Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Yay poetry!

10:19 AM Here's some poems that I did during boredom. The first one I did while at work and the second I did while at home: Fading Flame The sky black, an empty void, a lone bright fire blazes, no witnesses, no sorrow. A lone soul consumed in the flames, A last breath of life, A last tear to shed. I watch as my body withers to ashes, no memory remains, my ashes fly by the grace of the wind. I wish to see you again, I pray that you remember. In my death, there shall be no mourning. Conflicted Soul I wish to embrace you in my arms, I drive you back, I wish to share my life with you, Silence is my reply. I want to feel your warmth, the cold darkness consumes me. Please don't leave, please return, "Fine then, get out of my life" I mourn your abscence, "Fuck you, I don't need anyone!" I don't want to be alone all my life, I live alone, I die alone. I wish to find happiness, "Love is a waste of time" I wish to find true love, "Life is not worth the suffering." Will you be with me, even for just a while? I don't want to feel pain, my wounds continue to bleed. Sorrow Eternal Well, that's pretty much it for now. Tell me what you think and perhaps more will pop in here if my boredom continues (which most likely it will). Ja ne!

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Sunday, October 9, 2005

Update...I guess.

1:23 AM Well, it's been a bit of a while since I've updated so I'll guess I will right now. First off, lately I've been getting pretty tired of people trying to hook me up with a girlfriend. My mother does it while she's at work trying to see if I'll consider a co-worker of hers. I don't even know her and she doesn't even know me, she only says that I'm "cute" and that's it (she told my mother that she thought I was cute, so that's when my mother started). Also my friend Matt thinks I should try to hook up with the girl that works at GameCrazy. Well, Friday I worked 9-5. Matt's family was having dinner at Chili's for his sister's 21st birthday and he invited me for the purpose of keeping him sane. I figured "why not" so I went. I was really hungry there becuase I didn't eat anything all day so my breakfast/lunch/dinner was an order of Baby Back Ribs. Man, they were SOOOO DELICIOUS!!! Matt and I also ordered some hot wings and those were good too. Before I ate I said "I'm gonna devour everything on my plate!" and I did. I ate the meat off every rib bone, ate all the fries, ate my hot wings, and even ate the applesauce! Matt's mother even told me "I can't believe you just ate all that!" After eating Matt and I decided to hang out at the GameCrazy and wait for his sister and her boyfriend to give us a ride back to his house. I offered to pay for my plate since I felt bad that it was $13.99 but Matt's mother insisted that I didn't pay. That was nice of them, though I still feel a little bad about it. While running to GameCrazy that was when Matt told me that he was gonna try to hook me up with the girl that works there. At first I asked which one, he replied "You know, that one blond girl that we all get along with." Then I knew who he was talking about. I really wasn't so excited about the idea. My first thought in my head was "why even bother? it'll probably just end up being a waste of time" Luckily she wasn't working that day. While there though I decided to buy myself some new games with my paycheck. So I bought Castlevania DS and Lunar DS. I lent Castlevania to Matt though since he's beaten Aria of Sorrow and I havn't yet. Also we met one of the workers there. He was a really cool guy that actually knew a lot about games there. He got pissed when he found out that I bought the last copy of Lunar, Matt did as well XP Later we went back to Matt's house and we played Smash. I showed him my waveshine with Fox, trouble is that I have to work on it more. We then called Chris and later we were talking on 3-way with Chris and Ashley. Then Mike came by. The conversation with Chris and Ashley was fun and we all had turns on the phone (Matt, Mike and I). Ok so basically...I'm getting tired of people trying to play Matchmaker with me, when deep down I really don't want to be involved with a relationship. Perhaps it's the lack of self-esteem speaking for me, but that's how it seems right now. Ja ne.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Why the hell do things happen the way that they do?

