Sunday, July 3, 2005

   Tonight...
...is just another reminder. My neighbor is having his annual huuuuuge July 4th party. I used to love it...my dad and I would go together and we'd sit around and talk until early in the morning. It was our...bonding event, you know? Now it is no more...and hearing them having so much fun, doing their karaoke...eating their food, drinking themselves stupid...playing their games and telling their jokes...it all just makes it even more clear that it is no more. I haven't been able to bring myself to go over and say hello. It's...poinless, without my dad. It would only make it more obvious how lonely I am without him. If I shut it out...blink away these tears...I can be alright. That's the big ass secret of the fucking universe! Pretend you don't give a rat's ass and at least you'll look strong. And that was always my goal...if I get strong enough, nothing can touch me. I don't want to feel this pain...I'd rather feel nothing. Ha ha...I keep letting it all out on here. I guess I must look pretty weak. But I guess I can't help it. I just...I miss it so much right now-my old life. It was fucking perfect and I was just an ignorant kid.

Listening to them all singing...most of them(especially my neighbor Vince who's party it is) are really good...and it just shows how little I know. It makes me feel smaller. I don't want to be conceded or arrogent...but I want to be able to hold my ehad high. My gaze is always towards the ground and why is that? I'm...ashamed, aren't I?

Well, i refuse to burden you all further...not everything can be explained in words anyways. I know you all care...and believe me, it helps more than you know. But some things...cannot be fixed so easily. As I told a friend yesterday...I often wonder why I don't seem to exist for some BIG purpose...but just knowing that I can help the people I care about...that should be enough reason to keep living. So...you guys probably feel some need to comfort me...but know that I'm here for all of you, too. I can't the number of times I've been told "You wouldn't understand."...but ya know...if you'd actually give me the chance, I bet I understand a hell of a lot more than you think i do. (I don't mean anyone specifically. just a general you)Well...that's enough of that. Enjoy your weekend parties, everyone.

-----------------------------------
May the light
Illuminate the night
The way your spirit
Illuminates my soul...

Papa can you hear me?
Papa can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa can you hear me?
Papa can you help me not be fightened?
Looking at the skies
I seem to see a million eyes
Which ones are yours?
Where are you now that
Yesterday has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
The night is so much darker
The wind is so much colder
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone...

Papa please forgive me
Try to understand me
Papa don't you know
I had no choice?
Can you hear me praying?
Anything I'm saying?
Even though the night
Is filled with voices?
I remember everything you taught me
Every book we ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright...

Papa how I love you...
Papa how I need you...
Papa how I miss you kissing me goodnight.....

Charlotte Church(though not hers orginally) - Papa Can You Hear Me?
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