Monday, July 11, 2005

...boredom strikes yet again...

11:58PM Ano....lesse...not much going on. Got home from work. It was ok, but I had to clean a big Icee spill, not pretty. It smelled of a mixture of Coke, Cherry, and Grape for hours. Apparantly the bucket that's beneath the drain wasn't checked on earlier and it overflowed leaving a big mess. Also many comic fans left masses of trash in the Fantastic 4 auditorium. It took a long amount of time to clean up one of the auditoriums due to the huge mess. I found out yesterday that ----- called me, but since I was working I was unable to talk to her. I tried calling her earlier today but no answer. Apparantly, she's been having a lot of appointments due to her recovery from jaw surgery. I was fooling around with my guitar earlier today. All I did was play some chords, but my fingers started hurting after a while. This sucks because they've become soft again and aren't used to it anymore. I asked one of my supervisors at work about guitar lessons at H&H music. He says he pays about $18 a week. That's a bit cheaper than what I paid at House of Guitars and he says the lessons are really good. I'm thinking of looking into it someday. Probably when school starts up again. Well, yeah. Can't really think of anything else. My boredom is causing nostalgia right now. Mostly I'm reminded of my near-death experiences, which happend 5 times last I counted...which was about a minute ago. Ano...Oyasumi.

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Friday, July 8, 2005

Her again...

8:08PM Checked my email a few minutes ago and ----- emailed me. She said that she undergoed some jaw surgery and is recovering ok. She knows that I worry about her a lot so I'm glad she contacted me and told me. *sigh* And she's still with her boyfriend, but like I told her I'd rather have her be happy with someone else rather than to be sad. She also told me that she misses me. A sentence she wrote: "It bites i just wish i was back in school and i aslo wish that you were their you actully made me laugh when it was needed" I told her that I missed her too becuase she always made me feel better everytime I felt like shit. One time she broke down and started crying. She told me that she always ruins things and that she never does anything good. That's when I told her how important she was to me. I still kinda regret letting her know my feelings for her, but I didn't want her crying and saying such negative things about herself. Well,...whatever...ja mata ne.

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A Friday off?!

7:07PM Wow, I can't believe I actually had a Friday off. Well, this is how I spent my day. Woke up around 10 this morning. Listened to some Gackt and Dir en grey while practising some of my Japanese. I took a shower later on around 11 and called some of my friends to see what they were doing for the day. Around 12 I went to my friend Noel's house. My friend Daniel (or Kazuo or Yuki) just came back from visiting his dad in Nebraska, so it was great seeing him again. We mostly spent the first hour playing Smash Bros. Melee. I lost a lot since I'm at a low level compared to all my friends. Noel and Daniel kept playing while I was listening to Daniel's MARS (Gackt) cd. I then joined up again in the game. I was singing some of the verses in Vanilla and kept getting on Noel's nerves so I threatened him with OASIS. Well, I put it to OASIS and started singing the entire song while playing Smash as "The Singing Marth". Noel of course targeted me becuase I was getting on his nerves. After a while Matt and Mike showed up. We then left for Daniel's house (which isn't far since he practically lives next door to Noel). When we got there Daniel showed me some Gackt stuff he got at A-Kon when we all went in June. He showed me his Malice Mizer poster (during Gackt's time as well), his Gackt DVD, his Moon Child DVD, Gackt posters, Gackt pics, and a J/Rock magazine with Gackt on the cover. He then showed me the music video to Gackt's Metamorphosis single. It was pretty cool, but weird. Gackt was piloting some kind of Gundam, heh. Then we played some Capcom Vs. SNK 2, but I suck pretty bad at that game. Later on,...we played MORE SMASH! and a little bit of Pokemon. I also met Daniel's really fat cat. So the whole time Daniel, Zach (Daniel's little brother), Mike, Matt, Noel, and myself played Smash Bros. I also listened to Dir en grey while playing. While there my cousin called me to see if I wanted to see War of the Worlds (he always calls me asking if I want to see a movie). Mike was wondering who it was and I said it was my cousin. He then asked if it was the one who couldn't say "Yahoo! Watashi wa kataze!" (Yahoo! I won!) and I said "yup!" so then Mike went up to the phone and yelled it at him. I told my cousin that if he ever said that phrase in his messed up way (he doesn't even attempt to say it correctly) that my friends and I would hurt him. Mike even gladly agreed to it. The only Jap my cousin nows is Aishitaka becuase he's seen Princess Mononoke. Well, I didn't feel like going to the Silverado since it was my day off so I told him that since it was Friday there was a good chance it would be sold out. Well, we got hungry later on, so we ordered a pizza. Since Noel was there he can get discounts because he works there. mmmmm,...Pepporoni and mushrooms. My mother called me around 5 before we ate saying that I had to me home by 6:30. I was a little upset because it was a Friday and I was off. So I left around 5:30. Everyone else left as well since Daniel's parents were coming home soon and we had to leave. So I walked with Matt and Mike. Us three then started talking about how we plan to get a 2 bedroom apartment sometime after their high school years. We're planning on Matt, Mike, Chris and I renting an apartment. Go to a community college to get our basics out of the way and then going to Full Sail in Florida. I really don't want to live in Florida after hearing my cousin Rick's experience living there for a while. Apparantly it's very raciest in certain parts of Florida and I happen to be half-hispanic. But I do want to go to Full Sail Academy. Also, we're planning on going to as many anime conventions as we can. Even while in Florida we'll still travel back to Texas to go to A-Kon and Ushicon. While walking home my cousin called me again seeing if I wanted to see War of the Worlds. Unfortunately my cousin was raised on not knowing the meaning of the word "No". I told him that I've already seen it and I'm not sure if I'm doing anything else for the remainder of the night. I'm still not sure if I feel like seeing it again. I definately don't want to go to the Silverado to see it. Well, Sayonara. Ja mata ne.

