Saturday, June 18, 2005

Girl Problems June 12th, 2005

(this is just an excerpt from my offline journal) Another friend of mine is --------, or ------- for short. Now this is a complicated one. At first we just started out as friends but then later on I guess you could say I started to fall for her. There was one problem though; she has a boyfriend. I loved her very much and still do, also I would do anything for her. Want proof? One day during class, ----- was feeling some pain in her stomach region. She started to worry that she was pregnant. In fear of freaking out her parents and her boyfriend she asked me if I would buy her a pregnancy test. I promised her that I would and I kept my word. That day I went to H-E-B (a grocery store in TX) after school and bought the tests for her. When she told her boyfriend that she might be pregnant he immediately hung up the phone. That really got me pissed off. I remember telling myself during the walk home from H-E-B that I would do anything in my power to help ----- and her baby if her boyfriend left her. Well, fortunately ----- wasn't pregnant. Thank god because that's the last thing she needs this early in her life. She was probably the most difficult to say sayoonara to during the last day of school. I kept hugging her and hardly let myself go. But unfortunately i had to. And then on the day before Graduation, the ill-fated night happened. -----'s boyfriend was having difficulties with his b**chy mother so he was to head over to -----'s house. After a couple hours of not showing up, ----- began to get worried and asked me to call his house, a call that I regret making. Well, I called the house using my crappy cell and he answered the phone. After confirming that he was her boyfriend, I told him that ----- was worried to death about him. Instead of asking me to tell her to not worry or something caring like that, he just asks my name and who I am. When ----- found out she started to worry even more and began to break down. She started crying saying that he hated her and then she started saying how everyone haters her and that she ruins everything. That's usually my job, so I tried to comfort her as much as I could, even though that's her boyfriend's job. I told her that her boyfriend would be a fool to leave her and that she is really loved. I told her that she does not ruin everything be telling her that she always makes me feel better when I'm feeling down. Well, the moment came when she finally asked me if I ever had feelings for her that were more than just being a friend. My heart started beating faster and I replied truthfully. I responded simply, "Yeah." She then said that everything now made sense and that she was thankful that I was there when no one else was. *I'm currently tearing as I write this* Later she asked if I truly hope if her boyfriend will ever call her and not break-up with her. Even though I love her so much I told her yes, also I told her that I would rather have her be happy with someone else rather than to be sad. Is that wrong? I now know that nothing will ever happen between us that involves us being more than friends, yet knowing this and still talking to her hurts me. Who cares if I'm a pansey, that's how I feel. I havn't really talked to her much since then, but she still wishes to talk to me and stay friends. She believes that I'll meet a girl someday, but I don't believe it. Never have, and probably never will. I have nothing to offer. Should I leave the friendship we have, or should I still be friends with her even though the pain will be there?

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