Saturday, June 18, 2005

Yesterday's Event and a New Friend. June 15th, 2005

Well, so far today has been a good day despite the fact that I had to clean my room and because it's only 5:21 PM as I write this. Oh well, at least my room has a floor now, EGAD! For the time being I've decided not to isolate myself from others, at least for now. Yesterday was a pretty good day. Around 1 PM I went to Gamerush at Blockbuster to meet up with some friends. Noel, Matt, and Robert arrived about ten minutes after I got there. Robert is a noob to the group. Matt knows him because he hoes to Purple Cactus (a comic shop where we play Magic) and because he plays Smash Bros. Melee. While there we checked out the games they had, which ones were good and which ones sucked. We also encountered Seth, her little brother, and one of Seth's friends whose name I don't know but I remember seeing her at A-Kon. Seth was looking to rent Devil May Cry 3 but unfortunately all the copies were gone. So instead she rented Bujingai, which is a game that features Gackt (a J-Rock icon who Seth and I are big fans of) as the main playable character. After talking with Seth for a while we decided to make our purchases. Noel bought two copies of Tales of Symphonia both for $19.99 (I owe him $20 now), one for himself and the other for me, and he bought a copy of Pokemon Fire Red. We then started to head out to Noel's house, before that though we stopped by KFC and Matt and I got an order of the six piece Honey BBQ wings. Instead of going around and walking on the street, we decided to head straight through a ravine. It wasn't really difficult for us, but Robert was having some trouble. The main reason was that he was wearing sandals and shorts, another is that he's twelve years old and a bit overweight and out of shape. He reminded me a lot of myself at his age. Matt, Noel, and I helped him to climb up the terrain safely. Noel even carried him on his back for a while. Later we reached the other side of the ravine and we had to walk to a ditch to avoid having to jump a fence. Robert was trailing behind so I stopped and let Noel and Matt go on ahead. After catching up, Robert thanked me for waiting. I didn't say much, instead I continued walking but at a slower pace. After we found the ditch we reached Noel's house. It was a very nice house and the decor was lovely. Matt and I then started eating the wings we got from KFC. We splitted the order, so we each got three strips. They were really good. Then I met Spot, Noel's dalmation. He's a very pretty dog, big too. Later we passed the time playing DBZ Budokai 3 and Matt and Noel tought Robert how to play as well. I met a new friend today even though I've already met her twice prievously. The first time I met her was at Seth's birthday party. According to her I grabbed her boob, I didn't even remember that was her. I do remember the boob though, very nice. Also, I took a picture with her at A-Kon. I then dubbed her as the "cute Sakura." On my photobucket I left a comment for the "cute Sakura" to email me. I didn't think that she'd really respond, but she did. So we talked this morning and she thinks that I'm funny. I think she's really nice and I look forward to having a good friendship.

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Visiting the Past June 14th, 2005

Today I returned to visit the house in which I used to live in as a child. The house was a duplex and my grandparents live in one area and my family would live in the other. So while visiting my grandparents I looked at the area where I used to live. It doesn't really affect me due to the fact that my grandmother turned it into a storage area. But what was the most difficult to visit was the area where my father lived after my mother and I left. Visiting that area was like visiting a ghost house. As soon as I walked in the room (which was difficult due to the numerous attempts of opening the damn door) a surge of memories rushed through my mind. The heat of the temperature, the size of the room, the smell, everything. Ever since the past two years I never like visiting that room due to the memories. It's not that the memories were bad ones, on the contrary they were good memories. It's just how that incident turned all those memories into hurtful ones and that life will never return to that state. It's strange how just one day can alter your entire life.

