Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Want to know what is annoying?
I hate people who says their life sucks, even though it doesn't. Good example is my friend. She's pretty, she has 3 very nice best friends and nothing wrong in senior high. She's bookworm so succeeds to get good grades from tests. She has no money problems or physical problems. She's normal girl with normal life.
And still... AND STILL SHE'S WHINING ABOUT HER LIFE. >:F Like how she can't live because no-one wants her in here and everything makes her life hell.

I, Nina, age sweet 16, bullied since birth, suffering _very_ rare illness, scarred mentally, should be one who is whining, but I'm not. I can't be, because showing emotions like disaffection, is mark of weakness while I'm this young. That is thing my doctor told me after I tried suicide [with ribbon in school when I was in 4th. grade. My friend noticed I weren't at lessons and became curious. Without her, I wouldn't be writing this right now].

My father has always prohibited crying and even in funerals, I had to try not to cry, because I was afraid of father's punishment [he started to scold me. And does still that. I don't like his scoldings].
I've never told my personal things for anyone, because I know they can use those things against me if they becomes rivals to me.
Though it really hurts. Keeping things bottled up, I mean. There's person I like... No, _love_ [after suffering a year, I can tell what is love and what just friendly love]. And how much I ever want to tell my feelings, I just can't, because I have feeling that breaks our friendship.
So I'm torturing my mental health with that.
I've many times tried to forget my feelings for certain persons, but when I see or even think them, every feeling just cames back and more harder.
I can't explain this feeling. It's too complicated. But I know that my love will be one-sided always.

Maybe you think that "but what if you're friends? It shouldn't be block or anything".

No, it's not. But I'm not prettiest flower in bouquet. And I really mean what I'm saying. I'm not one of those people who thinks they're butt-ugly but are really pretty.

I'm not going to lie: I'm disabled.
Not like I don't have legs or something like that... I have _really_ big scar on my face, Starting from chin to cheek and horizontally from under ear to mouth [though it doesn't look that it's reaching my mouth]. And because of that, my right ear is deaf, and will always be, because it was cut off in surgery. I know that sounds _really_ disgusting, but I'm outcome of mother who smoked while waiting me to born. So if you don't want child like me, no smoking, upcoming mothers!
And I have ugly nose [but there is accident behind it, so my nose wasn't always like that].

So... Now you know why I don't have chances to have boy/girlfriend for myself.

*Sigh.* Why there is thing called love. It would be easier for me to live if there wasn't thing like that.
And feelings too. I want to throw them to trashcan, because my feelings aren't so important, because all people see is "disabled ditto-monster".

Usually I am happy and never complain about anything. I'm trying to be good person and do my best [This is thing why I started to watch Naruto in first place. He's so much like me that sometimes I was just scared how much he reminded me].

I don't know why I'm telling all this... Maybe it's because of friend, who started to angst for me. Or maybe I just had to tell all that for someone. I know you maybe don't read that text, but I can think you do.

Every thing I told is very much true, and even my best friend doesn't know about that suicide-attempt. I know she really loves me as friend and I'm really happy to have her as my friend. Sometimes I'm even asking myself "Do I deserve people like her as my friend?". She's... She's just too perfect friend for me.
So I know she will be angry if heards about that suicide-attempt.

It has been very hard to write this post, and if you don't want to suffer, don't comment, if you think this is ridiculous.

I hope this post makes anything sense... things would be easier if I had england as my mother-language. -__-
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