Sunday, June 26, 2005

   Huh...
Well, this is something i found that I wrote years ago...when I was with my abusive boyfriend...or maybe it was right after I got rid of him(or tried)? I dunno. one of those. Either way, it was because of him. For those who don't know, he was bipolar, so he'd get majorly depressed all the time and take it out on me in several different types of abuse. Anyways.

And just when I thought things were going alright
You changed everything, fucked up my life
All I did was try to keep you alive
Then I started living your lie
Now I wish you had died

I can't believe I kept myself here
All that kept me sane were blood and tears
I can't feel anything, but that isn't new
I can't wait till I die...
And it's because of you.

Pretty dark. back then, this Evanescence song was just about my best friend. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything...I guess I still do.

I took their smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
And now I see what I really am:
A thief, a whore, and a liar...

I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing

I try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe..
I run to you
Call out your name
And I see you there, father away...

Some other things I wrote in there that I found were:
Everybody has problems. Some times people think the situation they're in is the worst. You could be poor and be perfectly happy, or you could live in a mansion and hate your life. But what no one seems to understand is that it's not the situation that is good or bad...it's only the attitude you have towards it. <-- it's too bad it took me almost a year after to truely realize it...which is why I can smile now...though it doesn't mean I don't hurt.

You try to do something right, but you fail. That failure leads to another mission, and so you try again. And fail. Thus making life an endless cycle of pain. <--- something I believed back then...but it's not always true. Because then when you DON'T fail, it disrupts that cycle , if only for a little.

I've cut myself many times...as reminders...and apologies..but it doesn't work for me. Because the next day, I get up...do the same things I do every morning..and I realize that this is just another day. That nothing has changed yet..and when I wonder what the point is...the only answer I come up with is that this day may bring that change. But it never does. <-- another thing I found myself doing...which I haven't cut in a while, so don't worry...I was another angsty teen(but with good reasons), but I'm grown up now. I swear. *smiles innocently*



Yes, this is Heero and Duo, doing the same thing - about to self destruct.




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