Wednesday, July 27, 2005

   I feel WAY better.
Well, I am feeling MUCH better. Thank you all so much for your support and stuff. Erik broke up with Gina today. I can tell my entire family is SO relieved. The atmosphere in the house was so much less tense...it was so wonderful. I got dragged out of my house at about 12:30 to my mom's friend's house(the same one that I had to help at the party) and she made me put together this huge ass shelving unit for her. It wasn't too hard, really. It was pretty heavy, though. So...I never did end up going to camp. The lady called this morning saying she would take me today now if I needed it, but my mom's friend had already called and I had agreed to help, so..yeah. I'm not getting paid either. And tomorrow she's taking me at 8 AM. So i gotta get up at 7:30 AM. Sorry to all my online friends, I'll be going to bed after this post. Today started off bad, but got good. I was just playing Red Faction 2 against Jeremy. Damn him! He's too good at video games! But I did beat him...once. Ah well, s'long as I beat him once a day, it's alright. It all started cuz I called him a chibi...and he said "WHO ARE YOU SAYING IS SO SMALL THEY'RE LIKE A GRAIN OF RICE?!" So...I said "Hmm...I dunno...you?" So we broke into a fight. XD Then he's like "Fine, we'll play video games and see if you can put me in my place." So...we did. lol It was a lot of fun. On a side note, I am getting much better at the song I've been practicing for the talent show, so that's good. 'Ey, Lyss, maybe I should sing that cute little song from Fruits Basket for the talent show? XDDD that would be funny. I wrote this earlier today:
This is mostly for me so I can get some thoughts out. If you're confused as hell, go read the other two posts from last night.

Well, it's looking more and more like Jeremy was set up. If you're sitting in your car, and someone scrapes your car, do you just sit there and do nothing? NO. I'd explain it all, but I'm too lazy. Basically, we were screwed as per usual.

Last night I crawled into bed at 5:30 AM due to it being too hot, and lack of intrest. Stupid, I know. But when that happens, usually I get to at least noon.

Not Today.

Thank someone for extra strength tylenol. I wake up to arguing...then my mom comes in and I get asked for the millionth time if I'm going to camp. I tell her no. I already said I'm not so fuck it. I already put all my shit away. "I'll give Erik the $10 for gas, if you still want to go." Why? You already said you're not giving him a dime, and so what-it's okay to make exceptions for me? Why? So he can use the rest of that gas to drive to Gina's house? Fuck that. "You really need to get out of the house. It'll be good for you." Yeah, I know. But at this point...all I would do there is mope around. I may be stressed as hell and pissed off, but at least I'm not worried. If I'm not here I don't have any control...I don't know what you guys will do. Who's going to make dinner since no one's aroudn or has the time? Why are they pushing this issue at me? Erik even told me if I go he'll take care of all my chores. And for what? No one does anything that doesn't benefit them. No one. Every "kind" thing a person does has a motive behind it. What is pure kindness? Does it exist? I used to think so. I used to think I really was kind...now I'm not so sure. Why do they want me to go so badly? What will that accomplish...? Who gives if I "need" it, the question is: Do I deserve it? Certainly the answer is no. My mom deserves some kind of escape more than I do. It'd make me feel guilty to just leave like that.

I don't want to go...for several reasons, I guess. The first and foremost being the importance of staying here. Then, of course, guilt. I don't want to see the happy faces...it will only depress me more. I'm sure most of them don't have the problems I have. I'm not selfish...I know they have problems, too. But I can't help feeling that the only problems a lot of them have is what outfit to wear to school...which lipstick to use today...which way to do their hair...which eyeshadow to put on...and it kills because...I want that. Envy really is the greatest of the 7 Deadly Sins.