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Tuesday, July 5, 2005

...can't think of anything...

9:38PM I'm a bit better now. Spent a pretty good day today. Not much, but it was my first day off in a while. I went to Barnes & Noble today. Bought The Vampire Lestat (now I can finish reading it), some Japanese books, and a manga. The manga is the 2nd volume to Chronicles of the Cursed Sword. It's a really good Korean manga. The story line is good, mostly becuase I like demons and it's filled with them. Also the characters really change drastically. Not just in how they are but also they're physical appearance. I once took a peek in a future volume and I couldn't even recognize the main char. Even though it's the 2nd volume the main char still has tattered clothes (usually chars magically get a nondamaged replacement outfit) also the main char already experienced a change. I think he may be part demon, but I'm not sure. I found out that the bookstore now sells J-Pop and J-Rock, but when I saw a glance of it all I saw was DBZ soundtracks and stuff. Kind of a dissapointment. I should slap them and tell them to carry Gackt, Dir en Grey, GLAY, globe, X Japan, etc. My step-father and I then went to CD Exchange to check out what they had. I checked out their anime, they really didn't have anything good. I was going to buy a Rurouni Kenshin DVD until I saw something amazing: A SECTION ON JAP CDS! They were mostly soundtracks, but I was shocked. They also had a few Do As Infinity CDs. But later I found the jackpot: A DIR EN GREY CD! I immediatly put away the Kenshin DVD and decided that this did it. It was only a single CD to Filth, but it was Dir en Grey dammit. So I bought that and a Gundam Wing soundtrack. As I was listening to my new Dir en Grey my mother walked in my room to grab hangers from my closet. She used to kinda freak out when I started listening to J-Rock but now she's used to it. I remember when I started and she yelled, "What's wrong with American music! You're not Japanese, so why do you listen to Japanese music!" I didn't say anything but I just thought "Well, you're Hispanic. I don't see you listening to Tejano or any other Hispanic music 24/7." As she heard the Dir en Grey she just said, "Satan's music, eh?" Of course she was just joking, but I told her, "Well, you know, the Japanese don't really believe in Christianity. So they don't beleive in Satan." I know that some do, but it's not a dominant religion. She just said, "And that's why they're going to hell!" Of course she was joking again, but it annoys me when she always does that. She'll say that about gays/bi's, "heathens", even myself at times. It annoys the hell out of me. First reason: I have friends that are gay/bi and I hate it when people talk about my friends in that way whether they're joking or not. Second: You could say that I'm a "heathen". I have no religion. I almost became an atheist once, but I'd rather read the Bible first before I declare myself one. I'd rather be an atheist with a defined reason like my uncle other than one with no reason like my friends. My mother annoys me a lot. I can't wait to get out of this damn apartment. Well, whatever. Sayoonara. Ja mata ne.

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Sunday, July 3, 2005

slowly recovering...

