Monday, September 12, 2005

Remember...
9/11/01 was a day no one can forget. I was in my 7th grade english class when the announcement came over the speakers...but I didn't truely understand until I got home and saw it on the news. 2001...that's the year from hell. Four years ago, two planes took down the twin towers...and so many people died. four years ago, eight days before that, my father was taken from me...and I died. As America will never be the same...I will never be the same. But I suppose that wasn't enough. God, whom I used to believe in, abandoned me...I know this, because every last shard of my innocence was stolen from me. I'm pretty sure I've been raped in every way possible.

I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh...

I...can't remember what my dad's laugh sounds like. I can't remember...what he smells like. I don't even know how much taller he is anymore.

I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain away...

He used to pick me up and spin me around...it was so much fun. I can't remember what that feels like anymore. One day he asked if I wanted to go swimming...and I said yes. So he picked me up and threw me in the pool-shoes and all.

I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well...

Pictures...are all I have. And they'll never be the same...they'll never be good enough. I haven't gotten to see him in months...that could turn into years. When will I see you again...?

I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain...

Pain...this hurts. Make it stop hurting...

The worst is over now
And we can breathe again...

Crying makes it hard to breathe...it's supposed to help...so why don't I feel any better?

I wanna hold you high
And steal my pain away...

When you were happy, I was too. He would always buy these "cow tails" for us to eat on his way home from work. They were chocolate with creme centers. I miss those, too. I haven't had one in four years...

There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight...

All these things I've learned...could I have not learned them differently? Why this? What did I do...? Who did I harm...?

I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain...

Laughing and crying are much the same in nature, but completely opposite in emotional response. Should I laugh when I want to cry?

Cause I'm broken
When I'm open...

Open...I used to be so open. Now I shut myself off...yet my emotions are still out in the open. I can't hide them. I can put up a brick wall, but the right words, sounds, pictures...can make it crumble instantly.

And I don't feel like
I am strong enough...

I'm so weak. Dad used to wake us up on Sunday mornings by blasting his music and making pancakes. Now no one ever gets up on Sunday...no one ever eats breakfast. No one wants to listen to the music...and I haven't had pancakes in four years.

Cause I'm broken
When I'm lonesome...

I am lonely...it's not like I have friends around here to go anywhere with. And even if I did...even if I did...I don't know what love is...

And I don't feel right
When you're gone away...

A world of change forced upon us...and we'll never be the same. We're all so...independant now. On the outside, it seems like a good thing...but inside...just the thought is heartbreaking.

You've gone away
You don't feel me here...anymore...

Come back...come back...

Forgive me.
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