Saturday, January 28, 2006

   Naaaaaa....
Another quick post for I am tired once again. Not much going on, I guess...I've been doing my chores and such better, so things have been well with that. It makes my mom happy and gives her less work so that's fine. Erik's an ass like usual. But what can I do? Jeremy's been going out with some girl a lot and staying out really late...so he can't be depended on anymore it seems. God, my brothers make me fucking SICK. Big Mr. Tough guys and then give them some girl and they latch onto her and become fucking pansies. *sigh* Excuse my language, it just pisses me off. So of course Jeremy never remembers to feed the cats before he goes and unless I leave him a note hanging in the doorway with string, he won't remember...so I do it myself. Look! fucking 3 AM and he's not home and the cats aren't fed. They shouldn't have to wait till 3 AM! Assholes can't say I'm not hauling my load around here...*another sigh* screw them. All the responsibility seems to be on me now....but I can handle it...I hope. Well, I have no choice. If I want this family to make it, I just have to keep going, no matter what. Perhaps some of you are thinking "ha ha, so melodramatic! She sounds like she's going to die!" Well...ha ha ha-it's not very funny. This family is in big financial doo-doo...and unless i can help my mom get a second job(preferably one I can run from home with the computer while she works) and a better paying normal job than she has now...it doesn't look good. We've been using the money out of my dad's pension(sp?)...that's how we've been surviving. And there's hardly $5,000 left. Everything is expensive these days...especially groceries. There's five people here with stupid Erik now, so groceries are soemtimes almost $200 a week. So we're cutting back on stuff...can kiss soda(aka pop) goodbye...I only had chips once and while, but no more of those...basically, only things we REALLY need. Phone bill is freaking $200 a month because the bastard collect call companies are such assholes...so when my dad calls, it costs us a lot. I offered to give my mom all my money today if she wanted it(I only have $20...)but she refused...wait, maybe I should just erase all this...why be so honest and open about it all of a sudden? I don't want......you all have your own things to worry about...I hate burdening people with my problems anyway.

I was telling a friend...how normal girls just have to worry about boyfriends and their looks, school and having enough money from their allowance to hang out at the mall. I...kind of wish I could worry about stupid things like that...you know? I don't even have time for a boyfriend because of all my responsibilities...nor do I really have time to hang out with 'friends'-I can't exactly drag my little brother all over just so I can have a few hours or fun. I've never had an allowance...we've always been expected to do our chores for free.
Sometimes...I wish I was one of those normal girls.

Sometimes.....I wish......
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He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know...
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold...
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in...
It just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right...

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after...
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster.
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter...
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe...
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see...
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him...
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight...

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after...
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster.
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter...
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical...
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long...
So long...

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks...
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take...
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after...
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster.
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter...
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He’s beautiful...
He's such a beautiful disaster...

Kelly Clarkson, Beautiful Disaster
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