7:11PM Well, slowly I'm starting to feel a little bit better. I find it strange though that during the past few days every time I feel really depressed it starts raining. Lately boredom has been getting the better of me. For example, during work I was so bored that I grabbed a sheet of paper, wrote "ANIME NERD" on it, and taped it to my shirt. So far my recovery consists of listening to Dir en grey and Gackt, watching my animes, reading, and some isolation from others. I hate how lately at work I always seem to bring things down. When people start talking to me about happy stuff I just tend to shoot it down. For instance, one co-worker kept saying the phrase "I love you" around me. Everytime she said it I just stared at her with cold eyes. Of course she was joking around becuase she has a boyfriend last I remember. Friday night my supervisor Eric and I talked a bit about problems with girls. I found out that he and his girlfriend split and that the day after she started talking to another co-worker. That kinda sucks for him becuase as he said, "What makes it worse is that I work with those two and I'll see them together practically every day." But he's got his sight's now set on one of the new hires, a girl named Crystal. He asked me what I thought about her. I just said, "Well,...I think she's cute." He agreed, but he feels kinda weird since he'll be turning twenty soon and she's still seventeen. She's jail bait as it is for him already. That's what kinda sucks about being eighteen or older and you like a younger girl. You have to watch out if you plan on having a sexual relationship. I don't worry about that though since I doubt I can ever get in a loving relationship anyway. Well, last night Eric set his crosshairs for her. While he, the new girl and I were in the back he started. I was just leaning on the popcorn seed bags drinking my lemonade. He starts telling her as she's sweeping, "You need to project yourself more." She seems to be a bit shy and quiet. I never really heard her talk before other than the times when she would laugh when I would do something weird or when she would ask me a question about something. Then afterwords Eric starts talking about something that happened earlier that day. I kinda went a little psychaotic when Eric acted like he was punching my face and I started yelling that I could take him on and to meet me in the back of the concession stand. He starts staring at me like I'm crazy and I start pushing him to the back while still yelling, then Anthony purposely bumps himself into me while I was walking. Then I start yelling that I could take both of them on at the same time. I then dragged Anthony to the back and we started acting like we were fighting, then I accidently racked him. Not fully on contact, but close enough to hurt him a bit...ok, so it wasn't a bit. Eric then stares at me with his eyes wide open. Well, that night as he's talking about it he starts saying, "I can't believe you really did that to him. But you know, in reality I could take you on dude. It'd be no problem." The new girl Crystal then just rolled her eyes at him. He notices and starts to use it for his advantage. I will admit, Eric does have power, but power doesn't always win everything. But we'll never know 'cause I don't plan on ever fighting him. He's a really cool supervisor even though not many like him as one. Many say he's too bossy. Well, the point of having a job is to work. During work today a little argument started while in box office. Working with me near the end of my shift was Pablo, Giovanni, Jennifer, and Becka. Well, Becka unforunately was placed on a till with no working microphone, so she had to bend over to talk to the customers through the littl hole. I felt really sorry for her, so I tried to get all the customers that came to her over to me instead so she wouldn't have to bend over so much. For one, it really hurts your back after a while. Well, Giovanni starts saying that when I leave he's going to move to my till. Becka starts getting angry because she wanted to use mine when I left, I even said I'd let her. And so everyone starts arguing and Becka just finally yells out, "Why can't you just be a gentleman for once! You're not the one bending over!" Becka hates Giovanni, actually many people hate him, but she was right. He should've thought less about himself and let her avoid back problems. Well, unfortunately someone else ended up taking the till I was on. Before I left though I gave Becka a big hug and told her to take care, usually what I always tell her when I hug her good-bye. Well, I can't really think of anything else to say. I just hope that everyone I care about is doing ok. Sayoonara. Oh yeah, and for those who know me and read this: Don't worry. I have not done anything to harm myself. i.e. intentional cuts or anything

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Depression still there...

9:46AM Yeah I'm still depressed a bit. I always hate getting depressed every month, but it happens. I was doing ok during work yesterday, until I saw her. ----- and her family showed up to see a movie. As soon as I saw her I immediatly got quiet and felt down. We didn't talk much. She just smiled and waved and I waved back, since I was in no mood to smile. So far I havn't really gotten into suicidal thoughts yet. Usually it's the first thing that happens during my depressions. Though one of my friends said she was worrying about me becuase she found out that I get suicidal at times. I kept telling her not to worry, but she did. *sigh* I always hate hurting people close to me. Well, whatever. laters.