I read the letter my mom got from my dad. He actually got a fan and a few other small items...he said it was like Christmas...and that hurts me very much. I used to pray every night. It happened in September...I made sure to pray every single day through November. I made a deal with "God". "If you can bring my dad home by my birthday...I'll never skip church again." Shouldn't that be what God wanted? Isn't that a deal worth making? And it was a promise straight from my heart-one that I would never had broken. My birthday came and went...but I didn't give up. I prayed every night..."If you can bring my dad back by Christmas...I'll never skip church again." Christmas came and went. New years. My mom's birthday. My father's own birthday. Erik's birthday. My little brother's birthday. Jeremy's birthday. One year had passed...and it was my own birthday once again. I turned 14. "God" took away everything...and no matter how hard I tried...he gave me nothing. So you see...there is no "God". It's just something for adults to take comfort in. Something bad happens "It must be God's will. He has a plan for me." But really...it's just a way to feel secure. It's a way to make what happened alright. But it's not....it's not alright at all! Only in fairy tales...do people get saved before the really bad things happen. Only in fairy tales...are there happily ever afters. Only in fairy tales...do princes find the right princesses in one shot, without dating anyone else. Only in fairy tales...does good always win over evil. Only in fairy tales...is life so simple, with such a short battle to reach eternal happiness. Fairy tales are what people read to their children at night...giving them false hopes of these things. But I guess it's alright...until they get older. And then when they find out the truth behind the happily-ever-after. It's good to keep them away from the truth, for a time, if you can...but sadly, the truth was shoved in my face. No one could protect me from it. At the age of 13, I first tried to kill myself. Yet I wasn't even really aware of homosexuals/yaoi/etc until I was somewhere between 14 and 15. There's something seriously wrong with that. But that's what happens when the truth is shoved in your face. And I'm not talking "truth" behind the gate of another world like FMA. I wish i was. I'm talking about the truth to this world. This disgusting world that we live in. "Humans are such sick living things." Roy said it, and I'll quote him on it for the rest of my life. It's one of the most true statements I have ever heard. Well, that, and "Life fucking sucks, and then you die." from Lyss.

I used to be this innocent, fun-loving kid...I had lots of friends, a great family, wonderful grades...this is where a parent would say "You used to be so great. What happened?" Ha. A hell of a lot. I'm getting kinda tired of typing...or maybe I'm jsut tired in general. Tired of everything...some say everything will be alright sooner or later...well, it better fucking be. My life better be fucking peachy when i'm older or when i die, I'll find who's responsible and kick their ass. And yet, I know life won't be. I can't even imagine what a good life is supposed to be.

~The Injustice System - guilty until proven innocent~

But, as I said, I feel a lot better now. I was thinking of writing Shinigami's Fairy Tales "The truth behind the happily-ever-after." ha ha...I dunno. So...I have to show my mom's friend how to use her new computer software tomorrow. I'm sure I can figure it out fast. Ummm...I'm relaly hoping that now that Gina is out of the picture, things will get better. I feel bad...I know I make Erik look like a total asswipe, and well, he is, but...he's not a bad guy. I think...hanging around the wrong kind of people is really hurting him. But now...I'm hoping so much that that will change. That he'll find a nice girl...because, as they say...the right people can bring out the best in you. He just hasn't looked hard enough. Though I make it like I hate Erik's stupid ass, I know I love him cuz he's still my brother and always will be, no matter if he's with a bitch or not. Ah well. Lindesy, these Aya pics are for you and Kitsume18! I'll be getting to Full Metal Alchemist and more pics of the Sohmas tomorrow, so hold on, everyone! ^^;;; These are all only just from episode 14! x_x I looked through....over 25000 frames. He also appears in episode 20 and 16, so if you want more pics of him from those episodes, let me know. ^^
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Even if the days
When I smiled a lot
Should turn out
To be nothing
But a lovely dream
That would be alright with me
If that's all it means...
My mind's unrest
Struggling with me
Recalling the past
Who I could be...
Gotta rise and be strong
Gotta be tough
But not lose the person I am...
Two lives I have
One life I live
One life I dream
In dreams I remember
The better in me...
Vision don't let me down
I'm depending on you
Carry me through
When I see...
Reality...

Blue Gender - Love Taught Me
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