7:51 PM With all the crap that's been going on lately I just felt that I had to type this up even though I said that I was going to take a break from the internet. My cousin Will is 17 years old. He's three monthes younger than I am. He and I have practically been raised as brothers and like a younger brother he gets on my nerves yet I still care for him. He's a Catholic and has dreams of his future. He wants to go to the University of Missouri and become a writer and perhaps a filmmaker. He has just recently had a mental illness for the second time. A year ago he had his first mental breakdown and had to get on meds for a while. The family was shocked when it happened. He spoke very strangely, he could hardly understand what people were telling him, he was very disoriented. After a few monthes on meds he became a bit better and back to himself. Last Friday it happened again. He became stressed out with his school work and being in 5 extracuricular activities at the same time. At first his mother just thought that it was another case of stress and sleep depravation; however when Monday and Tuesday arrived he started speaking strangely again. He has the sense of paranoia that is present in most mental illnesses. His doctor now wants to put him on a different medication now. At this rate he'll have to take meds for the remainder of his life, may not be able to go to college out of state in his condition, and may have to live with constant supervision. Of course the family is still shocked by this because they always assumed that the one psycho in the family would be none other than...me. Ever since I was a child my family always thought that I would be diagnosed with a mental illness during my adolescent years. My father was-correction-is a schizophrenic. It was thought that when I became a teenager I would be diagnosed with schizophrenia as well. During a time in my life nothing that I did mattered because I just figured "What's the point? I'll probably just become a mental nut and life will mean nothing anymore." and then my cousin becomes mentally ill. Why must my cousin suffer when he's a good Catholic with dreams for his life and future? Why is it that I'm not affected when I think nothing of my life wheras he has meaningful dreams for his? Yet again I'm closer to becoming an atheist. If a "god" did exist than why would he let something this terrible happen to someone who strongly believes in him?

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Monday, September 26, 2005

Takin' a break

11:35 PM That's right, I'm gonna be takin' a little break from the internet. It may be a week, 2 weeks, hell maybe even a month. Though I will pop up every now and then and check on your MO posts. I've got some mental and emotional stuff that I gotta straighten out (not to mention remove as well) again due to the events of yesterday. I received a confirmation letter about the ACT and I'm scheduled to take it at my former high school on the 22nd of Oct. So I'm gonna have to study up on some stuff *coughmathcough*. P.S. I overheard that MTV is going to show a Dir en grey MV on Wednesday and that Dir en grey is going to be strongly advertised in America due to a tour. Hell's yeah for Dir en grey! "It won't be long, we'll meet again/your memory is never passing."

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

Bad day at work

6:44 PM Today was a crappy day at work. Not only were there a lot of people and that the corporate A-Hole Andy Sanchez made yet another retarded policy, but the worse part was the drama that ensued. Today Becka was telling me that she was really tired and that Eric (our floor supervisor for the day) was getting on her nerves. Well I guess she had all she could take becuase when Eric told her to clean up an area she refused and talked back to him. Eric got really pissed and had management send her home. The reason why I feel bad about it is becuase I felt really weak about the situation. I care about Becka quite a bit (no I don't "love" her) and I feel crappy becuase I couldn't help her. I really wanted to, but I didn't know what to do or how to do it. What I hate about my job is how I feel so weak and powerless there. If anyone reads this what's your opinion on the situation? I just feel really bad about what happened today.

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Friday, September 23, 2005

Nintendo Revolution's controller unveiled!

