just him and put his name. Ins't he wonderful???? *drools*

My only regret is that the pic isn't better quality. If someone could give it to me in better quality I'd love you for the rest of my life. XD Ja ne!
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   *sigh...*
Can I just...kill my oldest brother? Seriously, he pisses me off. In fact, they all piss me off. God, brothers! I was about to watch Gravitation and cry my eyes out because I wasn't feeling too good to begin with, and it's a sad anime...but nooooo. Stupid ass oldest brother comes home from where ever. So he walks around the kitchen and eats shit and smacks from chewing with his mouth open and shit...GOD. And he's so huge and bulky that he makes a shit load of noise when he walks around the house and eats his food. Pisses me off. I wish he'd move out already. In acse any of you can't tell-I carry a lot of hate with me. Oh well.

Since we all love sexy bishonen, let's look at some more!






Just a liiiil yaoi...I made a veyr cute GIF out of someone's really great heerozduo comic. If you guys want to see it(because stupid photobucket resizes it) let me know and I'll email it!

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

   Well.
I'm really tired. I stayed up till 6 AM and got up at 12:30. And I'm hungry. And I'm thirsty. AND IT'S FRICKING HOT!! Oh well. I didn't get to update my GW fic yesterday, which I feel bad about, so I'm going to make a longer chapter today. ^^' I'm going to watch more anime today, too...it's my inspiration! Scary...ya know how I always say "Love and cookies!"? Well, someone just told me "LOVE and...WOOKIES!" XD scary people. Ah well. I'm gonna write that chapter now. x_x


DUO'S TOO SEXY FOR HIS SHIRT!!! They make one hell of a couple!
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