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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Depression

Well, it seems to be the time for my monthly period of depression. So while cursing my existence I made a list. Name:Joshua Aaron Shaffer do you like your name:not really when were you born: Aug 14th, 1987 birthplace:San Antonio, TX how your parents describe your birth:my mother says that I was an unexpected miracle any siblings:I would've had an older brother, but he died before birth your parents:father-Larry Dean Shaffer; mother-Christina Mata-Cardenas describe your father:caring, loving. Now for the dark side; schizophrenic, once threatened to kill my mother describe your mother:bad memory, stubborn, overprotective, jumps to conclusions who do you live with:mother, step-father, two step-brothers when did your parents divorce:before I was born. I'm a bastard how would you rank yourself in your family:the black sheep why:none of my family members really know the real me and never took an interest in it have any members of your family died:not close ones, but my mother and grand-father have almost died a few times how do you view death for yourself:I don't fear it and at times I welcome it have you had close encounters with death:as an infant I was in a terrible car crash and got injured by numerous shards of glass, I once had my skull busted open from a fall, almost got poisoned to death, could've gotten hit by numerous cars when I ran into a busy street as a baby, almost drowned as a kid are you ever suicidal:yeah how many times have you considered suicide:I lost count how long have you been suicidal:as long as I can remember have you ever injured yourself:I once slashed my wrist what do you think will happen in your death:nothing do you feel that anyone will mourn your death:probably just my family; other than that, no. so if you died no one would care:sounds about right have you ever been loved:I doubt it what do you think of love:it hurts have you dreamt of love:I have my dreams, but that's all they are have you ever been in love:yeah did it make you cry:...yeah what else did you tell her:that I would rather have her be happy with someone else rather than to be sad do you still stand by those words:yeah, I guess do you currently love someone:I try not to why do you try not to love:to avoid the pain of rejection so fear keeps you from loving:I guess are you a virgin:yes have you ever had a girlfriend:no would you like a relationship with a girl:It'd probably be nice under what circumstances:that we love each other what do you look for in a girl:my friends would think that boobs are all I care about, but truthfully it would be a great personality. One who'd understand me and make me feel happy when I'm with her do girls find you attractive:I highly doubt it do you think you're attractive:hell no why would you want a relationship:for love so you wouldn't want a girlfriend for the hell of it:no how would you describe yourself:quiet, distant has anyone told you anything different:a girl once said I was "a sweet person" did you believe her:no do you still think that:I guess what do you like to find beauty in:I mostly like to find beauty in the dark sides of life do you like vampires:yes why:basically the whole romance of them, the theme of eternal love in death how about demons:yes, but I tend to favor half-demons what about angels:yes, one always has to find their light if you were offered the powers of darkness, would you take it:yes how would you use them:the way I see fit do you believe you're going to heaven or hell:most likely hell do you believe in a god:yeah what's your religion:I don't have one what's your opinion on religion:it's ok, everyone has a right to believe what they want to, but it annoys me when people hide behind religion and never face the truth of the world do you have any spritual guardians:so far just one what characters do you feel you relate to and why: Uchiha Sasuke:I wish to be stonger. Ikari Shinji:I feel that I am hated. Inuyasha:as a child I was picked on for being a half-breed. Squall Leonheart:I'm a loner. Lestat de Lioncourt:I would help those who are important to me as much as I could. Van:at times I wish for peace in death. what do hate about yourself:I'm pathetic

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

I'm all fucked up...

7:02PM I feel like shit right now. I feel like I could puke non-stop. It's getting to the point that I tend to get sick everytime I eat something. It sucks. All I ate today was a fucking bowl of crappy cheerios and I feel like shit. Anyway, had to work again today. Got out early around four and Jarred kept trying to convince me to take his shift. I kept saying "No" but he kept pleading. I really wanted to yell "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!" and punch his face, but I didn't *sigh*. When I got home I just took a nice long nap. I was really tired today. Slept at one in the morning and woke up at eight. Then when I woke up I felt worse than ever. Then my mother calls from work and asks what I'm going to eat for dinner. Shit. That's the last thing I'm worried about. I'm not going to eat if i'm gonna get all fucked up from it. I'm relieved that I only have to work one more day and I'll be off for the rest of the week. Hopefully I'll be feeling better and I can do something with my friends. And if they ask if I asked that girl out from work, I'll just say that I did and she said "no". It'll probably happen anyway. Well, I'm just gonna listen to some metal while I do stuff. Sayoonara.

