Friday, April 23, 2004

  You decide.

My grandmother rented a movie called Samourais. Let me be blunt. This movie should be banned. Why? Because it sucks.

The movie starts out in a bamboo grove, with a red-armored samurai chasing down a pregnant woman circa feudal Japan. A bunch of guys interfere, woman gives birth to demon of war, who proceeds to kill both of them. The random guys are actually the demon's cronies.

Fastforward 5 centuries. Same bamboo grove. Some guys dressed very similarly to the aforementioned flunkies are chasing down a guy with far too many piercings. In short, he shoots himself rather than let him kill them, the demon guy shows up again, they burn the guy's body.

And the movie continues to be this random. The plot? It's simple. This demon was summoned long ago by the aforementioned red-armored samurai (who happens to be a Shogun) to help him win a decisive war. But, the demon couldn't be controlled, went AWOL. Fastforwards 500 years, some Tokyo homicide officer is investigating the death-by-gun/burning, it's connected to this apparently rich, corrupt tycoon who sells videogames. Turns out it's the demon. Demon-boy goes insane, kills a few people, almost kills the cop.

Cue the randomosity.

In a vision, the Shogun shows up and gives the story of the demon. To make things worse, the demon's body is wearing out, and he needs a new one. Which he just happens to implant inside the cop's daughter. To prevent it's birth, he's gotta kill his own kid, who's currently in France working as a fashion designer.

Fastforward to Paris. Cop shows up, girl befriends some French cutie-boy with a very annoying foul-mouthed friend. The demon's flunkies appear, looking for the girl. Cop fights a few, gains a free katana, goes to the cutie-boy's apartment, finds his daughter, and tries to kill her. Thwarted by Frenchie, tied to chair, the cop divulges the demon's story, which is apparently completely believable.

So, how do the videogames come in? Well, the man from before who ended up extra crispy happens to be some sort of computer whiz. He creates this microprocessor, which becomes a flying ninja star when it comes in contact with a game called Dark Bushido 2, for an unknown reason.

To make a long, idiotic story short, girl gives birth to demon, who grows up in minutes. Cop dad fights through small horde of flunkies, gets shuriken in the throat. Cutie-boy starts fighting demon, while his little brother pops DB² into the PS2, which triggers the processor ninja star to plug itself into the guy's neck. So, what does this do?

IT ALLOWS THE KID TO CONTROL CUTIE-BOY'S FIGHT WITH THE DEMON (unwittingly). Basically, he wins, with a cheesy moment where he gets paused in midair. >_< Girl lives, demon blows up in flaming spider-signal thing, cutie boy regains control of his body. Best of all? The cop-dad, who got a ninja star straight into a vital vein, not only pulls it out with minimal bleeding, but has the strength to stand and survives. End with corny, overdone hero+heroine=long passionate kiss in Japanese temple.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET THE FRENCH DO A MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE!!! No, I kid you not. This is a French martial arts movie. Say it slowly. French. Martial arts movie. They even added some wire-fu, for crying out loud. I just wanna sit down and cry. Again.
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