Sunday, August 14, 2005

   Konban wa.
Heh, I guess I was just really pumped up last night. We all know saying and doing are two different things. So...instead, I'm planning today and tomorrow and I'll start Monday. Better to start at the beginning of the week and such. It's easier to track my progress, plus i have to figure out what to eat and such. I still have the drive to do it, I'm just a little down right now...I'm not even sure why. I guess it's been a long day.

Once again, I awake to chaos. My mom is yelling at me and when I say "huh?" she says "Didn't Erik wake you up?" Why, no, he didn't. Was he supposed to? Apparently so. My mom went grocery shopping and told Erik not to leave until she got back. Erik had wanted to go to Loon Lake(our FAMILY spot owned by my aunt) with his best friend and his bitch to 'go fishing'. But the water was really low so he went to six flags instead. He's camping for the night with his bitch and friend, and coming back tomorrow. Disgusting. Anyways, so my mom said that Erik left the door open and kyle(my little brother) was wandering around outside! And Erik never even woke me up. So, my mom's pissed at that bastard. She was even picking him up travel toothpaste and shit. But, NOoOoOo! He took off anyways. Bastard. So...yeah. That was my morning. And my mom wasn't so happy that I didn't do so much today.

Sorry to those I talk to online, I'm going to bed early tonight. Gomen. I have to get up tomorrow anyways. It's interesting...I can watch any anime with Kyle. He'll laugh right along with me and enjoy himself. But when I watch it with Jeremy he always will call at LEAST one thing stupid. It's like he can't tell me that something I like ti good or cool. Bleach is cool, it's even action filled and this and that. He'll watch it, every episode with me, and after it's over he'll always say something like "the whole idea of shinigami is stupid anyway". Kyle was watching Gravitation with me today and I'm sure a lot of people(my mom included) would tell me I shouldn't "expose" him to things like that. But Kyle, being only 10, doesn't get that two guys together is "wrong". He just watches it. And today he said "Yuki loves Shuichi, right?" and I told him "Yeah. He's just afraid of hurting him." He doesn't really understand all of the show, I guess. But you know...that's one of the amazing things about little kids. They're..."pure". Untoched by society and all of its bullshit. It must be nice...to not understand. But I can't help but think that...eventually, when Kyle does understand...what will he believe. Will he think it's disgusting and be mad at me for subjecting him to it? Will my little brother be straight? Will he be bi? Because of me? I don't know...it's funny, I guess. Sometimes I'm too concerned with the past...sometimes I'm too concerned with the future. But it seems, either way, I am not content with the present. And, I admit, it's hard to be. But then...what else do we have? If you don't work with the present you will have no future. So I need to take control of all of this and turn it into something better. That way, I can look back and say that yeah, life was bad, but look where I was able to go with it! I don't want to become the kind of person that I hate. I want to become...someone my family can be proud of. A kind, forgiving, caring person. Then maybe...for once, my family can say I did a good job. Or that I really help them. I want to be...someone I can be proud of, too. See, this is why you can't say life is short. Cause if it was, we wouldn't be able to get anywhere with it. Oyasumi!
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Why live life
From dream to dream...
And dread the day
When dreaming ends...?
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