Saturday, December 30, 2006

   Elmo's and the Pillsbury Dough Boy's Obituary! We'll miss you....not really.

"Tickle Me Elmo, the supernaturally cute young Muppet doll who giggled every time he was tickled, touched, or glanced at, was brutally kicked to death last week by a mod of angry parents.

The doll always gave his age as 3 1/2, although Wikipedia notes that he was born just before the Christmas shopping season of 1996, which would put him closer to 10.

Elmo's death came as a schock to the local police, who said they had never witnessed a murder that was so vicious and yet so completely justified.

"I've worked homicide for 25 years and I've never seen anything as gruesome as this," said Det. Roger Maloney, "Stuffing everywhere; those big, bugged out eyes replaced with X's; the whole works. But arrests? Nah, we're not gonna make any arrests."

Assistant District Attorney Jack O'Malley said even if a culprit were singled out, his office would refuse to prosecute.

"I've seen the photos," he said. "This was a savage, barbaric massacre, perpetrated with malicious forethought by hundreds of irate parents. I can't think of a just in the world that would convict them."

"I'd have been there myself, if I'd known when it was happening," he added.

Hundreds of parents were involved in the public stomping, most of them perfectly willing to share their feelings with news reporters without fear of retribution.

"I told myself that if I heard that thing giggle one more time, I was going to beat the living [excrement] out of it," said Natalie Holman, mother of a 2-year-old boy. "And then I heard it giggle one more time."

"I have never known rage so all-encompassing and complete," said Bryan Dexter, the father of three children under the age of 6. "When I stomped Elmo's head into the pavement, felt the fabric rip under the force of my fury, and was his giggling mechanism and batteries spill out into the street -- well, it was electrifying. The bliss was as exquisite as my wrath."

In an unrelated story, authorities have reported a marked increase in kicking deaths around the world. The victims in these cases would tend to be the people who gave Tickle Me Elmo dolls as gifts to children and were subsequently attacked by the parents of those children. Police are half-heartedly investigating."

Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."



Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd raise once again, but he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


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