Monday, June 27, 2005

Sucks...
It fricking sucks how moods change...I don't know if it's because I'm a girl or what...but I hate it. I wish the smallest stuff wouldn't depress me like this, ya know? I'm actually pretty calm, for being so depressed. Usually I turn it into anger. S'why I'm a hateful person, I suppose. I could name the tons of people i hate all the way back to third grade. It's pretty sad. Maybe I'll list them sometime...*sigh*
I guess what's really depressing me right now is...myself. The situation I find myself in. I'm...really the odd one out in my family. I love anime and japanese stuff to death. I find myself to be the worst looking-out of my brothers and I. I think differently. I get better grades than they ever did. I'm the only girl. No matter how hard I try...I won't be able to do anything to impress my brothers. I'm strong, but not strong enough...I draw, but not as good as they do. My singing isn't good enough. I remember back in 8th grade...I was going to try out for a solo. it would be my first. I was practicing...and my oldest brother walked in and said "Why don't you just give it up? You're never going to get it." It made me cry...it made me want to never sing again. No matter how much I say that I don't give a shit what people think, i know that I do. Everyone does. Eventually i tried again...and I DID get the solo. But it didn't make it hurt any less. I can never bring myself to sing in front of him anymore. In fact, I'm very shy about my voice now...I'd blame it on him...but that would be cowardly. Back to what I was saying...I'm just not good enough. I can't play piano well enough to make my mom happy...and everytime I play when she's around I feel like she's litening...and hearing only my mistakes. They always bug me about the music I listen to. They bug me about being on the computer. "Go out with your friends." WELL WHAT GOD DAMNED FRIENDS?! The only friends I've ever made at school are what i call "friends". You talk at school, but it all stays IN school. The only outside friends I ever had...they all stabbed me in the back in the end. Now I don't even care. Online friends are safer...so that's where my friends are now...and my family doesn't understand that. It doesn't matter. I'm the one who doesn't belong...
My dad...should I blame him for this? Most of you don't know what I'm talking about...I'm sorry, it's just so painful. I try not to be angry...it isn't his fault. I won't be seeing him for a long time now, since they changed it...last time I saw him I was a complete asshole...and I regret it so much. Just another reason to hate myself-like I need anymore. Kyle had made me so angry in the car(that's my younger brother)...so I didn't really want to talk...and for some reason, i couldn't even look at my dad. And he said "You won't even look at me..? So much for writing you letter and stuff..." And I know he didn't mean it, but I got out of there. It made me cry. I don't know what to think...my life is fucked up. I guess it comes partly from thinking too much...I just...hate everything.
And my oldest brother...he depresses me so much. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your family fall? But Erik's falling the fastest. I'm so sick of him...he disgusts me to the point that I want him to disappear. His girlfriend is a bitch. I just want out. I want to live my own life without caring about what anyone thinks. Some wish, though.
I'm tired of boyfriends who disrespect me...I want someone who actually fucking CARES. Someone who doesn't see me as just another pretty face. Matt was an asshole and couldn't decide if he liked me or JoAnn better so he chose her since she had "social status" by being such a big ass prep and having a million friends. He gave her Mono eventually, i hear. Eric...it's hard to figure out if we even were a real couple. All he wanted to do was play truth, dare, or strip. I want to kill the person who came up with that game. Sam...he cared, i guess, but not enough. Eventually he just called it quits because he didn't think it would work. Dave was the abuser...he tried talking to me again, the other day. I talked for a little-acted like I didn't want to kill him. I promised him that I'd see him in hell...I doubt I'm good enough to go anywhere else. Sean was just an obsessive bastard...he pretended to be like my friend...not long after I called it quits because I didn't like him being obsessive, he was after someone else. Stupid. Zac...I know he cared. And...I cared for him...but not enough. i'm such an asshole. We're trying to be friends now, but it's so awkward...I hate myself.
And who's fault it is all? Mine, I know. I'm quick to take blame, not give it. Is my happiness just a god forsaken mask? I guess so...there's so much to be depressed about...smiling all the time is hard. Bad shit happens and I smile. I have a shitty day and I grin. Life falls apart under me and I laugh while I fall. It's stupid, I know. I'm used to it now...maybe. Why do people say such hurtful things? Though I know half the time my family says things not thinking it hurts...when it does. But they never know...and I never tell them. What is this? I'm supposed to be grown up by now...I'm almost 17...but i'm not. I know I'm not. I try to act it all the time...and when I do, sometimes I even fool myself into believing I'm more grown up than everyone thinks. Ha ha...I'm so pathetic. What is this feeling? Self-hate probably. My mom's going to pay me $5 a week as long as I work around the house, since she won't let me have a job yet. I'll use that to buy my anime...to buy my instant ridicule. And they don't understand, they'll never understand. It's not like I haven't tried. Just today I was telling my mom about an anime that I like...she was constantly giving me "that's stupid" looks and rolling her eyes. Telling me it was getting out of hand and ridiculous. I know, mom...I know. I am ridiculous. For being the only girl, you love me, but for being different, I wish you'd love me even more. It's alright though...I'll be alright. But I can't cry now like I want to. My vision is already blurry, but i won't let them see me cry. I won't. My brother wants to do his email...I guess I'll go write a letter to my dad...ja ne...

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