7:45 PM This morning I was watching G4 at my cousin's house. They were showing some info from the Tokyo Game Show and the controller for the Nintendo Revolution was unveiled. I was anxious to find out what it would be and at the same time I was hoping that it would be somewhat similar to the GameCube controller. Well, they showed it and my response was the usual "DA FUCK?! WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?!" It looks like a fuckin' remote control! The reason as to the design according to the president of Nintendo is becuase they wanted to make something easier for everyone to understand. You don't need a fuckin' PhD to operate a game controller! Plus they got this "nunchuk" thing were you can plug an analog stick to the remote and it kinda looks like nunchuks, hence the term. Man, I wonder what kind of drugs Nintendo has been taking. They can make some good stuff, but da fuck man?! Well, I'm still supporting PS3 all the way. It's gonna pwn the XBox 360. And still they have yet to show any of the major games for the new systems, so that kinda sucks. I would put of a pic of the Nintendo Revolution's controller so that people may gaze at it's craptacularness but no info has leaked on the web yet. At least I couldn't find any. Though if they make a new Zelda than more than likely I'll get a Revolution 'cause Zelda pwns. Wow I got 3 gb sigs today! That's an all time high!...yeah I'm pathetic, heh! Oh well. As for myself, I gotta get ready for a crazy weekend 'cause of that bitch Rita. Take care! Ja ne!

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

blah day

9:49 PM Today was an ok day to say the least. I worked today and it wasn't so bad. Surprisingly we had a rush, I'm pretty sure that the majority of them were evacuees from Houston and Galveston. I think that mainly 'cause there were kids that were old enough to be in school and weren't. We had this crazy thing going on called Cans Film Festival. Basically what it was is if you donate 3 non perishable food items you get a free admission to a movie for the day. Not many did the donation thing becuase we didn't advertise for it (whoever decided it *caughmyidioticstingybossSantikoscough* didn't really put much thought in it), but about 3 families came in and brought a lot of stuff. After I got home from work I decided to practice riding my bike. I went a bit daring 'cause I rode it to Matt and Mike's area. Plus I learned that going uphill is not fun. So while I was there I decided to see what they were doing. I biked to Mike's house and hung around with Mike and Matt for a while. We then decided to go to Robert's house and play some Smash. While there we discovered a really crappy GameCube version of DDR made by MatCatz. Matt started playing it was yelled out "THE CRAP?!" when it started. It was funny. Later on we ordered chinese food from Kwik Wok. For some strange reason everytime Matt and I order from Robert's house they mess up the order. After eating Mike said to me "You know, you're right. Being single does suck!" One time I told him that and now he agrees. I responded by saying "Yeah well try it for 18 years straight." He said that he understands about me becuase I don't like to ask women out and that he's a coward, I responded "Yeah, but the girls flock to you man." He agreed and said that he doesn't understand why becuase he's usually mean to people and I'm usually nice to people. Like the saying "Nice guys finish last." Then I joked around saying "Mike, there's only one solution. Teach me to be an ass like you!" Then we played more Smash and then headed home. Da Fuck?! Today during work a customer said to me "You have pretty eyes!" Her husband was like "Huh?" and she said to him "No not you honey, him. He has pretty eyes." And throughout all this I just thought to myself "Da Fuck?!"

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

wow, I'm in a good mood today

9:51 PM Currently I'm sitting on my crappy comp typing up this stuff, looking up html facts to continue my ghetto webmastering, and constantly humming "One Winged Angel" I spent the morning by practising biking today around the apartment complex. I did really well today and practiced on my turning. I only had one really bad fall and that was when I did a really sharp turn. Though my ass is still not used to that bike seat. My step-father and I went to Hobby Lobby today and I found the fabric that I plan to use for the tunic for my Crono costume for Ushicon. And we went to the new Alien Worlds location and I found a figure of Arucard from Hellsing! I just had to buy it and I did. He's now hanging over the head of my bed right next to my Xianghua from Soul Calibur. I also went over to Daniel's house today. I heard the new single from Gackt called "Noasis". I laughed at first becuase the name sounds like a different variation of "OASIS" my favorite Gackt song. We played some Tekken 5 and Naruto. We tried to watch Advent Children on his computers but none of them had DivX. I was telling Daniel how awesome it was when Sephiroth and Cloud are fighting. I made a joke that when Sephiroth shows up Cloud yells out "Da fuck, son! Da fuck?!" Around 5 PM we went outside and talked for an hour about stuff like A-Kon, cosplaying, Smash, and other stuff. Daniel then gave me a ride home and we were listening to the MIDI version of "One Winged Angel", I lent him my mix CD that has the orchestrated version (bad ass btw) along with "Otherworld", "Hikari", and other anime and game songs. And hours later I come to the computer and here I am! I really don't know why I'm in such a good mood, but I am. I kinda find it awkward becuase for a rare moment I don't have any strong negative thoughts in my mind. Unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow. It's also gonna be a crazy weekend. 1) Corpse Bride opens and 2)RITA! It seems everyone's freakin' out because of the hurricane. I'm not really worried, it's probably just gonna be a crazy rain storm and that's it. At least for here in San Antonio. Many people seem to think that the events of Louisiana are going to happen to Texas as well. If it does, then it does. The most important thing is to remember to conquer against adversity.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Working on my site and a conversation

