Monday, May 30, 2005

   Am I really 16?
well, one good thing for sure about friends online...at least they can't hurt you quite like real ones can. Man...I dunno about you, but I'm so sick of the friend abuse that always happens. It's annoying and hurtful and it makes you wish you were all alone because then at least no one could hurt you. I'm about sick of it. I'd say just stay away from them. The further away they are, the less they can hurt me. If they try to act nice just say "You know what, i'm done. I don't need this, and you don't need to waste your time." because all they will ever be now is a reminder. Like the scars on my wrists remind me. I don't need to be sad. Who the fuck are they to tell me my worth? I'm a fairly good person and i don't need to be treated that way. They think that's how friends should be treated, they can go treat someone else like that. Because if a person can call someone their best friend and then just treat them like shit they were never your best friend to start with. One thing I've learned....you can't really trust anyone.You can't even trust your own family sometimes because....well, people are people. Doomed to destroy the earth and kill each other.They helped me at my worst...but they have decided not to be my friends anymore. I can't control it. I need to accept that and also know that it wasn't my fault. they chose that path, not me. I didn't make them do it. You can't make someone do soemthing. they did it on their own.No one is perfect, and they know it. But for ANY person to point out someone else's mistakes when they've made plenty on their own is WRONG. When something bad happens to you at a young age, you're forced to grow up. I'm sorry they all had a sugar-coated childhood that's still currently going and the only thing they have to worry about are boyfriends and shit...but I'm different than that. And it sounds shallow, but I'm a better person because of it. Some people need something bad to happen to them before they get it, before the grow up, before they see the real world. i got it early and so i'm mature. But it's not my fault.Up until 8th grade, all I had were "circles" of friends. Where their friends were your friends. But people in those...they get pissed over the smallest shit. Amanda Talesky I remember...she got mad at me because I told her that her crush had a square shaped face. But then I met a girl named Jen and she was my first friend that didn't have a circle. I wasn't friends with her friends. And she became my best friend. of course, she's one of the ones who stabbed me in the back...but I can look back at it and say "at least you showed me what friendhsip really is." and that's how I can be content with her being gone now. I don't like it, but it wasn't my choice. It was hers. If you have bad parents, it's hard to turn out a good person. So maybe that's their problem. One thing I learned about depression...in order to be happy, you have to do it. No one else can. You could tell someone jokes all day long, but that's not gonna get rid of their depression. You have to make the decision to be yourself, and that's a good step in the right direction. If you want to turn your emotions around, you have to turn your life around. Maybe jen stabbed me in the back and it made me sad, but after she was gone, I realized I had no one to cling to. So I was forced to change my outlook on life and make new friends. And let me tell ya, it helped more than it hurt. I know...i mean, life-it feels like you're not in control. How can i change what I can't control?! But really...all you gotta do is change how you look at it.
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