Sunday, August 21, 2005

   Heh..
Jeremy(my brother) wrote me an email, and I'm gonan copy paste what I wrote back to him here(from mine, you should be able to tell what he wrote to me. When you see the reference to Carol, that's the bitch who USED to be my best friend who dropped me when she went out with Jeremy, and then broke his heart. So yeah.

I don't feel well a lot lately...in many ways. How can I sit here all day? Well, let's count out the reasons, huh?
1. I have no life
2. I have no friends around here
3. I'm lazy
4. There's nobody around that I feel any need to look good for whatsoever
5. I'm tired
6. I don't feel well
7. When I do actually do things with a purpose out here, I enjoy it
8. I don't have to deal with people. As Roy said "It is much more frightening to deal with real people." After all, that's why you emailed me instead of asking face to face, right? But I suppose it's better like this.
So that's that with those. Yeah, I suppose I should go out somewhere...and you can make it happen, huh? Sorry, but it doesn't seem very likely. I have things to do here. And Kyle's always here, or you're working, or out with your friends or something. Don't waste your time on me...I'm probably a hopeless case. If you wanna do kendo on cooler days or something like that, fine. But going out places? I don't really see it happening...and honestly, I don't like going out places. Do something so I feel good about myself, huh...? I feel good about myself...when I write stories people enjoy...or draw pictures people think are good, and things like that. In respect to things that I've done that are apart from me, I can feel good about them. In me, myself, it's harder to find anything to feel good about.
So what's bothering me and what am I up to? Nothing. It's just much easier to get depressed lately...because it's sad. Life is sad. I love anime...it's so wonderful, I wish it was real. The characters are so amazing...I wish real people were like that. That's why I watch it so much..."obsess" over it...because it's easier than dealing with the shit life we really have. It's mostly late at night that I really think about it...why else would I want you to go to bed early all the time? So that you don't see it...so that you don't see me being so weak! All my life all I wanted to do was be as big and strong as you and Erik! And I screwed that up, too. Now all I can do is be weak and cry...as for acting funny, it depends on what you mean. What, like when I put my head down out here and just listened to the music as if I was falling asleep? I'm afraid I don't have any good reasons for my strange behavior. Except maybe...maybe if I'M different...things will go differently. Not that different always means better.
As for friends close by...that used to be Jen. I'd only see her maybe twice a year after she moved away...but it was better than nothing. She was my best friend...which is why I stupidly fought so hard to get her back when she got sick of me being so depressed all the time. And even though I'm a bit better than that now...it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Char would be a close by friend...but I don't know...I get the feeling she's always busy. It just kinda seems like it. Besides, she has plenty of other friends. Why bother with me, right?
I know how bad my temper is lately...and I don't like it myself. It's not just because I'm angrier lately...it's because I'm more sensitive lately, which goes back to because I'm unhappier lately. Mom's no happier about Gina than I am, she just keeps it in better. Which I should do...but either way.
And I got news for you, buddy. You're STILL at the age where you think you know it all. Because you know what? People are like that for all their lives. Just by you telling me all that in the second paragraph, it's saying you know it all cause you're a little older. We learn new things our whole lives, until the day we die. Parents have a habit of thinking they know it all, too...but even they ahve some things to learn. I could live to be 100 and still never understand why Erik likes that bitch. I know that behind everything any person says or does, there is a specific reason. I also know that we can never truely say we understand until we've been there ourselves.
I know, I know...with Carol I knew what you had to do but I went about it in the wrong way. Not that that matters any. Once a person believes something, it generally takes a lot to change their mind. That's why there's all this political bullshit in the world, but I suppose that's beside the point. Erik, like you, will see what he's doing wrong eventually. I know that. But that doesn't mean I can't resist it. And I do. Maybe I shouldn't, but...*shrug*
Ha ha...also help myself, huh? Yes, I know that all too well. I've been helping friends for years, and I always told them the same thing. "I can help you, but you'll need to help yourself, too, okay?" After all, if they weren't willing to help themselves, as some aren't(there are people who, unknowingly enjoy their sadness because it makes them feel important and loved by those who show concern), then there is no point. They become a lost cause. One thing I can say for myself, at least, is that I don't flaunt my depressed moods and feed my ego with it. I mostly keep it to myself. Generally when I write things in my little online journal, I'm either pissed or meh or happy. I try not to put the sad things in as much as possible(though sometimes I do anyway), because I don't want people feeling sorry for me. If I'm sad about something out of my control, that's pointless, because I can't change it. If i'm sad about something someone else did, that's pointless, because I cannot choose another person's actions. If I'm sad about something that has to do with me, I can either change it or it's pointless, because whatever path I'm walking is a path I've chosen...and that's just how it is. Yet I'm sad anyway-that's because I'm human.
I know a person gets back what they dish out. Sadly, it's a fact of life. But you have to give me a little credit. I'm not a kid anymore. I can act like it sometimes, but what's wrong with that? All of our childhoods were stolen from us...so when I'm acting like a kid my age...maybe that's just me wishing. The world is a cruel place, and I know it. I know out in the real world there's a shitload of trouble waiting for me. I'll take whatever comes at me when I get there. But for now, I do what I can. That's all I can expect myself to do. Granted, I could be doing more. But, well...we'll just have to see how life goes.
P.S. That's Full Metal Alchemist #10, not 11. Ha ha...i love that episode. *Ed and Al see the 'for sale' sign on the knocked down church and they gape at it* "This can't be! There must be a mistake, right, nii-san?!" "THE MISTAKE IS IN YOUR HEAD!"
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Heaven will be waiting
When I fall into your open arms
I believe you'll find it here
You'll find it here...
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