12:29 PM Last night I spent the time by working some more on this site. Not sure why but I'm getting interested in Webmastering. I just think it's kinda fun. While searching for pics to put on the site I was talking to my friend Chris. He was telling me that I shouldn't give up on love and what not (he read my post about Sunday where I said that I'm staying away from love). Here's some of the conversation: kaiyumori: Also josh, when it comes to relationships I have derived the conclusion that Love is most definitley acquired through enduring trials and staying faithful and loyal to one another- kaiyumori: None of the love at first sight stuff- kaiyumori: That would be lust- kaiyumori: would u not agree? Shiro887: I think I just shouldn't associated myself with it at all Shiro887: associate* kaiyumori: Whoa, Hey man, dont go that far- I told yah I would make sure I helped you find a girl you can really like And I still shall- kaiyumori: Dont lose hope my friend... Shiro887: you don't have to help me man. it'll be a waste of time kaiyumori: NO it wont- kaiyumori: Trust me, You would do really well to find you're dream girl- kaiyumori: I know you man- kaiyumori: It would totally make you feel better about everything- kaiyumori: So yeah- Dont worry about it- Shiro887: currently not concerning myself with any of that stuff has made me feel better. I havn't had a major case of depression since kaiyumori: Really? Dont think about it than, just let it befall u- kaiyumori: Dont completely dismiss the emotion though- Shiro887: i practically have by now kaiyumori: Thats not the right way to look at things... The problem with you and me, which I believe to be true is that we dont know if a girl likes us unless they blantantly tell us- kaiyumori: So most likely we just constantly miss chances for the best relationships... kaiyumori: The way you probably felt before could also very well be the same emotion felt by the girl who liked you and never said anything... kaiyumori: But as I said... I shall insure that you date a cute girl with smiliar intrests who is cool and accepts you for who you are- kaiyumori: I just have to find her for yah- Shiro887: you don't have to man kaiyumori: Dont worry about it- kaiyumori: It would be totally uncool If I met the girl and didn't help u guys get 2gether- Shiro887: hmph, well all that matters to me right now is that I havn't felt pain in a while kaiyumori: Yeah, So don't necesarily think about the things that depress you but also do not exclude them, that is all I am trying to tell you for the time being... And in the end I wil make sure that U find you're dream girl even be4 myself, I mean thats what friends should do, and I am sure that mike and matt would agree if they ever talked seriously for 5 minutes- LOL, those guys are still awesome though- yeah so that's my way of living right now:not concerning myself with that emotion. So far I've been ok and havn't had a bad case of depression like I usually do. Truthfully I once slashed my wrist =( I feel like an idiot now that I think back on it. To anyone reading this, I want to ask: Am I doing the right thing? It seems that all I care about is that I don't feel pain, but that seems a bit both selfish and cowardly.

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Monday, September 19, 2005

Feelin' really sick

10:16 PM All day I've felt sick. Not to mention really tired and weak. My legs and arms are sore and that crappy pizza from last night has been kicking my ass.

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