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Saturday, June 25, 2005

First box shift and one tired bastard

6:49PM Yeah the tired bastard is yours truly of course. Just got home from work, listening to some Cradle of Filth and Killswitch Engage, and typing up stuff for all you people...*insert cricket chirps here*. Though I'm really hungry. I havn't eaten anything since Friday afternoon. Well, last night was my first night of working box office. It was ok, but kinda sucked at the same time. I unfortunately was stationed to a till with a non-working microphone. We did fix it later though, about one hour before I had to leave. Anyway, so most of the night I had to talk through a little hole at the bottom. It really sucked becuase people can't read (I had a sign that specifically said that my mic was broken and to talk through the little hole) and will talk through the mic and I'd have to yell to them to talk through the hole. Then they'd started acting like major A-holes for the remainder of the time. Also, not to mention the fact that my neck was killing me. Though I felt more sorry for Micheal becuase he's really tall and his mic didn't work either. But the power you get in box is pretty cool though. For example, I always ask customers if they have student or military IDs so they can get a discount. Usually I'll be a nice guy and give them the discount if they forgot their ID, but when someone starts being a complete ass I'll charge them the whole eight dollars, heh. So yeah, let this be a lesson to all who read this *insert cricket chirps here*... I also do the same for people who don't have ID when they want to see Land of the Dead, but it's also the law so *shrugs*. It's pretty easy to lose your sanity when you're working in box office. My co-workers along with myself were going crazy when there was no one outside. I saw the crazy sides of people that I've never seen in them before. For the hell of it one of my co-workers, Pablo, made a make-shift chair and I made a make-shift toilet, both made with the little trash cans inside. Today wasn't that bad though. I was working usher today, but I got called in to work box office for a few minutes. While working I saw Becka again (the girl that my friends want me to ask out). We said "Hi" and I hugged her while scratching her back. Like me, that's one of her little weaknesses. And one time I decided to eat some popcorn 'cause I was really hungry and didn't eat breakfast. While eating someone came in and yelled "Claire's coming!" All of us ran out of the back of the concession stand as soon as we heard those words. I shoved all the popcorn that was left into my mouth, randomly threw the cup into the air, and ran out of the room. I shouldn't have shoved the popcorn becuase I then had those little shells crammed in my throat. Anyway, it's not like we hate Claire. I'm acutally pretty cool with her. It's just that she doesn't like it when people are in the back of the concession stand. The fascinating thing about working usher is that you get to see how messy people are. It's amazing how people will just leave stuff on counters when there's a trashcan in plain sight a few feet away. Also, they'll make a huge mess right in front of your eyes and they'll just walk away without saying anything. Well, enough of my ranting. Sayoonara for now.

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Friday, June 24, 2005

Last night's movie

10:53AM Woke up around nine this morning, went to bed around two. @,@ Anyway. I watched Land of the Dead last night with my step-father after watching the final quarter of the Spurs game. It was pretty funny. We were all watching it at the cafe in the theatre were I work at and some of the projectionists started chanting "MILF!" They're pretty crazy. Also a bunch of people gathered around to watch the game. They couldn't enter the cafe 'cause it was closed. But I could 'cause I work there XP mwahahaha. It's funny when you see the basketball players on television and then you actually see them in person. There's a huge difference. When I saw Tim Duncan one night at the theatre (Silverado 16 official theatre of the Spurs) he was frickin' tall as hell! Well, onwards about the movie. All in all it was an okay movie. But that doesn't mean it's great. I really thought it was hilarious how the zombies would do their retarded groans, heh. It's very similar to your typical B zombie movie. Though it shows how corrupt socioty can be and how stupid people are. I don't want to give any spoilers (as if many people read this anyway *shrugs*) so I won't give out any details. Since I'm not too familiar with zombie movies I can't really write a thurough review for it. But I did enjoy watching Resident Evil: Apocalypse more though. I don't care what anyone says, I'm a Resident Evil fan and that was better than the first one. Even if Milla what's-her-name looks like a dude when she's naked. It was funny when my friends and I saw that movie. During the scene where she's nude in that tube, my friend Matt and I were like "Eww, naked dude!" and then it shatters open and it turns out to be whats-her-name. O,O; ...yeah... Last night was pretty cool though. I got to talk to Stephanie and Travis last night. Along with Eric. He must've been tired 'cause Eric was acting a little strange like he normally does when he's tired. And Stephanie was showing me her "Nerd shirt" that she was wearing. It was pretty funny becuase it had a (^_^) on the front with a "Hello!" below it. Well, I have to work tonight. Not surprising since it's Friday. I'm scheduled 5-1 Box. My very first box office shift. I'm a little nervous, but I'm also looking forward to it at the same time. Well, till next time. Sayoonara.

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