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Emotions June 13th, 2005

Emotions are a double-edged sword. They can help you experience joy and then when you least expect it you're down in the dumps again suffereing pain from your exposed wounds. Anyway, I'm starting to get sick of it. I'm tired of always experiencing pain. There have been many times where I've opened up to someone and end up regretting it. The most recent is probably the incident with -----. I regret letting her know that I love her and I feel that I don't want to talk to her anymore, but at the same time i want to talk to her and see her pretty face again. *sigh* There's my emotions screwing with me again. I wonder why I'm so negative. I'm hardly ever positive about myself unless I'm wearing my mask around my friends. Perhaps it's the way my life has been. As a child I was always picked on, hardly had any "good" friends, my father would leave my mother and I. One time he abandoned me as a child. He just left me alone in the house by myself after saying he was going to buy cigarettes. In reality he left to Iowa back to his family. My father is also a schizophrenic. During the summer of 2003, my mother and I went to pick up my father so we could buy shoes for the upcoming school year. As soon as I woke him up I felt that he wasn't acting normally especially when I looked in his eys; little had I known that he was not taking his medication. During the car trip he was acting strange and talking nonsense. When we pulled up back to the house my father started threatening to kill my mother. I quickly called 911 for the police and my father tried to grab me. My mother and I quickly got out of the car and were in front of my grandparent's house (my father lived in a small room in the backyard and my grandparents were out of town). Hours went on of endless threats from my father and the police not showing up. The only reason that he didn't harm my mother was because I threw myself between them. If need be, I was willing to fight my father. Well, after countless hours which seemed an eternity, the police arrested my father. Since he was resisting, I had to help put him in the car. When I finally returned home, I cryed. I couldn't stop myself from crying for hours. I despise crying, it's a sign of weakness. As a child I always had a true smile on my face, now the smile's gone. Many times throughout my life I have considered comitting suicide; come to think of it, I still do about once a month if not more. One time I even slashed my own wrist. I wouldn't be surprised if I do it again. I don't care if suicide is a sin and that my soul will be condemned in hell for all eternity. Who knows if that's even true. But I'll find out someday in death. I believe that there shall be no mourning in my death. The world can do fine, if not better, without me. Another incident was with a co-worker whose name shall not be mentioned. After getting to know her a bit more I somewhat took a minor liking to her. She once told me that I was "a sweet person," no one, let alone a girl, has ever told me that before. I told her that I'm not, instead I'm really a cold, distant, selfish, and hurtful person. She just said, "I don't think so. You're really sweet." Those words were what did it. After that I opened myself up to her more often and would talk to her whenever I had the opportunity. Well later on she quit and I discovered that she had a boyfriend with another co-worker who is now one of my supervisors. After that, every time I saw her I would only reply to her with my cold eyes and cold monotone voice. I practically ignored her afterwards. I've noticed that everytime I open myself up to someone I end up not talking to them anymore. I worry about this with -----, and with every other person I know. But it I don't open myself to people then I won't have any friends; however, if I do then I'll end up not talking to them. So what's the point? I end up being lonely on both sides of the same coin. A lose-lose situation. Should I accept my fate as a loner? I wish to make an oath that I will never love again, but I don't know if I can fulfill that oath. If I don't love, then that means I wouldn't care. If I don't care, then how will I be able to help my friends. What would happen if ----- needs more help and I don't love her anymore? However, if I cease to love I won't experience as much pain. What sacrifice should I make? Should I revert back to the cold person that I am and remove my mask?

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Girl Problems June 12th, 2005

(this is just an excerpt from my offline journal) Another friend of mine is --------, or ------- for short. Now this is a complicated one. At first we just started out as friends but then later on I guess you could say I started to fall for her. There was one problem though; she has a boyfriend. I loved her very much and still do, also I would do anything for her. Want proof? One day during class, ----- was feeling some pain in her stomach region. She started to worry that she was pregnant. In fear of freaking out her parents and her boyfriend she asked me if I would buy her a pregnancy test. I promised her that I would and I kept my word. That day I went to H-E-B (a grocery store in TX) after school and bought the tests for her. When she told her boyfriend that she might be pregnant he immediately hung up the phone. That really got me pissed off. I remember telling myself during the walk home from H-E-B that I would do anything in my power to help ----- and her baby if her boyfriend left her. Well, fortunately ----- wasn't pregnant. Thank god because that's the last thing she needs this early in her life. She was probably the most difficult to say sayoonara to during the last day of school. I kept hugging her and hardly let myself go. But unfortunately i had to. And then on the day before Graduation, the ill-fated night happened. -----'s boyfriend was having difficulties with his b**chy mother so he was to head over to -----'s house. After a couple hours of not showing up, ----- began to get worried and asked me to call his house, a call that I regret making. Well, I called the house using my crappy cell and he answered the phone. After confirming that he was her boyfriend, I told him that ----- was worried to death about him. Instead of asking me to tell her to not worry or something caring like that, he just asks my name and who I am. When ----- found out she started to worry even more and began to break down. She started crying saying that he hated her and then she started saying how everyone haters her and that she ruins everything. That's usually my job, so I tried to comfort her as much as I could, even though that's her boyfriend's job. I told her that her boyfriend would be a fool to leave her and that she is really loved. I told her that she does not ruin everything be telling her that she always makes me feel better when I'm feeling down. Well, the moment came when she finally asked me if I ever had feelings for her that were more than just being a friend. My heart started beating faster and I replied truthfully. I responded simply, "Yeah." She then said that everything now made sense and that she was thankful that I was there when no one else was. *I'm currently tearing as I write this* Later she asked if I truly hope if her boyfriend will ever call her and not break-up with her. Even though I love her so much I told her yes, also I told her that I would rather have her be happy with someone else rather than to be sad. Is that wrong? I now know that nothing will ever happen between us that involves us being more than friends, yet knowing this and still talking to her hurts me. Who cares if I'm a pansey, that's how I feel. I havn't really talked to her much since then, but she still wishes to talk to me and stay friends. She believes that I'll meet a girl someday, but I don't believe it. Never have, and probably never will. I have nothing to offer. Should I leave the friendship we have, or should I still be friends with her even though the pain will be there?

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